My Body is a Cage
by RockSteady54
Summary: After Edward leaves Bella, she disappears from life in Forks; losing herself to a world of self-destruction. Reaching her lowest point, she seeks the help of those left behind. While broken bonds are mended, new ones are created. QuilxBellaxJacob, AU, OOC
1. Prologue: Vermilion

**Story Info:****__****_ QuilxBellaxJacob, AU, OOC - This story is rated NC-17 for mature dark themes. _**_****__**CONTENT WARNING:** __**This story contains themes of an adult nature that reference to graphic violence, substance abuse, physical abuse, strong language, explicit sex, suicide and death. Some chapters may not be suitable for all readers and may be of a disturbing nature.**_

**A/N:** Imprinting does not exist in my story because I think it just makes things too easy. The main characters are twenty-years-old. I have an original character by the name of Brian; I picture him to look like Paul Walker. Another original character I have is named Johanna, I picture her to look like Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

My story is also posted at **LemonJuicy** - http(:)/www(.)lemonjuicy(.)com/my-body-is-a-cage/ & **Jacob Black ~N~Pack** - http(:)/jacobblack-n-pack(.)ning(.)com/group/mybodyisacage

* * *

**Prologue – Vermilion  
**

_Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day. To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools, The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more: it is a tale, Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing._

_~ William Shakespeare's Macbeth_

* * *

**B.P.O.V.**

The tiny square piece of paper on my tongue dissolves instantly at the contact. My tongue recedes back into my mouth, closing my eyes; I wait for the euphoric sensations to take effect.

I slowly open my eyes as Brian places in my palm another blotter. He slowly elongates his tongue, inviting the golden dragon to emit its fire into his mouth.

I grab the microdot between my thumb and forefinger bringing it up to my face to take a glance at it. It is imprinted with the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland, how ironic.

I smirk.

I place the paper acid in the middle of his tongue gently. He pulls in his tongue savoring the now liquid paper. We both sit in the center of the bed reveling in the sublime experience.

The colors around me radiate and become deeply intense, I am almost able to _hear_ them. The objects that surround me start taking on bizarre and wonderful new rippling shapes; almost appearing as they are…._breathing_. I close my eyes and the colored patterns behind my eyelids form. The altered sense of time seems to be stretching, speeding and stopping all at the same time.

Rough hands cup my face and a set of lips press against mine. I part my mouth as I allow our tongues to intertwine, our lips locking into a fervent kiss; absorbing each other's addiction.

My arms lift and wrap around the nape of his neck fisting his hair. His hands lower to my waist. My body's sensitivity heightens as I marvel at the touch of hands all over me. I can't tell where my body starts or ends next to his.

I 'm lying on my back; the experience is bliss under the high as the sensations vibrate throughout the atmosphere.

I gasp as the pressure intensifies ten-fold at the penetration when he enters me. My eyes are heavy lidded as my perception hits an unwavering eccentricity. I feel electric and tingly all over. I'm experiencing an alternate reality, a new dimension, new ways of seeing and feeling.

I have the power to radically change my consciousness and the world around me. I close my eyes as I let my body be used by this man. I picture myself anywhere other than here.

This is my alternate reality to escape the tortured reality I live in.

I move my head back and forth trying to dispel the painful thoughts that magnify by the thousands.

His body sways above me in slow rhythmic motions. I feel every part of him move against me. I open my eyes slightly; my body floats into the universe. His body pulses with a glowing ember as the colors around the room echo off the walls with his every thrust.

I close my eyes again; my mind a cloudy mess as the kaleidoscope of colors appears once more behind my lids.

It takes an eternity for him to finish. He pumps in and out of me one last time until finally pushing himself off and collapsing next to me.

I lay with the immense emptiness filling my subsistence. The water in my eyes wells over; tears trickle from the corner of my eyes, rolling down the sides of my temple and into my ear. It's moist and hot. I try swallowing around the lump forming in my throat.

This is my life now. Alone, abused and used.

I drag myself off the bed; the fabrics under my palms prickle my skin. My senses are confused and distorted.

I sit on the floor in nothing but my underwear in this run down, cheap, and dingy motel. My arms wrap around my legs and my body slumps against the bed.

_How did my life end up pathetically here?_

I glance over at the table. The lines of cocaine are ready for me on the small mirror set on the coffee table before me. Drug paraphernalia is strewn across the table.

The drugs are never-ending, always vastly available.

Reminiscing about the past only makes me more comatose to the present. I spiraled into a deep depression after Edw – **he** left. After two fucking years I still can't bring myself to even _think_ **his** name, let alone say it aloud. **He** didn't want me. **He** threw me away like a piece of garbage.

The world of mythical creatures is my past. Even now, the clandestine existence of vampires and werewolves is surreal. I would be institutionalized if I ever utter a word about them. Especially in the state I'm in, I'm not the most stabilized person in the world at the moment.

I left Forks six months after my eighteenth birthday. I haven't looked back ever since.

Now at twenty, here I am wasting away my shitty life on anything and everything to numb the pain.

_**'You're not good for me, Bella.'**_

I couldn't deal with the fact that **he** no longer wanted me. I tried to live without **him** during those six months after he picked up with **his** whole family and abruptly disappeared from my life. Every time I tried to exist was futile because I was still devastated by **his** loss.

_**'I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed.**_'

But **he's** there, always lurking in the back of my mind; waiting to pounce on my fragile state of sanity.

Feelings of rejection flood me as **his** words repeat in my head like a fucking broken record. And **he** did exist, for only a mere moment, but I know **he** is real.

I bring my left hand to cover the silvery crescent scar on my right arm that is the physical proof **he** exists.

**He** should have just let the venom burn deep inside of me because that pain was one hundred times better than the agony I suffer from today. My heart decays each day that passes.

What we shared had to be real. What **he** is putting me through now though is worse than the venom I was almost incinerated with.

_**'Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.'**_

The words echo through my entire body, over and over and over. How could **he** think I would just forget my first love? Was it love? Or was it just some sort of sick fucking sadistic fascination I **he** had with me? **He** spat his pity on my soul; **he** should have saved **his** unnecessary breath because all **he** did was sell me out to save **himself**.

I wasn't able to handle the nightmares; I couldn't bear the searing pain the hole in my chest burns with.

I wasn't able to stand living in Forks any longer.

After constantly fighting with Charlie over my state of mind and secluding myself from the outside world, I decided I would be better off in a different place. That's when I moved to Jacksonville with Renée. I thought moving across the country would stop my inner demons from tormenting me.

Forks is a place I never want to return to. It's laced with the toxicity of bad memories.

I miss Charlie though. I regret not being the daughter he wanted. It sickens me what I put him through. He deserved a better life; the only way possible for that to happen is with me out of the picture. He tried to convince me to stay.

I left my best friend, the only person who could make me feel better. But for my own selfish reasons, I didn't care what his feelings were when I departed. I knew he was angry with me for running away. He was angry at **him** for killing me internally.

I miss Jacob so much. I long for those strong warm arms to encompass me, protecting me. Everything in our friendship was real. He made me feel loved and wanted. I rejected him for that piece of shit that ended up abandoning me. There's no way that Jacob could still want me after the stupid decisions I've made.

It hurt me immensely when he stood at my door on that rainy, gloomy day. He begged me not to leave for his sake but this was something I had to do for myself, whether it was good for me or not.

A tiny piece of my withered heart will always stay with Jacob. It's the only thing I was able to offer him.

Living in Jacksonville with Renée started out fine. I attended the local community college and did the normal eighteen-year-old thing for the first six months. I made new friends, went to parties in the dorms and had my first sexual experience.

I never thought my first time would be in a cramped up dorm room on a squeaky, small uncomfortable bed during a party. I always thought it would be something special I would share with someone I loved and who would love me back. Not some one-night stand in a drunken stupor. I had been drinking heavily. That night I also tried the first of many drugs I willingly accept now.

My life went out of control soon after. I thought I was doing fine within the first year but deep down inside I still felt vapid. It's not the real me who lives inside anymore. It's the shell of me that walks and talks to the outside world.

I'm desperate to not feel anything. My despair consumes me stronger each day I exist. My personal relationship with my mother is strained for many reasons. She knew I was heading down a path of destruction; her Bella always made the right choices.

Her beliefs were demolished when I would come home high or drunk. She hated the person I became. This fights constantly ensued between us.

I glance over my shoulder at the form passed out on the bed.

I met Brian at a party. He introduced me into this world I now know. He was clean-cut and very ruggedly handsome when I first met him. His sandy blond hair and piercing blue eyes hypnotized me. His stature stood at six feet and he was of medium build with a Florida tan. The person he turned out to be wasn't what I expected.

I allow my body to be used by him. I'm not in love and I don't think he loves me. The only reason I started some sort of a relationship with him is because I thought he would help me forget about **him**. Brian would make me forget what could have been with Jacob.

We dated but never put a label on what is was we were doing. Everything changed when I found out he made a living dealing drugs on the streets of Northside Jacksonville.

I always wondered where all the money came from since he never did work. We were constantly at each other's side.

To escape the internal suffering I would beg him to let me try whatever drugs he had on hand. He refused at first but when I would refuse to give into his need, Brian ultimately would agree to give me what I wanted.

Every night was a party at his place. We got wasted and took part in orgies while on mind-altering substances. Every now and then we would be oblivious to the world by going on drug and alcohol binges, locking ourselves in a motel room, feeding off each other's addiction.

Renée forbade me to see him when my grades started to slip. I eventually dropped out of college. I was never home and we were constantly at each other's throats. I refused to let her dictate my life like **he** tried to.

I moved away from Jacksonville with Brian. We wanted to be free and live our lives as we pleased with no one in the way. The only scene where it was alive at night, filled with excitement, was none other than Miami.

Miami is a five hour drive from Jacksonville; it wasn't too much of a distance between Renée and me. I left her my P.O. Box address where she would be able to contact me if she needed to.

I needed to start living my own life and enjoy it since I had nothing else to lose. My life was miserable even before I started in this shit.

Brian and I continued to live our lives out in a party every night. He is the only person I have left; the only human being who understands my pain.

He was physically abused as a child. His father abandoned him after his mother died of cancer when he was fourteen-years-old. We find solace in each other. Whether it's for sex, drugs or just the companionship of another person; I don't care which way he would want me, at least I was wanted.

I didn't need to keep any type of mythical secret of his either, the only secret I do keep is the drug dealing but that is by far much easier to keep silent than what I never speak about regarding my life back in Forks.

Our relationship changed drastically the night he physically hurt me. I was high on ecstasy that night. Some guy had come on to me at a club we were at and apparently he kissed me. Brian caught sight of what was going on and he was furious because I apparently liked the attention that was being given to me.

Brian dragged me out of the club and we sped home. Once we arrived at our place, he pulled me inside to the bedroom and his fist met my face. I was stunned; I didn't know what the hell had happened. That night he fucked me like the whore I was, as he put it. I have no memory of what transpired but the bruising on my face and body along with his explanation only made me aware.

I'd been determined to leave him but I thought I was deserving of this punishment for everything I put my family and friends through, for making **him** leave. So I stayed. I've taken every beating he's inflicted on me.

I lean forward and grab the tequila bottle off the table and take a swig straight from the bottle. The warm, fiery liquid burns as it glides down my esophagus when I swallow.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and place the bottle back on the table.

_Why can't I be a different person? Why did the higher being choose me to know of the mythical creatures that haunt my every thought? I'm worthless. I'm hopeless. What's the point of living?_

I'm tired of the life I live. Running away from everyone and everything and refusing to be helped in any way.

I extend my arm picking up the rolled up dollar bill in my hand. I tap it against the table a few times.

**His** face haunts my dreams. My night terrors always have **him** leaving me to die in the fantasy of the meadow that I once thought was beautiful and ours.

The vision when I'm there with **him** has a gorgeous sea of fuchsia, crème and violet wild flowers. The green forest trees flow through the wispy air as their leaves breathe life into the woods and the lush green pastures are heaven to lie on while next to **him**. **His** hard marble skin glimmers magnificently in the bright sun. I can envision that sweet cool kiss **he** gifts me with…

The vision shatters as I shake my head furiously. _Why can't I get rid of these fucking notions that circulated in my mind!_ I elude that **he** really loved me but in fact **he** didn't. I'm nothing to **him**. _Why does **he** still have to be here when **he's** been long gone!_

**His** secrets are buried in my skin and I can't wash them away even if I try. The air that surrounds me feels like a cage that I can't escape. My love for **him** now is just a camouflage for all the rage and hatred I hold inside. My **devil** makes me dream like no other mortal is capable of dreaming. The piercing screams of when I awake from these night terrors linger in the darkness as I lay trembling awake.

I have nothing left in my heart for me to care. I can't destroy something that isn't there anymore. **He** took my laughter, happiness, my smile. What flows inside me grows empty now.

I stand on my knees leaning closer to the table. I place the rolled up dollar bill above one of the lines lowering my nose to it.

It's always the initial step that's hard: finally giving into the drugs. This is what I need to escape reality. This makes me alive in a way when I'm sober I can't feel. I need the death of hope to let **him** go.

I press my finger against my other nostril, closing it I snort one line quickly. I feel the absorption of the powdery substance through my nasal membrane and swallow the after drip that's collected. I rub my nose fervently with my hand.

Leaning down again, I snort two more lines. My eyes roll back into my head.

The rolled up paraphernalia drops from my hand. I bring my fingers to touch my nose.

I stumble to the side of the bed. The burning sensation creeps up my nose. I clench my eyes shut and shake my head.

I lay my head against the bed. My arms are limp at my sides.

Nobody ever came looking for me. It's not like I want them to but the thought of someone doing so made me feel as if someone would care.

Jacob hasn't tried contacting me either. He was my best friend. _Maybe he doesn't even know where I am?_ No. Charlie has Renée's number and she knows where I stay. He probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm pathetic. I'm weak. He has put up with enough of my shit while I was with **him**. I don't blame Jacob if he wants nothing to do with me.

Tears begin to sting my eyes. I cover my face with my hands as the sobs erupt from me.

My life is fading before me. My life is nothing but a lie. I'm broken inside and I can't be fixed.

_Why did **he** have to come into my life?_ **He** promised to never leave me. Those golden eyes haunt me even when I'm awake. _Why doesn't **he** come save me from myself right now that I need it most?_

The cocaine overtakes me. My body trembles feeling the substance course through my nervous system. The euphoria takes effect when the numbing fills my being.

I've been using for the past year and every time the high becomes better. The addiction is difficult to resist. I need it to get through each day.

I bring my hands to clutch the sides of my head.

My blood starts pumping harder and faster through my constricted veins. My pupils dilate as I become alert of my surroundings. My heart thuds erratically against my chest and my skin flushes as my temperature begins to rise. I wipe the beads of sweat off my forehead.

**_'Bella, please – why are you doing this to yourself?'_**

_No, it can't be…I'm paranoid now. It isn't **his** melodic voice I heard around me._ I cover my ears and shut my eyes tightly. I shake my head vehemently. _No, no, no—fucking NO_!

"Why now? Why fucking now!" I scream. "After two fucking years you disappear and now you want to try and rescue me!"

I know becoming dependent on the drugs will enable a greater chance of hallucinations. "Yes, I'm just hallucinating now. Fucking great! I'm going insane and talking to myself."

**_'Bella love, please stop this.'_**

"What the fuck do you want with me now? Why now!" I sob. "Just leave me the hell alone, please," I beg breathlessly.

The combination of the acid and blow gives me horrible paranoia. I need to get rid of his voice. **He's** in my head and I can't stop it. I can't decipher reality from fantasy anymore.

Even though I want to be saved, the pain at hearing his melodic sweet voice just pierces the dagger through my heart, twisting and turning the blade as it shreds every last piece that's left.

"You didn't want me! You left me, so just leave me alone!" I scream into the emptiness of the room.

"Your vanity served you well, now look at me; the despicable fascination I have with you," I whisper angrily.

Brian still lay passed out on the bed.

_**'I'm so sorry, Bella.'**_

"I don't want to fucking hear it! I don't want to hear your voice! Just let me drown in my misery and go away!" Clenching my first I bring them to the front of my mouth. I close my eyes.

_I'm having a bad trip to the coke and acid._ This is the only explanation. What I heard is the manifestation of all the thoughts stirring in my head which are consumed by **him**.

_This isn't happening._I keep repeating to myself. _I'm losing my mind now. I have to stop with these fucking drugs; they are fucking with my emotions and now my hearing._

I open my eyes. I glance up and see the ghostly figure of **him** standing before me. I gasp in agony clutching my mid-section. My body shudders and the tears continue to stream down my cheeks.

"No. NO! You're not real! You're not fucking real!" I scream hysterically.

I stand and run towards the figure trying to hit it with my fists. The phantom disintegrates when my hand makes contact with it.

_I'm delusional. Why is this happening?_

I run into the bathroom. Turning on the cold water, I splash it on my face.

I peer with my blurred vision at the reflection in the mirror. Staring at myself I'm paralyzed, frozen inside. My eyes are bloodshot. I'm deathly pale and my frail skin is sunken around my eyes. My cheek bones protrude from my face. I'm rail thin and my hair is a knotted, ratty mess. The redness on my nose is evident from the insufflations of the cocaine. My face shines with red splotches from crying.

I'm just another sickly strung out junkie.

What's become of the pretty girl with the chocolate brown eyes and long chestnut locks?

She no longer exists. I'm now a shell without a soul since **he** went away.

I'm enraged at the reflection before me. I pull my right fist back and strike the mirror with such force the glass shatters to pieces. The broken bits of glass fall to the floor.

My knuckles sting instantaneously.

I yelp in pain holding my hand against my chest. The red ooze flows freely from the damage I inflicted to myself. My nostrils flare with disgust. The irony metallic smell of the substance almost makes me heave.

I scurry to the closet and grab a towel. I wrap it around my hand. The rag holds a maximum vacancy. The thick red liquid seeps through the material.

**He** always causes the pain, emotionally and now physically. I can't escape it as much as I want to. I want to let go of **him**. My mind is made up but my heart won't allow it. **He** is dragging me down and I can't pull away.

I leave the bathroom in a daze. The previous adrenaline rush that took over my body indicates the drugs are still pumping through my system.

I gaze around the room. It's cold and empty. The only presence in the room is the pale moon light glowing through the window curtains. Brian still lay almost lifeless on the bed.

My eyes stop at the object resting on the nightstand.

Brian always carries a gun.

I walk over and pick up the 9mm handgun. I stare at it for a long moment holding it in my shaking palm.

This is the only way to stop everything from hurting. No one will even notice I'm gone. **He** decided to make an appearance tonight. Whether it's the hallucination of my psyche? I'm not sure.

I drop the bloodied towel from my other hand.

I skim the hard contours of steel with my fingers. This one little piece of metal can take away the violent torment my life spiraled into.

I grip the gun firmly in both hands. The blood on my right hand has semi-dried on my knuckles.

How difficult would it be to end it all right now? In my hand is my solution to all the suffering I have endured for the past two years.

There is no higher being. Otherwise he or she, whatever it is, wouldn't allow my life to get this fucked up and twisted. I'm already falling into the pit of death without anyone to pull me out. I'm held together with just crippled bandages that are dangerously falling apart.

I lost my own human identity and have almost become an animal stuck between the passions of the flesh and the instincts of the mind; from being a prisoner of self to the illusion of freedom through meaningless acts, hollow, empty, and pointless; absolute vanity, not in beauty but in existence. Yearning to be free with the shrieks of insanity yet not knowing that no one and nothing is enslaving me.

Nostalgia flits through me remembering Charlie, Renée, Jacob and everyone else I'll leave behind. The sudden realization of never seeing them again hits me.

They're all probably better off without me.

The shattered pieces of my world are ones I can't pick up. Death is more complacent than the life I live now.

It'll be another suicide of some poor, depressed, pathetic little girl who has everything she needs in her life but ungrateful of the people who love her. Just another fucking statistic in the record books.

Sniffling and sighing heavily, I cock the hammer with my thumb. I hear the gun ready to engage.

I collapse to my knees. My skin burns against the carpeted floor. I turn the gun around to face me. The sadistic pleasure rises within me as I stare at the barrel before me.

This is it. All the pain and agony that I succumb to will end tonight.

I raise my trembling hands with the gun and place it in my mouth. The bitter taste of the cold metal penetrates my tongue; my teeth clank against the briny metal surface.

I feel so alive, right at this moment. Exceedingly alive than I have ever felt in the last two years.

The flourishing hot tears roll down my face. The sobs begin to wrack my entire body. I clench my eyes shut. My thumb rests on the cold curve of the trigger.

I inhale one last lung full of air before I work up the courage to finally squeeze it all the way down.

My lips tremble. "I'm so sorry," I softly whisper to the emptiness that surrounds me.

_Click._


	2. The Beginning is the End

**Rating:** NC-17

**Forewarning:** This chapter may include graphic content which includes adult themes, concepts and language.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**Chapter One – The Beginning is the End**

_The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role... You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask._

_~ Jim Morrison_

* * *

**B.P.O.V.**

My eyes flutter open as I am shaken awake by the slight turbulence of the plane.

It takes me a few seconds to realize my surroundings. My head rests against the window; I glance over to peer at the outside world. It is night fall with the mist falling in the dreary weather.

The stewardess taps my shoulder to get my attention. I turn to face the tall, skinny blond with green eyes, "Miss, we should be landing in the next forty-five minutes so if you need anything else that we can accommodate you with, just let me know," she plasters a cheesy smile on her face.

I nod.

I turn back around as I rest my head on my hands leaning against the cold oval window. I close my eyes reminiscing about the events of the past seventy-two hours.

I had almost ended my life.

If it had not been for Brian probably forgetting to load the bullets in the gun, I would not be sitting here at this moment. The drugs have fucked him up so bad he doesn't know where or what anything is anymore.

I had squeezed the trigger and nothing happened. My heart thuds in my ears at the memory.

I hit rock bottom, the lowest of lows that one could possibly imagine. To think I would decide to take my own life for a man who left me years ago was absurd to anyone on the outside looking in.

I shiver from the coldness my body feels. It has been three days since I have taken any sort of drug. My body is starting to feel the effects of withdrawal. My stomach churns with pain and nausea.

I was not able to remember the last time I had even eaten or bathed before that dreadful night.  
When the gun clicked and no bullet came out, my mind clicked into perspective. I don't want to die. I want to live and I want to see all the people I love and who love me. **He** isn't worth it, **he** will not win.

My eyelids fall heavy with sleep again. I have not rested like this in a long time. I would stay up almost five days at a time when I was on my drug binges.

The memory of that awful night replays in my dreams as I drift off to sleep once more...

_I drop the gun and stand up quickly, gasping for air. I clutch my chest, sobbing hysterically I run to the bathroom; dropping to my knees, I vomit the acidic contents of my empty stomach into the toilet._

_What the fuck am I doing? I can't kill myself over **him**. This is beyond breaking up with a boyfriend. I **need** help; I can't keep living this dead life anymore, mourning a loss that doesn't matter to anyone else but me. But it isn't worth taking my own life._

_I stand as I grab onto the sides of the ceramic bowl to keep my balance. I have to get out of here. I wipe my eyes and face trying to get somewhat clean._

_I stumble out of the bathroom into the dark room. Brian is still beyond gone. He can go fuck himself for dragging me into this mess. I am not going to be his whore anymore that takes the physical and emotional abuse._

_My psyche is beyond damaged now, whether that has anything to do with what I had seen or heard earlier, I am not sure._

_I grab my clothes that are strewn around the room and get dressed quickly. I want to get out of this place as soon as possible before Brian has a chance to wake up. He will probably be passed out for another twelve hours or so since he has been using longer during the night than I have. I can't risk him waking up while I try to escape._

_I am still in somewhat of a haze from the earlier psychotic episode I had._

_I look around for my shoes and throw them on haphazardly when I find them. I grab my bag and creep silently to the door, turning the knob to open it. I pray to the higher being that I will not make too much commotion. I slowly tiptoe out and close the door behind me, closing this chapter of hell in my life for good. The door softly clicks in place securing its hold._

_I shuffle down the long corridor of rooms and reach the elevator, I frantically push the down button over and over. This fucking thing is taking too long, I run to the door that points to the stairs. I push the heavy metal door and reach for the railing, grabbing hold of it as I make my way down each step, never looking back._

_Once I reach the bottom of the steps, I come to another metal door that leads to my freedom. I push it open with such force that it flings back all the way, hitting against the concrete building._

_I have no idea where the hell I am going but I just know I have to get far away from here._

_I run into the cool night air into the busy Miami streets. I have to keep my calm, I can't freak out in public otherwise I would be sent to an insane asylum._

_I walk quickly down a sidewalk thinking of the path my life has taken. The concrete under my feet is smooth and sleek when I begin walking, the way my life started out in my earlier days as a teen. It slowly transforms into a cracked, uneven mess with the lines crooked everywhere, the ironic metaphor hits close to home. That is my life now._

_At this moment I know what I have to do. I find the nearest payphone and dig into my bag for the coins the tattered, graffitied, metal telephone asks for. I only have a few dollars on me since Brian is the one who keeps the money. Luckily, I find some coins at the bottom of my bag._

_I insert the coins quickly into the slot. I am anxious; I look all around me to assure I am not being followed. I punch in the number to the person I know I can go to at this moment._

_The phone rings a few times before the sleepy voice answers._

_"Hello?" the voice answers groggily._

_I inhale and exhale heavily, not saying a word._

_"Hello? Who is this?" the voice irritated now, they must have been on their tenth pleasant dream. I have no idea what those are like._

_I am the one who called. I need to grow the balls to at least say something. I grip tighter the hard, plastic receiver in my sweaty, trembling palms._

_"M-mom," I croak._

_"Bella, Bella is that you?" her voice awake and anxious now._

_The tears start to pool in my eyes blurring my vision. "Y-yes mom, i-it's me." I stutter._

_"Oh honey! Where are you? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Oh god, please tell me you're okay!" she questions in a panic._

_"I'm okay f-for n-now. I-I…." I blow out a breath. It is so hard asking for help. My pride doesn't want to allow me be to be helped._

_The line is silent as I hear Renée's deep breaths flow through the receiver._

_"I-I want to c-come home," I breathe out almost in relief._

_I hear the silent sobs on the other end as my mother breaks down._

_My tears stream down my cheeks, "I know I've messed up with us in the past year and….a-and I'm….so so sorry, mom."_

_I am ashamed of myself, ashamed at the person I have become._

_"Oh Bella, you don't know how long I've been praying for you to come back. I didn't know how or where to find you after you left, all you left me was that address but every time I wrote to you, I never received any return mail from you," she crys._

_I wipe my snotty nose with the back of my hand, "I know I messed up. P-please, let me come home, I need h-help….and, I c-can't do it on my own an-anymore."_

_"Of course, why wouldn't I want you back home? I want to help you get better. Where are you?" she sniffles._

_"I-I'm s-still in Miami. I don't h-have any money for a c-cab. I don't want to wait until tomorrow or the next. I need to get out of here now, mom." The knots inside my stomach become tighter at the thought of never leaving this place. The void is still there. The hate for **him** still exists very vividly._

_The pain starts to overflow again at the mere thought of **him**._

_"Bella, call a cab and I'll pay for it when you get here," she states._

_I do as she says. After dialing for the cab to pick me up at the convenience store I am at, I sit on the curb, wrapping my arms around myself, holding the little remnants that are left of me together before I completely fall apart again._

_The drugs are starting to wear off as the emotions of the night's events plow me at full force. I rest my head in my hands as I sob endlessly, rocking back and forth. It feels like I am losing my mind, I can't shake the feelings of despair that consume me._

_I am too young to lose my soul for someone that isn't worth it, for a creature that has no regard for human life._

_The yellow taxi finally pulls up. I wipe my face and pick myself up with a strength I don't know I have. I walk over to open the door and climb in, shutting the door behind me. This is it now, this is the way it is suppose to end; not by ending my life but by leaving the old me behind to seek help for the new me I want to become; the better me._

_I give the cabbie directions to head to Jacksonville, non-stop and he will get paid once we arrive._

_I lay down in the back seat curling up in the fetal position wrapping my arms around my knees. I am only five hours away from my new life. I exhale a puff of breath. I close my eyes and yawn. I linger in the state of consciousness until my body can't hold on any longer, my eyes open and close until finally sleep has overcome the battle._

* * *

_"Hey! Wake up, miss? We're here," my body shakes as I feel a hand push against my shoulder._

_I awake in a daze. Had it all been a dream? I lift my head up and gaze out the car window. I see the home I long for. I sit up quickly as I realize it isn't all a bad dream but a reality that I escaped death from._

_"Y-yeah, sorry," I repy in a scratchy voice. I rub my eyes before opening the door._

_I tell the guy I will be right back as I exit the cab._

_As I walk up the long drive way I glance up and see Renée and Charlie waiting by the front Marvin window. I am ecstatic to see both of them here, both of them willing to still help me._

_They don't realize I have arrived yet._

_I run up the porch steps and stand there for a moment. I came all this way and I had to get help. I have to pick up the pieces of my life. I can't depend on anyone doing it for me. This is something I have to learn to do on my own with professional help along with the help of my family. I will eventually be my old self, living a normal life. And that's what I yearn for._

_I bring my left closed fist to the door. I hesitate for a moment; I wait, lowering my fist I slide my hands into my back pockets. What will I say? How will my mom and dad react when they see me? I probably changed drastically since the last time they both set eyes on me._

_The door swings open quickly. Renée stands before me unmoving for a few seconds. It is as if she is looking at a ghost, not believing what is in front of her. The tears begin to well in her eyes as they trickled down her cheeks. My own tears form at the realization of how much I miss her._

_I run into her arms clutching her tightly. She wraps her arms around me tight, never letting go, not wanting to lose me again._

_"I've missed you," I whisper into her hair._

_"Bella, I've missed you so, so much too. I was afraid you wouldn't come, that you'd change your mind at the last minute," she smoothes my hair with her hand; the gesture brings back the pleasant memories of my child hood._

_I reluctantly release her tight hold. Charlie appears next to her and I pull him into a tight hug. I grew up living with my dad, even though I love both my parents immensely there is a bond I hold with him that is so strong._

_My silent tears turn into sobbing as I clutch him tighter never wanting to let him go, ever. "I-I'm so, so sorry," I sob into his shoulder. "I-I l-love both o-of y-you so m-much," I stutter uncontrollably with my crying. He grips me tighter, my resolve is deteriorating, and I am emotionally drained._

_I break down as Charlie has to hold me up from collapsing. My body trembles in his arms as the tears flow freely now. I am home. I have my family together. I finally see hope at the end of the tunnel._

_"It's okay Bells, we're here for you now. You're family is here for you, shhh. It's all going to be alright" he whispers into my hair as he cradles me in his arms._

_I doubted in there being a higher power but now, a higher power did seem to really exist. I thought my life was over and now, here I stand in my mother's house and in my father's arms._

_Charlie lifts me up and carries me inside the house. I hear Renée's footsteps as she follows behind us. "Why don't you bring her into the living room, wait there for me while I go pay the taxi driver," She says to Charlie._

_My face is buried in Charlie's shoulder as I grip my hands tightly around his neck. He sits down on the sofa quietly letting me empty out all the anguish I have held in._

_I finally quiet down after a few moments and lift my head up. I sniffle as I peer into Charlie's eyes.  
A small smile plays on his lips as his watery eyes shine with so much hope and love.  
I nod as I half-smile at him. I sit fidgeting with the hem of my black hoodie sweater._

_I glance at my surroundings; my eyes absorb the huge house I used to call home. Everything is exactly the same, nothing out of place; not one thing out of order._

_The only thing that has changed is me._

_I slowly lift myself to move next to Charlie. I glance around the living room walls; they are adorned with all the family photos. Those are the good memories I yearn for._

_We sit in silence on the large brown leather sofa as we wait for Renée to return._

_My head is pounding almost with a massive migraine; my stomach aches with sharp pangs of pain. I clutch my mid-section as the memories from a few months before I moved to Miami with Brian play in my head like a movie reel._

_I don't want to think about that time in my life. That is something I am not ready to face being here now. I know Renée will bring it up; it is bound to come up in our conversation. She is worried and loves me after all._

_I can escape thinking about those specific events in my life when I am under the influence of any type of illegal substance. Now that my body has burned off the drugs, it is hard to escape the past._

_So many things I want to escape, so much pain I **don't** want to confront._

_Renée brings me out of my internal conflict as she returns taking a seat across from us on the other sofa, wiping the visible tears from her eyes, "You must be hungry; did you want me to fix you something to eat?"_

_I stare down at my hands that rest on my lap now; the red, raw, jagged cuts on my knuckles are still clearly visible from the damage I inflicted on myself from the previous night._

_I shake my head no in response to her question._

_Renée glances down at my injured hand. "Bella, Oh my god! Look at your hand, what happened? You said you were okay?" She asks concerned as she moves next to me._

_"Mom, I don't want to talk about it right now, later okay?" My voice is raspy from all the crying._

_She sighs._

_"Well, let me get the first aid kit ready at least. Would you like to get cleaned up and changed then? Your…stuff is still in your room….just as you left it."  
I glance up at her, "Yes, I-I think a shower will help me right now." I am a jittery nervous wreck._

_Renée nods in acknowledgment._

_"H-how are you here dad? I mean, I-I j-just called last n-night," I question Charlie._

_"Your mother called me immediately after you had called her. There wasn't any doubt that I wouldn't be here when you arrived. So Renée chartered a small private jet for me. Phil was kind enough to do so. I drove down to the Puyallup Airport from Forks and it took only about an hour for me to land at the Herlong Airport in Jacksonville. I rented a car and drove here to your mom's."_

_The tears begin to flow down my face again; my parents do love me and miss me, even Phil. They will do anything for me._

_I gain composure of my crying, "Where is Phil?"_

_"He's away traveling for the baseball season. He knew you were coming because I called him too. He misses you so much Bella, he wanted to leave and come home but I told him Charlie and I would be here for you and he didn't need to come all the way home." Renée answers._

_I nod silently._

_"Come on, I'll walk you upstairs," Renée stands up and extends her hand to me. "After you get comfortable, we'll sit down and….catch up," Her voice hesitates with such sadness._

_I clear my throat before answering, "Okay."_

_We ascend up the stairs hand-in-hand, comfortable; like as if nothing has changed or has been wrong in our relationship for the past year._

_Charlie awaits downstairs._

_We make our way down the hallway past the doors to the several rooms the house keeps until finally stopping at the door that I used to call my room._

_It all seems so distant, like another life time._

_Renée turns the knob and pushes the door open. The scent of vanilla and strawberry musk overwhelm my senses. I am astounded that I am still able to recognize my old familiar scent. I miss it._

_She waves at me to follow her in. I reluctantly step one foot in front of the other entering the room._

_I stand in the middle of the room as I gaze around the area of living space; inhaling and savoring the sweet warm aroma of home._

_Renée isn't kidding when she says everything is as I had left it. Other than what she probably did to clean it up and make the bed, all my things are exactly in their place from the last time I was here._

_Renée moves to stand next to me handing me a towel and clean clothes. I didn't realize she had gone to get the items from the closet, "Thanks." I give her a meek smile._

_"I'll be downstairs when you're done."_

_"Yeah, okay."_

_She purses her lips and nods as she turns around to walk out of the room._

_"Mom?" I say quickly. She stops in her tracks, turning slightly to face me. "I- um….thank you, again," I exhale._

_A sorrowful smile rises on her lips before she walks out and closes the door behind her, leaving me to my own oppressiveness._

_I stand there for a moment wondering if this is the right decision I have made; can I make it each day from now on without any dependency of drugs. Will I even be able to make it through the detoxification process?_

_I have been semi-sober for the past eight hours and I already feel like shit._

_I groaned.  
I have to get help, no matter what. This is the best decision I have made in the past two years._

_I set my things on the bed, grabbing only my towel and walk into the bathroom._

_The steam fills the room fogging the mirrors quickly after I turn the hot water on. I need the water hot in order for me to wash away all the un-cleanliness I feel, I thought scrubbing myself raw until my skin turns scarlet with the hot water would seep deeper into my pores to get the damage I have done to myself out._

_I hope it isn't too late for me, I want to get better. I want to be my old self again._

_The water droplets roll over my head and glide down my body, washing away the physical filth from me.  
I can't remember when the last time is that I had a shower. There were times I didn't even know what day it was or even the month. All I knew was the sun gave way to light and the moon invited the darkness._

_I close my eyes for a moment, resting my forehead against the tiled shower wall. My breathing becomes labored; the heaviness I now feel in my chest is making it difficult to breathe, I exhale and inhale deeply. I place my right palm against the wall to lean into it._

_A vision flashes behind my closed eyes…_

_**I stand in front of the white porcelain sink, peering down I watch the water tinged with blood flow down the drain. I glance back up at the reflection in the mirror, the girl I see is brutally beaten beyond recognition. The sanguine fluid runs down the side of her face from a head laceration. Her face is flushed crimson with perspiration, pinkish bruising shines around the eyes. The thick red fluid flows freely from her nose, over her grazed and swollen lips; seeping into her mouth mixing with her saliva. **_

_**Realization comes to me then, it is me.**_

_**I bring my fingers to touch my face, the stinging pain is everywhere; not only on my face but my body feels the pangs of bruising. My hands begin to shake as the tears come fast rolling down my face. I whimper in agony feeling the pain at full force now.**_

_**A loud rancorous bang hits the door. I turn around to hear the pounding get louder and harder. Where am I? Panic fills me at the moment.**_

_**"Open the fucking door now!" a deep male voice screams.**_

_**What is happening? Is this a dream?**_

_**"I said to open the fucking door now, Bella! I'm going to break it down if you don't open it in the next five fucking seconds!" The door knob jiggles as the person tries to open it.**_

_**I stand there terrified and confused. I shake my head frantically to bring me back to reality.**_

_**Nothing, I am still here.**_

**_My breathing increases as the banging turns into forceful thuds hitting against the door. He is trying to break the door down._**

**_My crying turns into insuppressible wailing now._**

**_The door swings open with a loud crack and bang hitting against the wall. Brian appears at the door. My arms instinctively wrap in a protective mode around my mid-section as my breathing becomes erratic._**

**_"Didn't I tell you to open the fucking door? I didn't say you could walk away from me. I'm going to teach you a lesson so that next time, when I tell you to do something, you'll fucking do it, bitch!" He spits out viciously._**

**_No. This isn't happening. This isn't real. I am not here. I am supposed to be in Jacksonville, in my mother's house._**

**_I lean back against the sink, holding myself up with my hands as they rest on either side of it. My tears spill relentlessly._**

**_Brian trudges towards my direction in a fury. He is angry; his hands are clenched at his sides into fists._**

**_"Please….no…I-I'm s-sorry," I sob out._**

**_He stands right in front of me, so close I can feel his breath on my face. Brian fists my hair in his hand, pulling it back hard. "Ahhh, p-please, stop!" I cry out._**

**_"When I fucking tell you to stay put, you fucking stay put; I didn't say you could come into the bathroom. I was asking you a fucking question when you walked away from me," his eyes are menacing, evil. "Look at you, you're disgusting," he sneers. "You're nothing but a fucking whore. Whose is it? Huh? Answer me….fucking answer me!" he roars. "Who the fuck knows who else you've fucked, tell me now!"_**

**_I shake my head furiously; what is he asking me? What is whose? I have no idea what he was talking about. My brain can't comprehend what is going on._**

**_The next thing I know I am gasping desperately for air. Brian has his hands around my throat, strangling me. I can feel him almost crushing my wind pipe. My hands rise quickly to grip each of his wrists to get him to stop. His body leans into mine; his vice grip will not release me._**

**_I try fighting for a breath again, "Pl-please," I barely manage to wheeze out._**

**_The tears stream down the sides of my face. This can't be the end, can it? No, I decided to get my life straight; to get out of this mess. This is just a dream I keep repeating to myself._**

**_I bring my fisted hands to hit his arms with all my strength and my legs flail wildly trying to kick him._**

**_The darkness starts to overtake my being; my eyelids are heavy as they begin to close._**

**_I am dying. No, no, NO!_**

**_"I told you not to fuck around on me, what did I tell you if you ever tried to fuck me over? I'd fucking kill you. All you are is fucking cunt that likes to spread her legs for everyone," He whispers angrily into my ear._**

**_Brian releases his constricted hold on me, I collapse onto the cold floor; gasping for oxygen my lungs so desperately beg for. I clutch my throat as I wheeze and cough out inhaling deep breaths._**

**_I sob bringing my arms over my head to protect myself as I lay there. I cry out in agony, screaming for help, my sobs become shrieks as I tremble violently…._**

_ "Bella Bella, honey? It's okay, shhh. It's me baby, look at me. Please Bella." I hear a soothing female voice. I am on a cold wet floor crouched over; my screaming continues as I convulsively sob, my arms are still covering my head._

_"Bella, it's alright; I'm here. Nothing's going to hurt you anymore." It is Renée; she has her arms wrapped around me. "Please look at me, I'm here for you, shhh," I hear her weep quietly. "Please Bella; let me help you….you're safe, you're here with me now," she whispers softly._

_I have my eyes shut but I now realize I am still in the shower naked. I was not back in Miami with Brian. It was so real, so vivid though. It didn't feel like a dream. I know what I just experienced and it was not an illusion._

_My crying decreases as I lay still, inhaling and exhaling deep breaths._

_"I'm going to get you a towel, alright? I'll be right back. I'm not going to leave you," she gently removes her arms from my back. I shiver at the coldness that makes my skin turn into goose bumps._

_My sniffles come in short spurts along with my heavy sighs._

_The warmness envelopes me as Renée covers me with the towel. "Bella, can you get up?" She tenderly asks._

_I can't move. I am frozen in place from shock and the terror I felt during whatever it is that I just went through._

_"Shhh, it's alright. See, you're safe. No harm will come to you anymore," She rubs soothing circles on my back. "I'll stay here with you until you're ready to get up," she whispers._

_The only sound in the room is my heavy breathing, my sobs finally subside. Renée holds onto me tight as she continues to calm me down, smoothing her hands over my damp hair._

_I calm down enough to try and move, Renée pulls away from me. I sniffle, uncovering my head. I tilt my head to the right to see her through my hair that covers my face._

_I shake my head no._

_"Bella? No? No what honey?"_

_I can't speak. It is as if my voice has been removed from me. My sobs begin again, it was so real. I can't control anything. I can't decipher fantasy from reality anymore._

_"I'm going to get your father to carry you to the room alright? You can't stay in here like this baby," she murmurs._

_I hear footsteps coming in and out of the room. Another warmness envelopes me, "Bella, I covered you with a large blanket okay? Your dad's going to carry you to your bed so you can calm down and rest."_

_I whimper, I can't answer her. I lay curled up in a ball on the cold shower floor._

_Suddenly a pair of large arms wraps around me and lifts me up without uncovering my naked form. I am placed on a soft plush bed. I curl my body into a ball and bury my face in the pillow; my hot tears trickle down my face._

_The bed shifts a little with someone sitting on the side, "Sweetie, I'm going to make you some tea. It'll help with the next few days, alright? It's an herb named Valerian Root; I had Charlie buy it from the health store earlier today. It'll calm you down and help you sleep. I'll be right back, okay"_

_I barely manage to nod._

_The bed shifts back to its normal state as Renée gets up and walks out to the hallway._

_I hear faint whispers around me, "Charlie, I don't think it's a good idea for her to stay in Florida with everything that's happened the past two years; she isn't stable right now. She needs to go into rehab to detoxify her body from the drugs."_

_"I know she does Renée but do you honestly think it's a smart idea to have her go back to Forks? With what that Cullen kid did to her? That's what destroyed her in the first place. You know she's not going to want to go back there."_

_"I understand where you are coming from but I think we can convince her to go get some rehabilitation over there, Phil and I will pay for the best rehab facility money can buy…and I know it's not about the money but…you of all people know why she can't stay here, because of Brian."_

_Charlie sighs._

_"Yeah, you are right. I just don't want to see her spiral down this deep hole again being back in Forks. Everyone misses her dearly though. I've missed her."_

_"Charlie, Bella isn't safe here if Brian is around. He knows where I live and I know where he'll come looking first, I can't risk putting her in harm's way again. I let her go the first time when she moved to Miami after I told her to stay with me, that I would take care of her no matter what she chose._

_But I ultimately let her make the decision to leave and it killed her even more with what happened, more than what Edward did to her by leaving her. I know that wasn't something she could get over so easily, no woman can get through that without any moral support. And she still refuses to talk about it. I feel as if I failed her as a mother by allowing her to leave," Renée's soft cries erupt._

_"Shhh, it's not your fault Renée. Don't beat yourself up for the past, what's happened can't be changed; as much as we wish it turned out different, there's nothing we can do about it now. Look, just calm down; get her the tea and let her rest. Once she's able to fully be alert and coherent, then we'll speak to her about the move to Forks, alright?"_

_"Okay," Renée ends the conversation with that._

_Moving to Forks never crossed my mind once in the past year and a half I have been living in Florida. I don't want to go back because of **him** but hearing the conversation between my mother and father, my mom has a point; I can't stay here. I am in danger every minute I am here. Brian could come any time he wanted to. I don't want to go back with him; I don't want to go back to that violent lifestyle._

_There is no way I will stay here._

_There is a slight knock on the door. I shift around but not enough to look at who has come in._

_"Bella, do you want to try and drink some tea? It'll help calm you and help with sleep as I said."_

_My body feels lethargic, I can't move like a normal person._

_"Here, let me help you sit up," Renée sits beside me, brushing my hair out of my face with her fingers._

_I open my eyes to see the woman who gave birth to me, sadness and sympathy paint her face._

_I slowly pull myself up with all my strength, keeping the blanket wrapped around me, "There we go, you'll feel better in no time with some sleep," Renée states. I grab the mug from her as I sip the warm liquid._

_I still struggle to find my voice but am able to whisper, "What did you say this is?"_

_"It's Valerian Root, I called my doctor and she said for…" Renée pauses but continues, "cocaine withdrawals… this will help until we're able to get you some professional help and on medication."_

_I clear my throat, "Oh, okay."_

_I finish gulping down the tea and fall into a deep slumber with no bad dreams; no worries from the past, no worries of the present and no worries for the future._

* * *

_My eyes open watching the sun light dance across the walls of the room. I lay there for a few minutes. I haven't rested like this for a long while. I am still in Renée's home. It is all too hard to believe I am still here. I keep thinking to myself it is all a dream and I will awake in some shitty motel high as a kite._

_I move around stretching my achy muscles. I sit up and see that my clean clothes are still sitting on the edge of the bed. I outstretch my arm from under the blanket and reach over to grab them._

_I roll off the bed and lock the room door, I get dressed quickly. The house is too quiet and I don't like it._

_I unlock the door and creep out into the hallway, walking down the long corridor I drag my fingers against the wall, gazing at all the photos staring back at me._

_I make it to the top of the stairs; I hear voices echoing from the kitchen. I descend carefully since I am still in a bit of a foggy daze from the sleep._

_I walk through the living room and dining area until I reach the archway of the kitchen. There at the table sat Renée and Charlie enjoying a conversation over breakfast and coffee._

_I smile. I can't believe I have both my parents here with me. This is the happiest moment that I have had in the past two years. I am grateful to the higher power that exists for bringing us together once again as a family, even under these circumstances._

_I clear my throat to announce my entrance._

_"Oh Bella, honey you're up! How do you feel? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Here why don't you come have a seat," Renée rushes her words out._

_I slightly chuckle, "Mom, I'm fine. Thanks though. I can stand on my own and sit on my own as well. Don't worry," I wave her off and smile._

_"I've missed your laugh and that beautiful smile," she says. For the first time in a long while I think I blush._

_"Yeah well, um…I'm glad I got some sleep. I haven't slept that well in a while."_

_"You certainly did Bells, you slept the whole afternoon and night from yesterday and most of this morning; it's ten o'clock," Charlie informs me._

_"I slept that long? Wow. I'm sorry," I rub the side of my arm._

_"Nonsense, it's fine. You needed the rest and we're both happy you had some and that you feel better from yesterday," Renée smiles warmly._

_"Did you want some breakfast? I can fix you some pancakes or eggs if you'd like?"_

_"No, I'm not hungry," I answer._

_Renée furrows her brows, "Bella, you haven't eaten since you arrived. You need to at least eat a piece of fruit or a bagel."_

_I fidget with my fingers, "Fine, I'll have some fruit."_

_"Good. I'll cut you some strawberries and bananas."_

_Charlie speaks as Renée rises from her seat to the kitchen counter, bringing out a bowl and some utensils, "Bells, listen; your mother and I want to talk to you about something. We have agreed that it's best for you to come back with me to Forks. We've already arranged for you to stay as an inpatient at an addiction rehabilitation facility; it's a women's program you'll be in and it's the best the west coast has._

_Now I don't want to hear any objections from you. The decision is final, just please try to understand why this is the best option for you instead of staying here. I don't know what happened to you in the shower yesterday but if you want to talk, we're here to listen. We don't like to bring up the past and we know you're not ready to discuss….certain things, we think by you getting this professional help; it'll help re-establish a normal life for you but you must let us help you. So your bags are packed and we'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon," he says with finality._

_As much as I hate the notion of going back to Forks, I know this is probably the best option for me at the moment. I can't stay here. I don't want Brian to find me. He doesn't even know about my past life in Forks. He would not know where to start looking for me even if he tried._

_I nod quietly in agreement._

_Charlie's eyes almost bug out in surprise. "So…you agree with us?"_

_I sigh. "Yes dad. I'll go. I want to be as far away from Brian as I possibly can. I know this is the only way," I state with my arms crossed, staring at the marble floor._

_"Well good, that was easy," He shrugs taking a sip of his coffee. Renée shakes her head in amusement._

_I sit down at the table as I pick at the fruit that my mother placed in front of me. I mostly have extreme fatigue and stomach cramps associated with the cocaine withdrawal. I am also growing anxious and irritated by the minute for no apparent reason._

_I know this is going to be a difficult road to recovery but I am willing to be helped now._

* * *

"Bells? Wake up hon. we've landed."

"Mmm?" I vaguely acknowledge the voice speaking to me that sounds so distant.

"Bells come on wake up, honey. We've landed in Port Angeles. It's time to get off the plane," I am shaken gently to come out of my deep unconsciousness.

I open my eyes to the bright light of the cabin, "Huh? What? Oh….," I awake rubbing my eyes to get the sleepiness out of them; my head is still resting against the oval window of the plane.

"Sorry dad," I say softly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'd let you sleep all night on this plane but I don't think the flight attendants would appreciate that," he chuckles.

I snicker. "Yeah, yeah; I know." I stretch as I stand up. I make my way out of the cramped row of seats into the walk way of the plane. Charlie grabs our bags from overhead before we shuffle out of the plane.

We walk through the airport and make our way out to the rental car parking lot. Charlie rented a car so it was ready and waiting for us.

I stand still for a moment outside; I inhale the sweet earthy scent of the fallen rain. I indulge in the aroma of the pine from the trees in the woods that surround us. My eyes absorb the stunning night sky filled with thousands of stars as the pale moon shines its marvelous bright light on us.

"Bells, you ready?" Charlie asks.

I nod looking back at him. I am ready, more than ever am I ready.

I am surrounded by the beautiful essence of _home_.


	3. Dead Memories

**Rated:** NC-17

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Forewarning:** This chapter includes adult content and will deal with subjects sensitive in nature.

* * *

**Chapter Two – Dead Memories**

_"You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes love and go on." _

_~ David Harkins_

* * *

I sit on the edge of the bed with my head held in my hands.

She is coming back. Eighteen months without her and now she decides to reappear in my life again. I never even heard a word from her since she left me that day on her doorstep like a fucking fool; not even a letter, email or even a phone call to let me know she's still alive at least.

I poured out all my feelings for her that day and begged her not to leave, for me. I loved her. I still do. Every day is excruciatingly painful not having her around or with me. She thought she was broken after that fucking leech ditched her; what she did to me is no different.

The first few months after her absence I fell into a deep dark abyss which I thought I wouldn't be able to crawl out of. If it weren't for my pack brothers and sister, I would have lost myself in the beast I am internally.

The moment Billy told me she was coming back with Charlie the world stopped spinning on its axis; time stood still for me. I couldn't believe it.

I miss her so much and I want to see her but my anger and resentment towards her consumes the better part of me to care enough.

Our relationship….fuck, not even that existed between us before she left; our _friendship_ meant nothing to her. All those years I had been there for her, her shoulder to cry on; no matter what the situation or time of day it was, I comforted her because I loved her. She was and still is my world. I would do _anything_ for her

I couldn't bring myself to call Charlie and ask about her throughout the past year. It hurt too much to even mention her name. Everyone walked on egg shells around me after she left. I couldn't blame them; I hated the whole fucking world. I hate this thing I am born into; I hate the bloodlines that bind me to this God forsaken curse that is thrown upon me without my permission.

If none of this whole mythical bullshit of vampires and werewolves existed I would have won the girl. Bella would have chosen me. But the painful reality was that she rejected me for that fucking bloodsucker, and what did that do? It destroyed her. She broke me just as much as Cullen broke her.

How ironic the similarities we shared but yet I still wasn't enough for her.

The sadistic obsession she had for Cullen was just as bad as the love I have for her. The insane part of all of this was that I persevered with my life _for her_. She is the reason I'm alive and breathing.

I promised her I wouldn't stop fighting for her until her heart stopped beating and even then, I was willing to be the idiot and still love her after that. My love for her is unconditional, even with the enormous anger I hold inside I know seeing her would dismiss all of that just like salt dissolves in water.

That's why I can't face her. I still need to get my head clear and work out everything I am feeling internally. Every waking moment she was there, any little thing reminded me of her. Fuck, even in my sleep I dreamt of her!

I can't find it in myself to forgive her just yet. I have finally started to move on, I have been seeing someone for the past couple of months; I mean, it isn't anything serious but it can easily progress to that.

Then _she_ decides to walk back into my life like it isn't a big fucking deal, like she never ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it until it turned into a bloody pulp.

I _showed_ her how much I loved her that day before she walked out of the door and it still wasn't good enough. I don't even know why she is here, I have no idea what has gone on in her life the past year and a half.

Would she live with Charlie? Did she get her own place? Would she want to come see me? Did she even miss me at all?

I groan in frustration. She consumes my every thought now. I can't stop thinking about her.

The knock on my door brings me out of my thoughts; I lift my head, "Come in."

Billy appears at the doorway, "Son, I just wanted to let you know that Charlie landed in Port Angeles last night."

I purse my lips into a tight thin line. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I just thought you'd like to know, son."

"Well, I don't and I would appreciate it if you would just pretend nothing has changed," I state sternly.

Billy nods but his demeanor is….off somehow. I decide I don't want to know anything about her right now.

I rub my face with my hands before speaking again, "Look, I'm sorry for being such an ass but just….please understand this is hard for me, dad."

His face flickers with so much sympathy towards me. "I understand this will be difficult but I need you to know that Bella isn't the same eighteen-year-old girl anymore who left Forks a year and a half ago."

I snort in amusement, "Of course dad and I'm not the weak, pathetic eighteen-year-old kid who begged her to stay either. We're both adults now at twenty. I get it."

"Jake, that's not what I mean," he sighs. "Bella is….well after she left; it didn't get any better for her. I understand you're angry but I think it would be good for her and you to reconcile your relationship and I think it will help her through her situation right now."

Is this old man crazy? Did he not just listen to a word I said?

I sigh in irritation, "Dad, she's the one who left. If she wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me!"

My anger is rising; my body begins to shake with the initial reactions to phasing. Fury rolls through me as the heat starts at the base of my spine and ripples through my whole body.

"Jake she can't!" Billy blurts out before I can phase on the spot.

The shaking comes to a halt and my vision clears from the state of fury my mind has engaged in.

"What? What do you mean she can't?" I ask perplexed.

"Son, she is in rehab. She will be there for a two month program in Port Angeles that Charlie and Renée put her in; maybe even longer depending on her progress," he says sadly.

My ears hear the words Billy speaks but my brain can't process them.

"Why is Bella in rehab?" What has happened over this past year and a half? Hell, I didn't even know where she lived! All I know is that she had moved to Florida with her mom.

"Bella got into the wrong crowd while living in Jacksonville, she got involved with….a certain person that just….dragged her down the wrong path and now she is in a rehabilitation facility for…," Billy hesitates. He is contemplating on whether he should finish telling me the compressed story.

I start to raise my voice, "What dad? Don't start telling me all this then abruptly stop leaving me in the dark!" I am getting irritated every minute that passes not knowing what the hell is going on.

Billy sighs somberly. "She's in rehab for drug addiction. There are just a lot of traumatic things she is in there for but the good thing is that she reached out to Charlie and Renée for help and that is why she is here in Forks again," he finishes.

I sit without any words to say. My brain absorbs the illuminating information. I blurt out the first words that come to mind, "How long have you known about her?"

"I didn't know specifics until Charlie called a couple days ago when he was letting me know he was leaving to Jacksonville for a few days. All he mentioned to me over the past months she had been away was that she still wasn't in a stable state of mind. I never pushed him for more information when he would bring her up in the conversations."

I glance down at the carpeted floor. I nod blankly. "Well, thanks for letting me know all that." What else can I say? The woman I live for, the woman who owns my heart is in fucking drug rehab!

This makes the anger rise within me all over again. How can she turn to that shit? I was only a phone call away; she didn't trust or love me enough to help her even if we were thousands of miles apart? The fucking tears start to brim around my eyes. This is what she does to me; she broke me all over again.

I clear my throat and nonchalantly wipe the pool of tears that are on the verge of welling over from my eyes, shaking my head to dispel the anguish that rips through me.

"Dad, I need to be alone right now if you don't mind." I stand up not waiting for him to answer, heading for the door. I side step past Billy.

"Jacob, where are you going?" He grabs my arm to stop me. "I don't know, I just….need to get away from here," I pull my arm out of his grip as I storm out of the room and out the front door.

I run fast towards the tree line and barely make it past the forest trees when my body explodes, freeing the wolf within. The wolf brings me freedom, power and dominance.

I don't want to feel the raw human emotions anymore.  
I run hard and fast; my paws dig into the leaves and soft soil of the earth with each stride, not looking back to the place that causes my heartache, the place that is supposed to be _home_.

* * *

B.P.O.V.

"Do you know why you're here Bella?"

"Of course," I reply to the woman that sits crossed legged in front of me with a notepad in her lap.

"Tell me what the specific reason is that you are here."

I tap my fingers against the armrest of the large comfortable armchair I sit in. I contemplate my answer for a moment. "Because I'm a drug addict," I state the obvious.

She peers directly into my eyes. "Yes, that's a start."

I nod in agreement.

"What caused you to start using?"

How can I answer this without divulging into the mythical world I know about? "The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with abruptly left me."

"So it was a break-up with a fiancée?" she inquires.

"Not exactly," Dr. Lehman pushes her glasses up on the bridge of her nose as her pen scribbles squiggly lines on the notepad she holds. It is making me anxious as the stupid pen bobs up and down.

"What was his name? This….boyfriend….that you said abruptly left?"

Why the fuck is she asking me about him? Isn't this supposed to be rehab for my drug addiction? "I don't want to talk about that. That's not the purpose of me being here," I snap.

She nods. "I understand if you do not want to discuss that but this is part of your treatment. The whole purpose of being in psychotherapy is to help you delve into your cognitive being and learn about your condition and your moods, feelings, thoughts and behaviors, how to take control of your life and respond to challenging situations with healthy coping skills. It also helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking, cognitive behavioral therapy allows you to view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way. It's all part of the healing process."

I fidget with my hands as I take in all the information she just threw at me. "I know it's a healing process but I don't want to discuss that right now. Maybe at another session," I shrug.

"Alright, that's perfectly fine. I'm not going to force you to discuss something you are not ready or comfortable sharing," she says calmly. The doctor continues to write in that fucking notepad, what the hell is she writing anyway?

"What are you writing?" The words spill out of my mouth before my brain can react to stop them.

"Hmm? Oh….just my notes. I do this with all my patients to get to know them better," She smiles almost too disgustingly content.

My eyes squint in doubt at her.

"So is there anything you want to specifically discuss then? I'll let you lead the conversation."

I sigh rolling my eyes. This is going to be a long two fucking months. I shrug as my index finger traces the pattern of the fabric on the armchair.

"Do you think you need help?" she questions.

I glance up to look her in the eyes. What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I need help, that's why I am fucking here. "Well that's why I'm here aren't I? Obviously I do need help," I say annoyed.

She nods her head as she continues to write her notes.

I huff. "Look, it's only been a week since I've been here. I'm still getting used to it and my cravings are beginning to be unbearable. And the notion of being locked away here for two months almost drives me crazy."

"Have you been taking your medication that I prescribed for you?"

"Yes. I guess it's gradually helping but…okay well I don't feel any different. It's hard to keep up with all the pills I have to swallow each night," I say bouncing my leg in an involuntary movement.

"There are only three pills you should be taking, one is for your anxiety and cravings which is the Propranolol; the second is an anti-depressant, Desipramine and the third is to help ease some of the dissociative symptoms of cocaine withdrawal, Haloperidol. Does this information help you?"

"Yes. It does. Thank you."

"The medications should start taking effect within two weeks of you starting them."

"Great," I mutter flatly.

"How have you been sleeping?" she asks.

"Insomnia has been beating the shit out of me," I remark.

"That is one of the withdrawal symptoms of cocaine. I can prescribe you a higher dosage of the Haloperidol to help you sleep."

Again, the writing continues as the pen dances across the paper.

"No."

"No?" Her eyebrows rise in confusion.

"No," I state again.

"Is there a reason why you wouldn't want to be able to sleep better at night?"

What can I say to answer her question without sounding like a complete psychopath? Well, it won't make a difference anyways; seeing as I'm in this place for probably that reason alone and the drug detox is probably part of the packaged deal.

"I have these…vivid dreams. I- um….I don't know if they're hallucinations that my mind just conjures up or what but I don't like it," I stare at the numerous frames that hold diplomas and certifications behind her that hang on the wall.

"Can you tell me more about these dreams?"

"Well….um, it's like….I'm really there, experiencing the event happening; like it's happened to me before. I just don't know what the hell is going on."

"Bella, was cocaine your only drug of choice?"

Here I am telling her about the shit she wants to hear and she comes out of left field with that question? I open my mouth to answer, "No. I used ecstasy and acid as much as I used cocaine."

"Bella, have you heard of dissociative amnesia?" Her brows furrow as she questions me.  
"Um…no? I guess not," I shrug. Where is she going with this? "Well, what's your point?"

"In other words, dissociative amnesia is also referred to as repressed memory. My point is Bella, when an addict uses cocaine or any type of hallucinogenic drug, sometimes it is more for the user to oppress traumatic events that happened in their life," she informs me.

My eyes almost bug out of my head at her statement.

"Bella, what do you think about what I just said?"

My palms start to get sweaty as my anxiety level rises. I breathe in and out heavily, almost hyperventilating.

"Bella? Are you alright?" Dr. Lehman asks concerned.

I shake my head. I can't breathe. "I-I….can't…." I gasp frantically. "Breathe!"

She stands up to stand beside me and puts a hand on my back, "Bella, just calm down. Relax, slowly inhale and exhale. Don't tense up," she orders.

I obey her directions, closing my eyes; I slowly inhale and exhale deeply.

What the fuck is that?

I open my eyes to see her standing above me. "I'm…I-I'm sorry. I don't know what just happened to me there," I shake my head.

She walks back to her nice leather chair. "It seems you were having a mild panic attack, which tends to happen as your anxiety levels rise from the detoxification of the cocaine."

Holy shit, I don't want to experience that again. "Is there any medication you can give me for that?"

"Bella, you're already on a minimal dosage for your anxiety."

"Oh, well then doc I don't think it's working very well," I respond sarcastically.

"I told you it will take about two weeks to fully feel the medication working."

"Right," I nod.

"Do you feel alright now?"

I sigh. "Yes, I guess as alright as I can be."

"Can you tell me what triggered the panic attack?"

Isn't she the doctor? How the hell am I supposed to know? "I don't know," I say shrugging for the millionth time today.

"Do you think it was because of what I said about the vivid dreams you've been having?"

"I. Don't. Know. I guess…," I am frustrated now. "Are you saying they're memories of my past that I've blocked from my psyche?"

"Yes. That is exactly what I'm saying. Are there specific events you've purposefully blocked out from your past?"

I do not want to go there. I don't want to open the Pandora's Box of painful memories I may or may not be aware of.

I cross my arms over my chest. "I guess, I mean…there a lot of traumatic events I've gone through," I snort. "Let's see, for starters; I was kicked to the curb by the one person I thought to be the love of my entire existence. Then, I became the walking undead because of that person. After that, I ditched my best friend of thirteen years because I was a pansy who couldn't deal with her emotions and ran away, breaking his heart in between all that.

Oh and let's not forget me meeting and staying with that son-of-a-bitch asshole of an ex-boyfriend, Brian; on top of all that you can throw on all the drugs I messed myself up with. So yeah, I guess you can write that down on your notepad regarding the 'traumatic' events I've experienced," I give her a smart-ass reply but I am to a point now that I don't give a flying fuck.

"Look, is the session over already? I think I've done enough talking for today. I want to go back to my room," I say in irritation.

"Of course Bella, the session is over when you say it is."

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me; I'll be on my way." I stand up and walk towards the door.  
"Bella?" Dr. Lehman calls my name.

I stop in my tracks and turn slightly to face her, "Hmm?"

"Same time tomorrow right?"

I purse my lips and sigh. "Yeah, see you tomorrow," I say waving her off.

I open the door and step outside of the stuffy office and walk down the hallway to my room.

I admit it isn't too bad being here. The staff is nice and caring. The other patients are sort of crazy nut jobs but it isn't anything I can't handle. It's the same routine every day here; wake up, have breakfast, go to group therapy, have lunch, they give us free time to do a leisurely activity on the premises, then go to one-on-one therapy sessions with Dr. Lehman, do more leisurely crap; take meds then dinner and lastly sleep.

Well the latter part is for those who actually want to experience sleep.

I finally arrive at my room. I open the door to find my….roommate? I guess you can call her that; sitting on her bed reading.

"Hey Bella, how was therapy today?" Johanna greets.

"Eh…it could be worse but I guess it went alright. Did I make progress? Who knows," I chuckle.

My roommate had been addicted to heroin and has been in this place longer than I would be. She seems nice enough to me for only the week I've gotten to know her.

"Well, I'm sure you made great progress. It takes time to break down those walls," she smiles.

"Yeah I guess," I make my way to my bed, un-tucking my copy of Wuthering Heights from under my pillow. It is so distant in the past the last time I read this book. I settle in a sitting position on my small twin size bed, fluffing the pillow to comfortably sit back on it against the wall. I open the book to the page I dog-eared earlier in the day. I read a couple of chapters for about an hour.

The way I interpret the relationship between Catherine and Heathcliff is like…Monomaniacs. It is essentially a disease of the sensibility. It reposes altogether upon the affections, and its study is inseparable from knowledge of the passions. Its seat is in the heart of man, and it is there that we must search for it, in order to possess ourselves of all its peculiarities.

How many are the cases of Monomania caused by thwarted love, by fear, vanity, wounded self-love, or disappointed ambition? It's obsession. Then for Heathcliff to see Catherine's ghost years later which he basically seems to go insane after that.

How fucked up and ironic of me to be reading this. I am surely neurotic.

I close my eyes just for a few seconds. The insomnia has been keeping me company almost every night since I've been here. I am restless, irritated and anxious.

All these emotions running through me are draining; then having to take the medication to ease the withdrawals, the anxiety and the depression is _over-stimulating_ on some days. I feel like I am in a mental facility rather than being in rehab for drug addiction.

To be honest, how the hell do I know exactly what this place is; Charlie and Renée made all the arrangements for me to be admitted here. I don't even know the name of this facility.

Sleep is getting the better part of me. I try fighting it while my eyes open and close every time my head bobs up and down.

The deep slumber that awaits me finally comes for my unconsciousness. The book falls to the side and onto the floor as I turn around lying on my side and snuggle into my pillow.

_I open my eyes to see nothing but darkness; pitch black surrounds me. A pressure begins on my chest making it difficult to breathe. I lift my arms to get up but they do not move. My whole body feels the sensation of paralysis. I cannot move._

_The sudden heaviness that starts on my chest turns into a warm body hovering above me. I try to move again but I am still paralyzed._

_My arms are pinned down and out to my sides; my heart begins to thud loudly and erratically against my chest, I feel the pounding in my ears. I still cannot see anything; nothingness and darkness stare back at me._

_My mouth opens to scream for help but it is futile, I have no voice._

_Hands slowly begin to descend skimming my face, neck and tracing the lines of my collar bone; making their way down to fondle my breasts and continue their descent down my abdomen, over my navel; finally reaching between my legs, they smooth over my inner thighs, back and forth._

_My chest rises up and down with my labored breathing; terror overcomes me for I do not know the shadow that hovers above me. I close my eyes trying to shake my head to dispel this nightmare but I am still immobilized. I open my eyes but this time I see the face of the being that is touching me, the one person I escaped and hate….Brian._

_His face is malevolent, like pure evil incarnate. I try to push him away but my whole body is useless to me. I frantically try to kick and scream but nothing happens, I still cannot move anything and no voice escapes from my lungs._

_His hands caress over my inner and outer thighs, reveling in the sensation of my bare flesh. I realize that I am naked. I try to fight once more to break free of the invisible shackles that hold me prisoner against the bed but the stillness of dread encompasses me._

_"You're going to give me what I fucking want, whether you like it or not," his deep voice whispers into the darkness, echoing off the walls. I continue to attempt to scream and plead 'no' but my voice is still nowhere to be found._

_He brings his hands to forcefully part my legs open, I have no control whatsoever. My legs lay lifeless, unmoving, and dead. My hot tears roll down the sides of my temple._

_This is all a dream; an illusion. I am not here the voice says in my head. No one is around to save me._

_"Now be a good little bitch and take it," his dark voice spat._

_He lowers his body between my thighs and thrust himself unyielding into me; my insides burn with intense agony and pain, almost like it is set on fire. My being rips apart by the unforgiving forceful motions inflicted on me._

_I cannot scream as much as I want to. I cannot get away as much as I try._

_Paralyzed is my being as I allow him to violate my body brutally as I lay there motionless without a voice to cry out for help. The silent screams come in the form of my tears as they roll down my face. He releases the pure paroxysm of rage with his severe unsympathetic movements in me._

_All I hear is grunts and groans exude from him. I have been looking straight at him, I know it is Brian._

_Suddenly, the figure hovering above me is not him at all anymore, not even human._

_The being grows large massive twisted horns from its head, it has enormous wings like an angel but these wings are not with feathers but with scales of a reptile. Its eyes are glowing blood red and its now pale skin is hard as marble and cold, deathly cold. The putrid smell emanating from its body makes my stomach ferment with unadulterated nausea._

_Shock, panic and terror vanquish me all at once. I continue to scream, shriek and wail for help but my voice is still crippled in my throat and my body still incapacitated._

_Its elongated forefinger is next to my face. It claws a deep laceration starting at my ear down to the corner of my mouth; the warm, oozing, bloody liquid drips down my cheek._

_The demon does not stop its defilement on my body._

_It lowers its head to the crook of my neck, wrapping its icy lips around my frail skin. I feel a sharp piercing sensation penetrate deep into my veins. The heat is ignited and it blazes throughout my entire body, mixing and flowing freely with my own blood coursing through my veins. The searing and scorching pain incinerates me._

_I gasp for oxygen but inhale nothing._

_The demon is killing me and I cannot do anything to stop it. I close my eyes because I do not want to bear witness to the annihilation of my soul._

* * *

_A bright light appears before my closed eyes. The warmness envelopes me, I feel the bright rays of the sun dance across my face; they are visible even behind my closed lids._

_I am too frightened to open my eyes. Dew drops adhere to my lashes as they fall from the sky. I slowly open my eyes and glance at my surroundings. I am standing barefoot in the middle of a beautiful meadow filled with perfect abundant waves of white as snow wild flowers. The flowers stand tall up to my waist._

_I have no recollection of how I came to be here._

_I peer down at myself. I wear a delicate pure white summer dress that flows freely with the gust of wind. I notice the fascinating bump that swells from my body. I bring my hands to touch and cradle my belly; luxuriating in the beautiful roundness of life growing within me._

_I stroll through the lushness of nature, I notice a wreath of greenery and berries crown my head. I continue walking on the new path, my new journey into motherhood. I am delightful, anticipation flows through me for what lies ahead. I glow with my own energy and am bathed with the golden sunlight. I run my hands along Mother Earth, brushing the white wild flowers with my fingertips._

_I stop. Something is wrong._

_The dark menacing clouds surround us and the sunlight fades quickly. Rain begins to drizzle from the sky. The flowers wilt and turn a devastating black. The beautiful meadow now lay barren with dry, cracked, hard soil like a land suffering from a drought._

_Everything is bleak._

_Perturbation sets in as I do not know what is happening. I turn to my right to see in the distance something buried in the ground. My feet begin to walk on their own accord to the place my mind is screaming at me to run the other way from._

_I stand in front of the rock protruding from the Earth. I look at it with uncertainty. Why is this here?_

_The fear courses through my veins as the rock exists no more but now is a headstone to a grave. The first name engraved on the stone is one that I do not recognize. My eyes shift to the right and when I see the last name my breath escapes my lungs, I am asphyxiated._

_Death stands before me, prominent and taunting. It takes possession of what is supposed to be mine._

_Warmness glides slowly down between my legs. I peer down at the beautiful white dress I wear that is damp and clinging to my body; it is now streaked with thick dark crimson. I scream but the outbreak of my voice is not found again. The sobs erupt silently from me once more._

_Acute, sharp pangs of unbearable pain execute through my abdomen and I collapse to my knees. The unwanted death of hope still exists._

_Life dies inside of me._

My piercing screams finally echo loudly, shattering the fantasy world I was in and awake me into reality.

"No! No! NO!" I screech.

"Get away, get away!" My screaming is hysterical. I'm sobbing wildly, writhing in my bed; screaming at them to leave me alone.

My body spasms as the shrill shrieks of my voice fill the room. I convulse on my bed as the copious heavy tears are released and flow down my face. I whimper in agony and my body feels the intense physical suffering of the dreams I just experienced, so vivid and real.

I hear voices around me.

"She just woke up hysterical, screaming, she keeps saying for them to leave her alone! I don't know what happened, one minute she's reading on her bed and the next she wakes up screaming bloody murder!"

It's Johanna's voice.

"Move out of the way Johanna, the nurse is coming in to sedate her," Dr. Lehman's voice says.

Two orderlies grab my flailing arms as I continue to kick and scream. "Hold her down, we need to give her the sedative," the doctor orders.

"No! Get away, please!" I scream out. "It's not real! It's not real!" I shake my head screaming it over and over. "Why?" I shriek.

The needle is injected into my arm. The medication progresses through my body and I feel dazed, like I'm in an alternate universe.

My eyelids begin to close once again as the darkness of the eclipse masks my vision.


	4. A Place Where You Belong

**Rated:** NC-17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**Chapter Three – A Place Where You Belong  
**

_"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain."_

_~ Saint Bartholomew_

* * *

Distant voices surround me. I have my eyes closed and for some reason it is difficult to come out of the state of unconsciousness. I can feel my eyes flicker back and forth under my lids but they are heavy with sleep.

The voices sound so far away, I can faintly make out what they are saying.

"Do you think it was a psychotic episode she experienced?" It is a man's voice.

"Not necessarily Mr. Swan, I believe Bella suffers from dissociative amnesia which is also referred to as repressed memory," a woman's voice answers.

"What does that mean?" Another woman's voice asks gently.

"Mrs. Dwyer, the information you shared with me in Bella's files are very traumatic events that she has had to endure. I'm not surprised this is what she may be experiencing. What this means is Bella has blocked out those specific events in her life and has no recollection of them and because she is now going through detoxification of all the drugs that helped her repress those memories they may be coming to fruition in her dreams. With that said, I also believe Bella has dreams of the events she has shut out of her psyche –"

"I can understand if that is indeed what is going on," the other woman says solemnly.

"Patients I have treated with this disorder gradually do get the memories back but it is a great ordeal to go through because they are painful occurrences that happened in their life which is the whole reason they stonewall them. Now, I do not know whether Bella is actually seeing the events being played out in her dreams or if it may be interpreted to her in other ways in the dream but what I can say is that at times, they can come off as hallucinations."

"Well, is there anything we can do to make her better?"

"Mr. Swan, it is a process and there is no magic pill for it. I have placed Bella on medication to ease the hallucinations as it is also a symptom of withdrawal but she has not been on the medication long enough for it to have a profound effect on her yet. Bella also has to allow herself to be helped. She slowly is making progress in our therapy sessions but I think she has dealt with so much in her life and so she does not know where to begin with the healing process."

My eyes slowly start to flutter open. The brightness of the room is too much; it makes it difficult to open my eyes fully. I blink heavily trying to get my vision into focus. I stir around lightly on the mattress but I realize I am restrained with something on my ankles and wrists.

"Mmm," I am only able to mumble out.

"Bella?" The man's voice asks. My voice is still silent; why can I not speak? Why am I restrained to the bed? My eyes are still closed; I am unsuccessful in getting my vision focused. My head is in a fog. I can't remember anything.

"Maybe we should let her sleep for now," the now familiar woman's voice says.

"It is alright, she will probably wake up groggy from the sedative we gave her last night. She will most likely be out for the first few hours." It is my doctor's voice I now recognize too.

"Renée and I will return as soon as she wakes up. We are staying at the Peninsula Hotel up the street and we both have our cell phones, so please let us know the moment she is awake and alert." It is my father's voice. Renée is here? Why is she all the way over here in Washington?

The drowsiness has become too overwhelming to overcome. I can't hold onto the semi-consciousness state I have been in.

"I certainly will. You guys should get some rest. It has been a long night. Bella will most likely sleep the whole day, maybe into tomorrow morning as I said; we had to give a higher dosage of the sedative." The door closed after I heard footsteps shuffle out of the room.

Sleep is all too inviting at the moment and I welcome it with open arms.

* * *

I awake gasping for air and my eyes open in haste as they move around aimlessly taking in my surroundings. I am in a room with white walls; it looks like my room but I'm not certain that it is. My mind is still in obscurity; I can't remember anything from the last night. I lay silent but wide awake for a few minutes until I hear the door open.

"Oh good, you're awake. Let me go get Dr. Lehman," the nurse says.

I can barely lift my head off the pillow to take a glance at her.

"Bella?" I shift my eyes down to peek at my doctor who is standing at the foot of my bed but I don't answer her.

"How are you feeling? Any better?"

My throat is parched and my lips are dry.

"Bella, can you hear me?" Dr. Lehman asks.

I barely nod. I try lifting my arms but they are still strapped to the bed.

"Bella, do you have any recollection of what transpired the other night?"

I shake my head no. I struggle to grasp what she is asking me. Why am I strapped down like a psychotic person to the bed? I attempt to remember the last few days. Slowly the mental images flicker through my mind of going to Jacksonville and seeing Renée and Charlie, then coming back to Washington and being admitted into rehab. I try to recollect the last few days I have been in here.

Momentarily, snippets of horrible images flash through my mind.

What is that? I'm confused. They seem like a fantasyland, a dream but the vision in my head is so real and scary. The fear of seeing those ghastly images makes my skin prickle and the hair on my arms stand up. It is all alarming to me.

I try swallowing the lump that forms in my throat. An unintentional tear rolls out of the corner of my eye and rolls down the side of my face. I blink a few times to clear it away.

I glance back up at Dr. Lehman, "Can I get up?" My voice is hoarse and raspy.

"Will you be okay?"

I nod silently to signal my understanding.

"Alright, let me get the nurse, I will be right back," she says before the doctor exits the room.

I stare vacantly at the ceiling trying to comprehend and piece together the terrible images that linger in my mind. But was it not all a dream? Why does it feel so real, like a part of my life?

"Okay Bella, the nurse is going to un-strap your wrists and ankles. I am sorry you had to wake up like this but it was necessary."

I nod again while the nurse works away on the buckles. One by one my wrists and ankles are free. If only life were this easy to unshackle yourself from your own captivity.

I rub my wrists to ease the soreness on them.

"You may be lightheaded when you stand up, so just take it easy."

I slowly move to sit up. "Would you like to get something to eat first or take a shower?" the doctor asks.

"What day is it?"

"Oh, it is Friday."

"What? How can that be?" I ask perplexed.

"Bella, you were out for about a day and a half. That usually happens when you are under a high dosage of sedative."

I rub the back of my head still dazed that I have been knocked out for so long. "I think I want to shower first. That will help me feel much better."

"No problem. Come on, I'll help you to your room."

"What? I thought I was in my room?"

"No Bella, this is one of the medical rooms."

"Oh." I stand to my feet and we walk back towards my room; everything just feels so bizarre.

"Bella, take a shower and relax for a moment. Your parents are in the city and they want to see you. I am going to give them a call to let them know you are awake and fine."

"Both my parents are here?"

"Yes."

I stare blankly at the doctor. A nurse walks in holding a small metal tray.

"Thank you," Dr. Lehman states as she grabs the little cups resting on it.

"Bella, you must take your medication now. I'm going to leave it here on the nightstand; here is a cup of water as well. I trust you will be able to take them on your own, right?"

I nod yes.

"Alright, well I will leave you to it then. Once you are done, please come into my office."

"Okay."

* * *

I stare at my reflection in the mirror as I comb my damp hair. What I saw in my mind is still haunting my thoughts. I still couldn't comprehend how it all seems so factual, like I was actually there reliving the events.

I inhale and exhale deeply to calm myself.

It was just a dream Bella; you are going to be locked away for good if you keep this shit up.

I put my brush down on the dresser and walk out to head towards Dr. Lehman's office. Opening the office door once I reach it, I see Renée and Charlie sitting in the office waiting.

"Hi honey," Renée turns around to stand up, walking to where I am standing and embraces me into a tight hug.

"Hi mom, what are you doing all the way over here?"

"I came to see you after your father called me."

"Oh. Well, you didn't have to drop everything just to come see me," I shrug.

"Nonsense Bella; Charlie did exactly what I told him to do. It is not a problem in the slightest," she smiles.

I nod and lean in close to whisper into my mother's ear, "Um…n-no one has come looking for me at your place have t-they?" I figure she knows exactly who I'm talking about.  
She leans back to look me in the face, "No sweetie, he hasn't come knocking on my door, thank God."

I smile in relief.  
"Have a seat Bella," Dr. Lehman suggests.  
I walk over to sit in the empty chair in front of her desk in-between Charlie and Renée. Renée takes her seat next to mine again.

"What is this, an intervention?" I lightly snicker. No one else laughs which makes the moment awkward.

"Bells, your mother and I were very scared and concerned for you the other night," Charlie reveals.

I stare expressionless at the nice wooden desk in front of me.

"Look, we just want to make sure you are okay…emotionally. I know there are a lot of things you have to deal with and we understand but we want you to be open to helping yourself. Otherwise, there is no sense in you being here for the next two months if you are not willing to be helped. We love you and don't want to see you lose yourself again. We know just by you being here is huge progress already; we do realize that. But you are only hurting yourself if you don't open up about everything." Charlie's eyes shine with so much compassion.

I heave a sigh. "I-I don't know exactly what happened to me the other night. I-I'm…sorry that I scared you guys. I-I just can't control my subconscious dreams. I wish with all my heart I could tell you what it all was about but even I don't truly know. I-I…I'm going to try to be more open with Dr. Lehman. Just…p-please understand this is really difficult for me as it is for you too."

Renée speaks up, "Honey, we just want you to get better; physically and emotionally."

I slowly nod my understanding.

"Mom, dad…what is this place called? I only ask because I awoke with my ankles and wrists bound to my bed in some cold, white medical room."

Charlie and Renée look at each other; their expressions seem to debate whether they should tell me the truth.

"Bells, your mother and I chose this place because one; it is the best rehabilitation facility on the West Coast and in the state of Washington, two; we thought you would get the best appropriate treatment here."

Charlie avoids the question I asked him.

"Okay, that's fine and all but what is the name of the facility? I mean, I would at least like to know the name of the place I will be living in for the next two months. I think that is only fair and it's not asking for too much," I shrug, my hands fidget nervously with my shirt.

Charlie glances at Renée as she nods her permission to go ahead and tell me.

"Bells, now don't think anything of it, okay? Just remember we have you here because we love you and want you to get better."

"Alright dad, I get it!" I exclaim agitated, gripping the arms of the chair in an intense hold.

He sighs. "It's called The Peninsula Mental Health and Rehabilitation Center."

I stare at both my parents and my doctor dumbfounded without saying a word, only blinking to let them know I'm still alive and alert.

"Do you guys really think I'm crazy?" I whisper.

"Oh Bella sweetie, no, that is not at all what we think. We just know with everything that has happened you would be able to get the best treatment here." Renée rubs my shoulder lovingly.

"I see," I state looking down at the ugly brown carpet.

"Bella, I spoke to your parents about our therapy sessions and we think it is best if we proceed with hypno therapy techniques to make an attempt to decipher your dreams or anything else you have suppressed from your psyche that you may not be aware of." Dr. Lehman states.

I didn't know how to feel about the methodology the doctor wanted to impose. Those were only things you hear about in movies. All of this was just getting too uncanny, even for me. But what did I have to lose? The only part of my life I couldn't seem to remember were certain periods between the eighteen months I moved from Jacksonville to Miami. I could openly discuss my relationship with **him** and Jacob to my doctor; well, only the human aspect on my part of course. I figured it wouldn't hurt to try.

"Okay," I reply.

"So you are okay with trying this method Bella?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah, I mean…I will try. I don't really believe in that stuff working but I will give it a shot."

"Oh Bella, we are so glad you have been open to all of this," Renée says cheerfully.

"Sure, yeah; what else do I have to lose?" I answer sorrowfully. I figure I have lost all my insanity the other night or at least whatever I had left.

"Alright Bella, we will start when you think the appropriate time arises in our therapy sessions," Dr. Lehman declares.

"Okay."

My parents left a few hours later after spending some time with me. I still am afraid to sleep but Dr. Lehman upped some of my medication which knocks me out completely during the remaining nights. I'm lucky not to have anymore horrific dreams.

The next couple of days pass without incident. I went to my therapy sessions and started from the beginning of my life. I discussed my childhood, my parents' divorce and all the feelings that came with going through that. It was a loss I was able to get over because I at least still had both my parents in my life, which I was truly grateful for.

I am opening up more with Dr. Lehman as our session's progress. I know soon it will be time to discuss **him**; it is the next part of my life along with Jacob. But am I ready?

I guess there is only one way to find out and that is actually speaking about that part of my life for the first time in many months to anyone.

* * *

I sit in the courtyard area as I bask in the perfect rare sunny day. It is nice and warm outside so I take the opportunity to get some sunlight for my pale complexion. I'm getting to a much healthier appearance now that I'm sober for the three weeks I have been here. I have actually gained a little bit of weight which I don't mind; being almost deathly rail thin isn't attractive at all.

I stare into the tall beautiful green forest trees with all the lively birds flying across the sky and watch the squirrels and other small animals scurry across the grass to get to their destination.

It is such a beautiful thing to appreciate life for what it is. I never indulged in the natural surroundings when I was doing drugs but now that my eyes are open, it is like experiencing a whole new world.

I'm brought out of my reverie by a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to face Johanna.

"Hey, what's up?" I smile at her with one eye squinted closed due to the bright sun glaring from her direction.

"Oh not much, the receptionist asked me to grab you. It seems you have some visitors," she says too excitedly.

I frown, "Who is it?"

She laughs, "Why the glum face Bella? Wouldn't you like to have visitors? I know I sure would."

"Yeah I guess, why do you seem so happy? Whatever, look, I just need to know who is here to see me, I'm not expecting anyone; usually my parents call before they come or Dr. Lehman lets me know when they are coming," I state with the frown still apparent on my face.

I start to get into panic mode. It would be one thing if Johanna said I have _a visitor_, not visitors; plural. Who the hell would come see me? Let alone several someone's?

My mind starts reeling with crazy notions, can it be Brian? Maybe he found me and wants to finally either make amends or fucking kill me for all I know, I have to get the fuck out of here if it is really him that came all the way from Florida. But Renée would have told me if he came looking for me at her place, wouldn't she? I just asked her the other day and she confirmed he hasn't been trying to sniff me out.

Okay, calm down Bella, you are just getting manic thoughts now. It can be anyone, I mean; I am in Port Angeles, not far from Forks so it can be anyone I know from the past.

I finally just decided to do the smart thing and wait for Johanna's response to my question.

"Johanna, who is it? Did they tell you or did the receptionist say who they were? I mean, I can't just see fucking anyone. For all they know it might be my drug dealer I called up to sneak in to see me!"

Johanna doubles over and laughs in hysterics now. "Bella, you are so paranoid. I don't think these guys are drug dealers unless your dad has given up chief of police and took another career route to make major bucks now."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Smart ass, why didn't you just say it was my dad?"

She laughs so hard she has to wipe a few tears from her eyes, "Well you didn't give me a chance to respond when you asked me, duh!"

I rise from my chair and bump her shoulder playfully, "You are lucky I like you. Otherwise, I'd kick your ass for scaring the shit out of me," I chuckle.

"Bella, you never told me you had any brothers. God damn they are some fine piece of specimens. I can't believe you have been holding out on me! They look nothing like you, are you guys like step brothers and sister or whatever the hell they call it?"

My brows furrow at her in confusion, "What? I have no brothers. And I don't know whether I should take what you just said as a compliment or an insult," I shake my head.

"Well, I overheard your dad say he was here with your brother and step mom."

My eyes bug out of my head, "What the fuck are you talking about now? I have no step mom, let alone a brother," now I'm just getting angry. What the hell is she talking about? Charlie never mentioned that he ever got remarried or even was seeing someone! I guess I haven't been in the best state for someone to be telling me those things either but it would have come up in the last month I have been seeing my dad.

"Well…whatever, all I have to say is fuck, if you can hook me up with one of them I'd be enslaved to you forever," she giggles.

I purse my lips, "One, again I will say, I don't have any fucking brothers or a step mom, two; if I did, I wouldn't have them touch you with a ten foot pole, you fucking nut job," I laugh.

"Fuck you," we both laugh hysterically.

"Wait, you said there were two guys with my dad? What did they look like?"

"Oh well they look dreamy," she says while staring off into space.

"Okay I get that part already, what do they physically look like?" I am beginning to worry now. The only 'brothers' I have in Forks that know Charlie are the wolves. Can it be that Jake is with him? My heart starts to thud erratically in my chest, my palms begin to get sweaty; I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

"They both are really tall, like I've never seen any man that tall, let alone two guys! Their beautiful skin color is like a…"

"Russet color?" I interject.

"Yes! They have the blackest most gorgeous hair that is cropped short. And oh my lord, their beautiful bodies are heaven, I could eat off of them!" She gushes.

Holy. Shit. This can't be happening. My mind is going into extreme panic mode now. I'm not prepared for this. I can't face Jacob right now. I still have a lot of fixing to do with myself. What the hell will I say to him?

"Oh god, I can't go in there Jo," I say as I lean over to hold on to the table.

"What? Why not? They are waiting for you. We've been out here long enough that someone will come looking for you as it will look like apparently I lost my train of thought in coming to get you," she laughs.

"Seriously, I can't go in there. Tell them I'm….I'm sick or something and I had to go lay down," I say in distress.

She crosses her arms over her chest, "Bella, you are seriously going more insane every day you are here. Isn't supposed to work the other way? Look, I'm going back in there to tell them you are having some crazy melt down."

Johanna begins walking back inside. I grab her arm to stop her, "No! Alright, look…I'll go, j-just…go in with me, p-please," I plead to her. She gives me kindhearted smile.

"What are you so afraid of?" she asks gently.

"I-I…it may be someone I'm not ready to see in there. Someone from my past, and…if you are with me…h-hopefully things won't blow up in my face," I answer on the verge of tears.

"You are serious about this aren't you?"

I nod vehemently.

"Alright, I will be your scapegoat if things don't go according to plan."

I blow out a puff of air, "Thank you! You have no idea how much I appreciate you right now," I wrap my arms around her neck to squeeze her into a hug.

She chuckles patting my arm, "Okay, okay."

I cling onto Johanna for my dear life, preparing to face the one person I would never have thought to so soon.

We both walk into the lobby area as I come face-to-face with my dad and…Seth? I rub my eyes to make sure they aren't fooling me. They look somehow so much older now that it is hard to recognize them; standing next to Seth is…Quil? And…Sue.

"Hey Bells! I hope you don't mind but I brought some of the gang along with me from the Rez. Well, Sue wanted to come see you too," Charlie beams enthusiastically.

"Oh um…yeah sure, it's cool," I try to sound nonchalant, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Bella!" Seth picks me up in a strong bear hug as he squeezes the life out of me.

"Hey," I laugh nervously.

"God it's been so long since I've seen you! We all have missed you fiercely," Seth whispers against my ear.

"Yeah me too, me too," I say as he set me back down on my feet.

"Hey," I wave shyly at Quil.

"Aww, come on, don't I get a big hug too? It's just me Quil, I won't bite Bella," he pouts his lips like a little kid and laughs.

I shake my head smiling as I embrace him into a tight hug. They are both so warm; I have forgotten the feeling of being near a werewolf.

Quil reminds me more of Jacob though. They both are almost the same stature; Jacob is about an inch or two taller from what I can recall but their body is built practically the same.

I release Quil from the hold we have each other in, "It is so good to see you and Seth. You guys look so much older somehow, if that's even possible."

"Yeah, we have been taking our vitamins and all," he winks as he leans in to whisper the last part. "Also living it up in the life of a werewolf as you know," I laugh.

"Oh, I'm sorry, forgive my rudeness; I'm not so used to having so many visitors at once. It's usually just Renée and Charlie; this is my roommate Johanna," They all greet her. I turn to whisper to her to let her know her services are no longer needed. She nods as she walks off in the other direction.

I turn back to my group of visitors and smile widely, "Let's go sit out in the courtyard," I point in the direction I speak about with my thumb.

I lead the way for us to sit outside in the nice weather. We all sit around one of the tables as Charlie places a brown square box to rest on it.

"I brought you a care package, I don't know if you needed one or not but it has some books Sue picked out for you that she thought you might enjoy and I put some journals in there along with pens and pencils just in case you want to start keeping a journal. There's also some girly stuff that Sue included, don't ask me about all that. That's her department."

I giggle. "Thanks you guys. You didn't have to do this," I stand up to give Sue a hug.

"It is no problem Bella, I'm glad we are able to come see you. It's been so long and we all have missed you dearly," she says.

"Well thanks again. This is some surprise though dad, bringing almost everyone here to see me," I am getting nervous with Sue, Seth and Quil here. I don't want them to see the state I am in. I mean, I'm a hell of a lot better than the first week I came here but still, it's awkward.

"Listen Bells, I know I caught you by surprise but I thought it would be a good idea for you to see some of your old friends. Sue was more than happy to come along with me, we planned it a few days ago and Seth overheard us talking about it and he jumped at the chance to come and see you too. Seth thought it would be a good idea to bring one of the guys and Quil happily volunteered to come along with us," Charlie says gleefully.

"Oh, well that's nice of you guys. Really, it is. I appreciate it. It's nice seeing people I recognize." I smile.

"Bella, I wouldn't have missed this for the world! I have been dying to come see you ever since I knew you were back in Washington," Seth says ecstatically.

"That's…great. Um…listen you guys; can I have a few minutes with my dad alone? I don't want to be rude or anything but I just really need to talk to him, would that be okay?"

"Sure," all three state in unison.

Charlie and I stand up to walk a few feet away, "What's up Bells?"

"Dad, I appreciate the notion and everything but…I didn't want anyone to see me in here like this. And what is this that I'm hearing you told the receptionist you were here with my stepmom and brother?"

"Bells now look; I planned on telling you about all of this but the right opportunity never came up. I didn't want to keep anything from you so what a perfect way to bring it up by all of us coming to see you? And yes, Sue and I married last year in a small ceremony; she's living in Forks with me. And that does make Seth and Leah your step-siblings."

I'm fuming now. How the fuck can this happen? Okay so it is plausible since I was M.I.A. for almost two fucking years but for Charlie not to let me know he remarried or for even Renée not to tell me either? Holy fuck, I'm barely getting out all of my emotional shit in therapy and now this has to be thrown on top of everything?

"To tell you the truth, I'm not happy about this dad. Not one bit. I would have appreciated it if you would have at least let something slip about it in the weeks I have been back, 'oh by the way Bella, you may have an evil step-sister when you get back', and that would have at least prepared me!" I'm losing my calm, pacing back and forth now.

I love Sue and Seth, they are both kind and affectionate towards me even back then before I left Forks but Leah? She is the devil incarnate. I can't imagine myself being related to her, even as step-siblings. She hated me from the beginning and probably even more so after I left.

"Now Bella, I think you are overreacting. Just calm down, I know this is a lot of information to take in. But as I said, I didn't want to keep anything from you and they wanted to come see you because they love you too."

He is giving me those eyes. Those sad puppy dog eyes, I can't stay mad at my old man. After everything he has done for me. I'm just being immature. Charlie is old enough to marry whoever the hell he wants, he deserves to be happy.

I sigh. "You're right. I'm sorry," I shake my head in shame.

"Don't worry about it Bells," he held me in a hug.

"But I'm not sharing my room when I get back," I mumble against him.

Charlie chuckles. "I don't think that'll be a problem, Seth and Leah still live on the Rez in the house Harry left them. Your room is and has always been yours."

I look up at him and one side of my lips quirk up into a smile. Sometimes I feel like a little girl all over again when I'm in my dad's arms.

"Come on let's get back, everyone is waiting." I nod.

We walk back to the table and sit down.

"So Seth, tell me what you guys have been up to? School, work? What all have I missed?"

"Well…I'm currently attending the community college here in Port Angeles, I'm majoring in Psychology, it's my second year," he states animatedly.

"Oh that should be fun, I can tell you from experience…you'll have a lot of fun dissecting the brains of crazy people like me," I laughs.

They all chuckle nervously, like they aren't sure whether it's okay to laugh.

"It's alright to laugh guys, no big deal. We all know why I'm here!" I say sarcastically.

"Anyway, go on…" I wave to Seth.

"Yeah well…um….Leah is also attending her third year of college along with….," He stops himself before he utters the name I know he is about to say.

"Ah yeah, I get it." I say raising my eyebrows.

"What about you Quil?" I turn to face him now.

"After high school I took about a year off just doing the whole party scene, hanging out with friends and stuff. Then I got off my ass and decided to go into real estate. I figure the big money is there so I went back to school to study for my real estate license, took the state exam and bam, you're looking at the best certified real estate agent in La Push baby!"

I laugh, "No kidding, really? Wow, that's amazing. So now I know who to go with when I buy my first house," I smile warmly at him.

"Yeah, it's been great, the tribal council has been supportive of it and I can't complain about the money, chicks dig a man that can run his own business too so that's another point for me."

"That's good to know," I nod.

"Listen Bells, Sue and I have to run, she needs to go grocery shopping and you know Seth and Leah, eating us out of the house all the time when they come over."

"Sure dad, no problem. It was nice of you to come visit me," we both stand to give each other our good-bye hugs.

I hug Sue good-bye as well. "Thank you, for everything…for taking care of my dad when I wasn't around," I whisper. She leans back and smiles acknowledging my gratefulness.

I'm about to give Seth a hug good-bye when he stops me, "Hey we're not leaving you yet. We came in separate cars, we wanted to hang out with you a while longer if that's okay?" He says almost dejectedly rubbing the back of his neck.

"Of course it is, I'm not that interesting of a person but you guys are more than welcome to hang out with me until my therapy session," I smile at both of the guys.

"Cool!" Seth exclaims.

We all say our good-byes to Charlie and Sue as we stay outside in the courtyard area.

"So…"

"So…" Seth mimicks.

"Bella, if you want to ask about him…it's alright. We'll answer anything you want to know," he says rubbing his hands on his pants in an anxious gesture.

I figure Seth will bring it up but I never think he'd be so forward. I glance at him and Quil before speaking, "Well…I guess the most important question I have is…how he is doing?" I bite my bottom lip nervously.

"He's okay," Quil answers.

"He'll be alright, I mean, he was upset when you initially left and then when you came back….it's just a lot for him to handle you know? I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, I just want you to know where he stands so you won't be wondering why he hasn't come to see you," Seth informs me.

I nod. "I figured that much. I'm sorry you guys for everything, for leaving so abruptly. I was just so messed up and have been for the past year and half. There's just so much you guys don't know and so much I don't want you to know." I feel the tears pooling in my eyes.

"Bella, we don't hate you and we certainly don't judge you for your past. And I certainly am not the type of person to hate someone or hold a grudge. What's in the past is the past, you live and learn and you move forward," Quil says sincerely.

I smile gratefully at him. "I don't deserve you guys, you know that? You shouldn't be this good to me."

"Don't be ridiculous Bella, I'm practically your brother and siblings need to be there for each other no matter what," Seth says.

"Thanks you guys, again for everything. I mean it. Being here alone has taken its toll on me and I'm so glad to see familiar faces and talk to people I know and trust," I look at both of them.

"It's no big deal, we love you. And we wanted to come see you," Quil states.

"I'm guessing no one else 'volunteered' to come visit me?" My eyebrow rises expectantly.

"Well…alright so _we're_ not mad at you and _we_ did want to see you, Quil just happened to be at my house the day Sue and Charlie were discussing the possibility of coming to visit you and we both jumped at the chance. We did ask the pack but…well you know how that went. Oh man and Jake kind of went ballistic on us for wanting to come see you – ouch!"

Quil hit Seth hard on the shoulder; I grimace at the thought of the pain. I guess he's divulging too much information on the emotional state Jake is in.

"Bella, don't listen to Seth, the point is; we're both here because we want to be, It may take some time for the others but eventually they'll come around," he winks.

Who knew it'd be so easy to talk to Quil? I wasn't close to him before and he is Jake's second cousin after all. Will it be awkward if I can find a new friend in him? At least just someone I can talk to while being here if he is willing to visit me now along with Seth. Seth is always the best little brother anyone can ask for and I'm thankful now I can really call him that.

"Yeah what he said," Seth remarks rubbing his shoulder, clearly annoyed at Quil now.

Quil and I both laugh.

"So…any lucky ladies in your lives at the moment?" I inquire to lighten the conversation.

"Nah, I'm too busy with school and the whole pack stuff, I'm only nineteen so I figure I have plenty of time ahead of me to worry about that later. Quil here on the other hand, he has a new girl on his arm almost every weekend," Seth chortles.

"Dude! Don't make me look like some douche bag," he turns to look at me. "What can I say though, the ladies just can't resist this sexy wolf," he shrugs.

We all laugh in unison.

"Quil doesn't want to give up his womanizing ways just yet," Seth jokes.

"I'm not a womanizer, I don't go looking for them; they come to me. There's a difference," Quil retorts.

I shake my head as I laugh. "Well it's a good thing you're never lonely, I guess."

"What about you Bella? Any lucky guy that gets to call you his that we should know about?" Seth asks wagging his eyebrows up and down.

I cringe at his question. "Um…no, no one special for me; I'm all by my lonesome self," I shrug.

I didn't want to open the can of worms; I didn't expect them to ask a question like that. I didn't want to get into any conversation regarding Brian with them. I didn't even want to remember Brian at all.

There is an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Quil breaks the thin ice.

"So how are you really doing Bella?"

I glance up at him; his eyes show so much sincerity. I find it very comforting that he actually cares to know how I'm doing.

"I'm doing as well as I can be I guess. I mean, things have been hard but they are gradually getting better as I continue my therapy sessions," I smile at him.

"We are really glad you are back even if you think we don't," he smiles his _own_ beautiful smile. I never have thought anyone can have a smile as beautiful as Jacob's but apparently I'm wrong. Their smiles are both beautiful in their own unique way.

I feel the blush sneak up on my cheeks.

What the hell? What is wrong with me? This was Quil I'm talking about. There's nothing to blush about there. I don't even know him!

"As much fun as I'm having with both of you guys, I really have to get going; my therapy session starts in about twenty minutes," I say pointing at the clock that is visible from where we are sitting.

"Oh yeah, no problem; sorry we took up so much of your time," Seth says sheepishly.

"Seth," I state exasperated. "You are not imposing on anything, you guys have no idea how good it feels to be around you two and I don't think I have laughed this much in ages. I am really, really, really happy to see you guys," I say appreciatively.

"Well good. I'm glad I came too. It was good seeing you," Quil says as he stands up to give me a hug. I hold onto him tight inhaling the sweet scent of sandalwood and cinnamon that emanates off of him. It is so different from Jacob yet in some ways comforting because it reminds me of him.

We both reluctantly let go of each other as we gaze into each other's eyes. He smiles empathetically at me before giving me what I now think of as his signature wink.

The stupid blush creeps up my cheeks again. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm shaken out of my thoughts as Seth squeezes me into another big bear hug. "Thanks for coming to see me. It really means a lot," I say softly.

He set me down, "We want to come see you more often if that's okay with you?" His eyes twinkle with so much brotherly affection.

"Of course, around this same time would work with my whole daily schedule if that's alright with you guys?" I say looking at both of them waiting for an answer.

"It works for me," Quil states. "I run on my own time, those are the perks of running your own business."

"Great! What about you Seth?" I beam brightly at him.

"Yes, that actually works for me too." He smiles.

"Perfect! We'll I'll be seeing you two around then," I walk them out to the lobby area as we all say our final good-byes.

I just have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that wants me to assure that Jake knows I'm truly sorry for everything. I jog to reach Quil before he steps outside of the sliding doors. I grab his arm gently to stop him.

He turns around and peers down at me as his brows furrow with a puzzled look painted on his face.

"Quil…I just want to ask you…if, I-I, god this is so hard…j-just please make sure he knows that I'm really truly s-sorry and that I-…um…just that I m-miss him. I-I only ask you because I-I know you're closer to him, p-please? I won't ask you for anything else in regards to him, I p-promise," I stutter nervously.

Quil's expression softens and he smiles, "Don't worry Bella; I'll make sure he knows."

I sigh in relief, "Thank you Quil, really….you're too kind."

"Bella, it was really nice seeing you," he looks down at the floor like he seems…bashful? "I'll be seeing you around okay?" We both look each other in the eyes again.

I nod as he rubs my shoulder affectionately. He turns to walk back out of the building.

I stand there for a moment and wave him off, feeling one hundred times better than I have in the last year.

It's good seeing Seth and Quil, I know it isn't Jacob but it's still a part of him as they are his pack brothers. I also know that when they phase, Jacob will probably see this whole visit play out in their minds.

I walk back to the courtyard to pick up the box that Charlie and Sue dropped off to me. I notice there is a small antiquated pocket watch that rests on the table. It's placed where Quil had been sitting.

I grab it and place it in my palm as I gaze at the exquisite piece of heirloom. It's gold plated with an intricate design engraved on it. I turn it over and there's something engraved on the back too. I can't read it because it's in Quileute but I figure this must mean a lot to Quil.

I gently slip it in my pocket. He must have just forgotten it; I'd give it to him the next time he would come to visit.

I retreat back to my room to prepare for my therapy session for today. I know the subject of discussing **him** would be coming sooner rather than later and I'm…okay with that. But now with Seth and Quil's visit, I feel stronger to be able to openly discuss the subject of Jacob too.

* * *

**J.P.O.V.**

_I sit at the edge of the cliff as I inhale the fresh breeze of the salty ocean below me. I have tried not thinking of her for the last three weeks/_

_I know Seth and Quil will be visiting her today. I had become furious when they mentioned it last week. It isn't like I own them; they are free to do whatever they want. If they want to go visit her then they have all the right to do so._

_I want to see her so bad but I still can't bring myself to face her. Maybe Seth and Quil will just tell me how she is doing. If she is doing okay, then I'll be content with knowing that; even if that means she is doing well without me._

_'Hey dude, we thought we'd find you here,' Seth's voice echoes in my head._

_I turn to see Seth and Quil running up behind me._

_'Yeah you found me,' I say sarcastically. 'What do you guys want? I want to be left alone.'_

_'Look man, we know you're still upset at us for going to see Bella, but I think you should reconsider you position on seeing her,' Quil's voice resonates in my mind._

_'And why would I want to do that? She didn't want me in the first place. There's no point in crying over spilled milk now.'_

_'She needs us man, she needs you.' Quil's voice states._

_'If she really needed me she wouldn't have rejected me and left in the first place. I think I know where she stands. I don't need to be reminded of it and have those old wounds opened again to have the salt rubbed into them.'_

_'Bella was really wrong for what she did. She realizes that now and she's really sorry. We can show you,' Seth says._

_Quil and Seth's thoughts project into my mind as the visions from their earlier visit with Bella consume me at full force._

_I see her big beautiful chocolate brown doe eyes I love so much, her milky complexion hasn't changed at all. Her smile is there faintly, it isn't the smile I grew to love, and the light in her eyes has dimmed a great deal. I see the whole scene play out before me like a movie._

_I growl in frustration, 'I don't fucking want to see it! Get the fuck out of my head, NOW!' I raise my paws over my head repeatedly to shake off the visions._

_'I'm just going to say this once, Bella needs us; Seth and I will be going to see her whether you agree with it or not Jake. She seemed a lot better towards the end of our visit. She needs you more than anything right now and if you don't man up and forgive her, you're going to lose her forever.' Quil's voice says solemnly._

_'What the fuck is it to you what I do? And why all of a sudden do you care so god damn much about her? You don't even fucking know her!'_

_'We all know her as much as you do Jake; we have the famous mind-to-mind connection remember asshole? We feel what you feel. All your pain, we felt; maybe not as much as you did but as a pack, we all felt it. When you felt the love for her, we also felt that too. I care about Bella just as much as you do Jake. I'm only looking out for you and her. Your dad was right; she isn't the same person that walked out a year and a half ago. She's had to grow up and learn the hard way Jake, but if you want to be a prick and ignore her and stay angry at the whole world, then so be it but you're only hurting yourself even more. Bella loves you and if she didn't she wouldn't have asked about you.' Quil ends with that as he trots away and phases back into human form, leaving Seth and I alone with our thoughts._

_What can I say to that? It's true. My pack brothers and sister do feel everything I feel, in the good times and the very bad._

_'Jake, I know it's none of my business what you do or don't do but Quil has a point. You should have seen her face light up when she was with us. I'm not going to force you to do anything here. It's up to you whether you want to see her or not. I only hope you don't wait until it's too late.' Seth whines as he backs away and runs into the dark forest._

_I'm left alone with my conscious now._

_What do they mean before it's too late? Argh! It's just too much too soon._

_Quil and Seth may have a point but I still have so much to work through, everything that I want from her, all the emotions I feel and gave to her were never reciprocated. How does someone heal and come back from that?_

_For now, she is better off without me. If I'm alone I can't hate, if I'm able to change, I hope I would never know right now. I thought I wouldn't able to face a life without her light; without her there is so much darkness in me._

_Sometimes I wish I didn't love her so much or that I would care for her, that way I'd be able to hurt her in the end without feeling like an asshole but that's impossible. I just didn't want to listen to her excuses, she ran away; it was all the same fucking thing I'd go through like the day she left me. If she still really cared for me I didn't want to know._

_The hurt from the love I have for her at least makes it feel like I still have a semblance of humanity left in me and it makes me know she is real._

_We both need time to heal before we see each other again. I know I'm not ready and if I'm not ready, I sure as hell am positive she isn't either._


	5. Fractured Creatures

**Rated:** NC-17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

_**Author's Note: Yay! It's a short A/N this time! Thanks to the hubs as usual, without him this story would probably not exist. He's the greatest Beta to ever exist! :) You also have him to thank for convincing me to keep posting here at FFn even though it's a pain for me to post. So I hope you continue to read and reiview! Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter Four – Fractured Creatures**

_"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."_

_~ Author Unknown_

* * *

_"Bella, I want to introduce you to my brother, Edward. I think you have seen him around school right?" the thin petite girl with pixie-like features remarks._

_Alice is the most beautiful creature I have ever set my eyes on. Her hair is cropped short and spiky with an inky black color to it. She has large eyes which make her topaz colored iris' stand out even more with long, delicate eyebrows outlining them. Alice moves with such gracefulness, almost like dancing; she would break any ballerina's heart._

_"Bella?" Alice's tender musical voice chimes bringing me out of my thoughts._

_"Hmm? Oh, yeah I've seen him around. I've never really met him before though," I say shrugging my shoulders._

_"Well, he's wanted to meet you. I know you were unnerved in the beginning of our friendship by learning what my family is. I understand that Bella but I just have this pull towards you, an attraction of sorts; not in a weird way but just a strong sense to protect you. You're like family to us whether you don't see it that way. My family loves you already," she smiles brightly._

_"Alice, I already told you; you're my best friend. Nothing will change that and I don't care what your family is. You're the gentlest creatures I've ever met." I tell her genuinely._

_Alice and I had bumped into each other the first week of our junior year in High School. What I didn't know then was the fact that her family is a coven of vampires. Did that disturb me? Of course in the beginning it was unnerving._

_The fact that these mere creatures actually exist is beyond belief. But we clicked instantly as friends; best friends. It was a sort of strange connection; a bond we share that I have not felt with any of my other friends growing up._

_The mere fact that she is a bloodsucking immortal would have any human being running for their life or trying to find a stake to finish her off but for me, it isn't like that; not at all. Alice just felt so much like my family, like a sister. It was strange indeed the pull we had towards one another which we both aren't able to explain but I'm happy she's in my life. I'm happy all the Cullen's are in my life now._

_I have met her so called 'parents', Carlisle and Esme; they are wonderful towards me and always treat me as one of their own. I am distant acquaintances with her 'adopted sister' Rosalie; it doesn't seem as she has taken a liking to me much but it really doesn't matter to me. Emmett is the loud, burly, playful one, also Rosalie's mate. He's like a huge teddy bear, he was a softy on the inside but Emmett was anything but that on the outside. He also protects me like his little sister. Jasper is the quite one, always seems to be lost in his own thoughts; whether it's because he's the recent 'vegetarian' of the family; I'm not sure. All I know is that he loves Alice dearly and she loves him. They are mates for life; eternity._

_I long to share a bond like that with someone, someone to reciprocate the same intense feelings Alice and Jasper share. It is so nice to see two beings; whether mortal or immortal, so in love with one another that they get lost in each other's gazes, the world is oblivious to them._

_Do I think I will ever fall so madly in love with someone at such a young age of seventeen? No. That is far from my mind. You only see that exist in movies and well, of course now that I see it firsthand, vampires._

_The only family member of the Olympic Coven I haven't met is Edward. He and Alice are close; they share almost a real brother and sister bond. It's strange he's been the only one I haven't met or really spoken too. He is always locked away in his room when I go over to Alice's house; he always seems to avoid me at school too. I thought it odd at first but then thought nothing of it; I figure it's just his nature since he keeps to himself at school as well._

_"Bell-a, you're doing it again; lost in la-la land," her laugh has the most beautiful tinkling sound._

_"Oh sorry Alice, I'd love to meet your brother. I think it's about time. I've met every single one of your family members already," I state._

_"Great! He's waiting for us now at our house. I finally convinced him to at least say hi to you and get to know you a little bit," she rings excitedly._

_"Alice, you're forcing him to meet me? If that's the case then I don't think I want to meet him," I chuckle._

_"Bella, I didn't mean it that way. Edward is just always brooding around; depressed really and stubborn. I think it'd be good for him to meet someone new. He doesn't take a liking to anyone at school but he doesn't seem to mind you being around us," she muses._

_"Oh. Well okay whatever," I shrug._

_We leave school and drive to Alice's pristine modern mansion. Once we arrive, true to her word; Edward is waiting for us in the living room._

_To say Alice is the most beautiful creature I have seen is putting it lightly._

_My eyes come upon the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Edward can be compared to the mythical Greek god, Adonis; his facial features are just so perfect and angular – high cheekbones, a strong jaw line, a straight nose and full lips. His hair, oh my god; his hair a flawless tousled mess with an unusual bronze shade that is the most magnificent one can differentiate from any other person. His eyes are not like the topaz color Alice or the other vampires have but his are like a warm liquid gold that instantly pull you in. Edward is tall, standing at 6'2'' with a slender but muscular build. He has the body of a perfect seventeen-year-old; perfectly frozen in time._

_I feel the attraction instantly; whether it is only one-sided, I don't know nor did I care. This definitely isn't the sisterly attraction I share with Alice; this is so different, this is an attraction between two lovers, so right._

_His beauty, scent and body penetrate my five senses all at once if that's even possible._

_"Bella, this is Edward; my brother," I faintly hear Alice in what sounds like background noise._

_Edward walks towards us, closing the distance between him and I. I can't take my eyes off of him and neither he off me._

_"Um…hello, you guys…I'm still in the room you know," Alice's chiming laugh echoes throughout the house._

_We both keep our gazes locked with each other, blatantly ignoring Alice._

_Edward breaks the silence between us first, "Hello Bella, it's a pleasure to meet you. I apologize that I haven't approached you sooner. If you thought it was because of something you did, I'm sorry; it wasn't my intention to make you feel that way. I just wasn't ready to meet you," He says in the softest velvety voice as his lips rise into a dazzling crooked smile._

_Edward's sweet, icy cool breath comes in contact blissfully upon my face. His scent is intoxicatingly breathtaking; it can only be described as sensual honey, lilac and sun that I can't get enough of._

_My mind is spinning into an almost hazy stupor. I can't take my eyes off this strikingly beautiful man._

_I stutter incoherently, "I-I…um, it's…I mean, uh…n-nice to m-meet you Ed-Edward, d-don't worry a-about it," I am certain I sound like a fool to him. He gives me his dazzling crooked smile again which almost makes me melt into a pile of goo on the spot._

_"Okay, well…I guess you guys are getting along pretty well so I'll just leave you to it then," Alice giggles._

_Edward and I nod in synch as she prances upstairs, leaving the two of us alone._

"So it is apparent that Edward's sister, Alice, introduced you two?" Dr. Lehman transports me back to the present time with her words.

"Um…yeah, Alice and I were best friends. We became fast friends in the beginning of our junior year as I said." I fail to mention the whole vampire world that surrounds the Cullen's.

After going through a few group therapy sessions I'm able to utter their names with only a slight pang in my chest. It's bearable, surprisingly. So it's easy for me to finally speak aloud about all of them in my one-on-one sessions.

"Do you think you would have ever met Edward if it was not for Alice?"

"I-I…well, I honestly don't know," I shrug as I lay on the tan microfiber chaise lounge. "Maybe our paths would have crossed somehow. I just knew we were meant to be and so did Edward, well, at least at the time he did."

"Well why do you think he did not approach you initially himself?" she inquires.

"He was just….I don't know, I guess…maybe intimidated by me? How should I know, I couldn't read his mind," I snort. If only she knew the abilities he possesses that are spot on in regards to my last comment.

In all honesty, from what I learned later in my relationship with Edward is that he had an instant craving for my blood when he first came across me at school which was why he stayed away for so long, I guess it was so he wouldn't kill me; whatever bullshit he said about me being his singer seemed romantic at the time, what the fuck was I thinking? Why in the hell did I want to be in love with someone that only had an intense bloodlust for me? Alice knew his feelings for me and she tried playing cupid by introducing us which now looking back, is the biggest mistake she could have made….the biggest mistake I made.

"Did you try to create chemistry and the attraction between the two of you?"

I furrow my brows in confusion at the question, "Like, do you mean if it was all one-sided?" I ask.

"Yes, do you know for certain if he felt the same way you did," she states.

"Well I-I…I knew he liked me, otherwise we wouldn't have started a relationship. Trust me, when I say Edward is not your typical guy that asks any girl out; he hadn't had a girlfriend for a long, long time."

"Do you think that's why he ended your relationship so abruptly, since he had not been in a relationship for a while; the unhealthy one he seemed to have developed with you, perhaps he felt insecure?"

God, she is asking questions I don't know the answers to or can't answer straight forward. This will be more difficult than I have imagined.

I knew he felt insecure when Jacob started coming around more, I mean; Jake and I had been best friends since we were kids growing up together but when he phased, everything changed between us.

"I had a best friend growing up, this best friend of mine was a guy and we became close as we grew older. I never saw him for anything more than just my best friend but after he reached that age where a guy…changes…things seemed to be different between us. Edward knew about my friendship with this guy and at first he didn't seem to care until he realized I developed feelings for this other person, without me knowing this myself might I add. I think that's where all the insecurities came in. I never pursued a relationship with the other person because I was so madly in love with Edward, even though I did feel something more than just friends for the other guy, it wasn't enough for me to leave Edward." It is so relieving to let these feelings out. All of these emotions have been bottled in me for the past two years.

"Did you reassure your partner of all this, that you would not leave him?"

"Oh yes, many times. I-I…god this is embarrassing to speak about…."

"Bella, it is alright to let everything out. After so long of keeping these things inside, once you let them all out it is significantly better for the person to continue to heal. As you can see, initially you were not able to discuss Edward or even speak his name. Now look at you, I am very proud of the progress you have made," Dr. Lehman smiles genuinely.

I sigh. "Well, I-I tried giving myself to Edward….like, intimately; you know what I mean?" I cringe at the thought of having to utter those words. I sound so desperate to have to done such a thing to keep someone.

"You mean sexually?" Dr. Lehman asks bluntly.

"Um…yeah, Edward and I….never, well you know. We never got passed probably second base or whatever base that is not past kissing. That's all we ever did. I tried to give myself to him fully but he was such a 'gentleman' he never wanted to 'take advantage' as he would say. His condition was marriage in order for us to do anything and at the time I was willing to just give everything and everyone up for him. We never got engaged officially, it was just an agreement him and I discussed in our private conversations."

_I lay in my bed snuggling next to Edward, even though his body is hard as marble and icy cold, it is so comfortable for me. His scent always sends me into a state of bewilderment that I can't think straight but I won't give it up for the world. I won't give him up for anything._

_"So your condition is marriage right?" I whisper to him as he smoothes his hand over my long hair._

_He softly laughs, "Bella, it would be an honor if you agreed to be Mrs. Cullen but I'm not only asking you to marry me to be intimate with you. I love you so much, more than my existence on this earth. I will do anything for you, love."_

_I raise myself up slightly so that we are face-to-face now, "Edward, I want to be with you forever; for eternity. I want you to change me. If you want me to marry you then I want for you to change me yourself. Please…that's the only thing I ask of you," I plead._

_He sighs, "Bella love, you don't know what you're asking for. I'm willing to try what you initially asked after we marry. I won't damn your soul for eternity though. I'll be content for whatever years I have you for if you will allow me."_

_My hands rise and grip onto the lapels of his jacket. "I don't want to stay human though; I don't want to grow old while you and your family stay perfectly frozen in time. I wouldn't be able to live every day knowing that one day I'll die and we won't be together anymore; that thought alone, being without you, is impossible to imagine because I can't survive without you Edward," I try to make him see how important this is, how important he is to me._

_"Love, as much as it pains me to think about those things; I don't agree with turning you. You deserve to live a normal human life. I won't take that away from you. What if one day you decide this is not the life you want or you decide that you do want children after all? I can't take away your choices. I won't be responsible for that."_

_I huff in frustration, "We already discussed this, and I won't be missing anything in this pathetic human life I live. And as far as children, I don't want any kids; if you do, we can always try to adopt, that's always an option. Please, just try to understand my point," I plead again._

_He gives me his dazzling crooked smile I love so much, "How about we take it one step at a time? You agree to be my wife and in return I'll honor your first request and we will try. Then we will take it from there? Does that sound agreeable?"_

_I think about his proposal for a moment. Edward will do anything for me, which I am certain of from our relationship within the last couple of months. I believe I can live with what he offers to me for the moment._

_I wrap my arms around his neck as I press my lips against his hard freezing cold ones. His hands make their way to my waist as he grips me tight in his cold unbreakable hands. I glide my tongue against his bottom lip; he takes the hint as to what I'm asking for. His hands cup my face as he opens his mouth; his cool breath is invigorating sending shivers down my spine. My tongue makes contact with his; Edward tastes of sweet lilac and honey which always gives me a sense of exhilaration every time we kiss._

_He pulls away quickly and chuckles softly, leaving me panting and my heart beating out of synch from its normal rhythm._

_"Bella, if only you knew what you do to me," he says shaking his head._

_"So I take that as a yes to my question?" he asks amused, placing a reverent kiss on my forehead._

_I close my eyes as his frigid lips meet my skin. "Yes. Yes, yes, yes! I would love to be your wife, Edward," I whisper._

"So you did agree to marry Edward?" Dr. Lehman's voice dissipates the flashback I am having. This is all too bizarre, I am able to discuss openly the parts I only want to divulge to the doctor but yet I am able to reminisce in my mind about the certain situations Edward and I discussed in detail.

"Yes but like I said, we never made an announcement or anything, just something him and I agreed to. I was willing to compromise my life for him."

"Bella, do you think this relationship you developed with Edward was maybe due to the lack of parental attention since you did not receive since your parents divorced when you were so young? The way I see this Edward fellow after everything we have discussed in our sessions is he seemed to take on the fatherly role in your life, almost seeming to dictate what you could or could not do. Did it seem that way to you?"

"I-I…well I never saw it that way. I guess so, now that I see it from a different perspective, yes I guess you could say so."

"Do you think that is healthy in a relationship?"

"Of course not, I know where you're going with this; you're going to ask me why did I see it fit at the time to be with him, right? Well, I don't know the answer to that. All I can say is that I fell madly in love with him and was willing to give up everything to be with him no matter what the cost," I state honestly.

"Bella, what I was going to say is that for some women, they look for that attention from a certain type of man because they lacked that attention from their father. I understand you state your father was the best dad he could be but he was not always around because of work, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay well, it is not uncommon for a woman to seek that attention in a lover. I have seen it come through my office many times with patients, although it is mostly with a man that does not treat the woman right. It sounds as this Edward tried treating you respectfully to the best of his ability, the way any woman should be treated but underneath that perfect exterior existed the controlling and manipulative man that knew you would do anything he asked."

What? My instinct is to defend and protect Edward with my all. How can she say something like that about him? He is anything but kind and loving towards me…at least when he wanted to be.

Who was I kidding? She's right. He did try to control my every decision, especially when it came to Jacob.

"I never saw it that way but I guess…you're right," I say with shame while looking at the beige ceiling.

"Bella, from our conversations; this man was put on a pedestal by you. He made you feel wanted which is understandable. You never had that in your life or at least you never realized it until he came into the picture and swept you off your feet. You had a veil over your eyes that did not allow you to see the outside world. The only thing you _wanted_ to see was Edward. This caused an unhealthily relationship between the two of you, an obsession you can almost say.

His sweetness and adoration were intoxicating feelings for awhile. But love is not enough to make a relationship work. To last over the long term, people have to respect each other and be able to count on each other as equals. This relationship was becoming way, way off balance with you moving forward into adult life and responsibilities and your boyfriend retreating from it by setting up conditions."

I guess when one examines our relationship from even the human perspective it is fucked up; now imagine if she knew about the whole vampire thing. This is beginning to be too complicated even for me and I was the one _in_ the relationship.

"Everything that you are saying makes perfect sense now but while I was in the relationship and at the moment, I didn't see it that way. I just thought that is how normal relationships worked. He was my first real boyfriend," I respond.

My vision becomes blurry as the pool of tears form in my eyes, "I never meant for things to get so messed up after he left me. It was something I couldn't control for some reason. He was everything to me and I couldn't face the reality of him leaving me. Everything we shared just meant nothing when he walked away. I just couldn't comprehend how he was able to do that to me. It affected me immensely where I lost myself and didn't know who I was anymore without him," I sniffle.

"God, I just still feel so lost here too."

"Bella, you know the thing about lost? You can be lost anywhere," Dr. Lehman remarks.

She has a point. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, I'll feel so lost anywhere I may find myself.

"You're right," I state nodding my head. "Being with Edward was like a fantasy; he did seem like the perfect man to me and was like my other half."

"The fantasy is beautiful and shallow, the actual relationship is a whole different thing," she says.

Damn, can she say any harsher words to me already than what I have been hearing for the past hour?

I nod my understanding.

"If you are ready to discuss this, what happened the day he left you?"

This is going to be the hardest part. This will just open the old wounds, the scars are nearly healed from the loss of Edward but with remembering all this, it isn't going to help those scars fade.

I blow out a breath. "It was the day after my eighteenth birthday. The previous day his family had thrown a party for me, which I clearly opposed but Alice did it anyways. His brother sort of…attacked me physically. Edward and his brother Emmett along with their father had to restrain him. He is…mentally unstable so I didn't blame Jasper for his violent outburst." This is the only way to be able to cover the truth of what happened. I can't outright tell Dr. Lehman that Jasper wanted to suck my blood and kill me.

"Oh my, did you tell your father what happened?"

"No, of course not; as I said it wasn't Jasper's fault, he is mentally unstable and he had just forgotten to take his medication that day. Edward's father is a doctor so he was able to…calm Jasper and stuff, you know."

"I see." The doctor responds as she writes her notes in her black note book.

_I arrive at home and park my truck in the driveway. I step out and see Edward approaching the vehicle. I am so eager to see him, even if we're apart for a few hours, minutes sometimes; it is unbearable to be away from him._

_"Hey," I say cheerfully._

_"Bella, may we speak for a moment? It won't take too long," he asks in a serious tone._

_"Sure, of course. Do you want to come inside?"_

_"How about we take a walk in the woods?"_

_I am surprised he doesn't want to come in, he never refuses to come inside my house, and I begin to get nervous._

_"Oh. Sure yeah okay."_

_I close the door to my truck and follow him to the tree line; we make our way into the dark gloomy forest. The forest always has a way to play with your emotions. It can be a beautiful lush of greenness that lifts your spirits one day and a menacing, dark, shadowy nightmare the next._

_Today seems like one of the latter as we walk through the forest._

_Edward is too quiet, quieter than usual. The feeling of dread makes its way into my heart._

_"Edward, what's wrong? You're scaring me. Talk to me please."_

_We stop as he speaks up, "Bella, my family and I will be leaving. We can't stay here any longer. It's getting too dangerous."_

_"Okay well, that's...let me at least tell Charlie I'll be leaving. He'll have to understand, I'm eighteen already and can do what I please without his permission."_

_"No Bella, you don't understand. I mean just myself and my family."_

_"What? Edward…w-why? What are y-you talking about? I have to go with you guys, I can't be apart from you, I love you." I am beginning to panic. Why is he doing this?_

_"Bella…please, don't make this more difficult than it is already."_

_"NO! You must tell me why it is I can't go with you, we had plans. We are supposed to get married, that's what we both agreed on!" The tears stream steadily down my face._

_"You're not good for me, Bella," he states austerely._

_It feel my heart shatter into a millions pieces hearing those words. "I-I don't understand…but-but…you don't mean that Edward! You love me! I love you, you…you can't leave me," I beg._

_"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."_

_I breathe in and out hard. I can't comprehend the words he is speaking to me._

_"Edward…I won't survive without you…please, I need you. You c-can't just leave me! I'm begging you, please don't go! If this is about my soul, just take it – take me! If it is about my blood that you can't withstand any longer, then I don't care! Just take me, drink from me. It doesn't matter if you do or don't stop. I just need to be with you! Please…," I cry._

_"We-we…have plans. We love each other! What about all those things you said to me? Did they not mean anything to you at all? I have given you everything that I am. You can't just throw it back at me! Everything we have gone through, everything we've shared, it has to mean something! What happened to your proclamation of undying love for me; all the promises of forever?"_

_"Bella, it doesn't matter anymore. I can't be with you, please understand. I have put your life at risk for too long. I should have never played with your emotions for this length of time. This was all a mistake, meeting you was a mistake."_

_I clutch my chest as the unbearable pain surges through me. His words pierce my lungs, asphyxiating me; my limbs go numb. The beautiful colors that he brings into my life fade away in this moment. My heart bleeds out in anguish and he just stands there, cruelly watching as if he's taking pleasure in my suffering._

_"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

_I can't open my mouth to speak. I have no words to describe the raw searing pain burning a hole through my chest._

_And just like that, he disappears into the night leaving me completely shattered and destroyed._

I open my eyes dispelling the distant memory. "Anyways, the next day Edward appeared and he broke up with me. He and his family moved away to Alaska or Italy….somewhere far where I wouldn't be able to find them," I bring my fingers to my eyes to wipe the tears away.

"Does that still make you angry? Him leaving the way he did?"

I sniffle. "Not as much as I had been the last couple of months. In the beginning it was more sadness I felt. Why was I not good enough for him? What did I do wrong to drive him away? Those questions constantly came to my mind. I thought maybe, in his eyes, I was just a worthless human being. I just couldn't handle the loss of him. It drove me into this deep dark place that spiraled out of control and I couldn't pull myself back. As much as I tried and wanted to, it seemed impossible to live life without him. I know it sounds pathetic that I was this emotionally attached to someone who probably didn't feel the same but he was everything to me," I say regretfully.

"Bella, we all make mistakes. That is part of being human. What we do with those mistakes is what matters; do we learn from them and move on? Or do we stay stagnant in them and wallow in self-pity over something that we cannot change anymore? What you have done is a mistake you have learned from and are moving on. That is why you are here. That is the most important part in all this. You are growing into the woman you are supposed to be from these experiences, however painful they are; it is what will make the strong person you are becoming because you are not running away any longer from this."

That is certainly not expected to be said by Dr. Lehman. "I-um…well, thanks I guess," I half-smile.

"I think I'm ready to close that chapter in my life, being here in this place for the past five weeks has certainly helped. I know now that it wasn't my fault that he left. It was his choice and I was just hurt really badly by his decision because I allowed myself to be hurt. I know that I'm worth something and I don't need to be with a man or have a man want me to feel like that," I state truthfully.

I have come a long way from two years ago, there is no possibility I could've made it through this if it were not for Dr. Lehman. She has helped me greatly and I am thankful to her for that. I am thankful to my parents for not giving up on me as well.

"If that is how you feel and if you are ready then I am proud of you for being brave and facing all these emotions head on and for being an open book. You have only yourself to thank Bella; you are the one that overcame these obstacles that have stood in your way to becoming the person you really are deep down inside. You have chipped away the decay that has been embedded in your heart that Edward caused by his actions and words to you. You are worth something to a lot of people that love you; otherwise they would not have been so eager to help you. Remember that if you ever feel down again because of him," she smiles earnestly.

I nod and shift around on the chaise lounge. I know this is a start to a new beginning for me; at least I have closed the Edward chapter in my life, hopefully for good. Slowly, my cracked and withered heart will start to heal and the void will no longer exist.

The tears I have shed today in this room will be the last for Edward Cullen.

The next hindrance to my healing is facing the inevitable, the one person who I may have fractured as much as I had been by Edward.

Jacob.

* * *

**J.P.O.V.**

I walk over to the small fridge taking out a beer, popping the can open and downing the entire bitter liquid contents in one swallow. I crush the can all too easily in my grip and throw it across the garage.

I made my way to the dusty old bench seat and plop down on it, I try to put out of my mind the last few weeks that have occurred. One beer is not enough to get me into a drunken stupor, hell; an entire twenty-four pack didn't even get me buzzed. The hard liquor hardly did anything either; I'm fucked either way. The fucking curse of the wolf burns it all off too quickly.

I sigh leaning my head back onto the seat. Why couldn't I get her face out of my mind? It's been this way since that day when I saw her through Quil and Seth's thoughts.

God, I want to see her, touch her, and smell her scent so badly. I know I'm being a prick by avoiding her but I just couldn't bring myself to forgive her just yet. I don't know what it is, I mean; I still love her with all my heart, that feeling never faded away but here she is in the same state only an hour away from me and I couldn't cope with confronting her.

I'm still bitter at the fact she chose the leech over me. Even when she left, it still meant she chose the fucking filthy bloodsucker over me.

I'm able to offer her more than he ever could. Sure, the fucker probably is able to give her anything materialistic she asks for but what he doesn't have is the warmth of love; the _feeling_ that comes with love, a beating heart to illustrate the love that is within a person. Bella wouldn't have to ever change for me; I love her the way she is. She wouldn't have to give herself up or compromise who she is just to be with me. I love everything about her.

This is the most painful part of it all, the hurt is that no matter how much I try or how much in love with her I am; she didn't want it at all, she didn't want me.

The months after the leech left her broken were the most excruciating months in my life. She wouldn't speak or see anyone. I would try to convince Charlie to allow me to see her, I thought she would have at least wanted to see me but she refused when he would ask her.

I would try so hard to bring her back to life from the unsealing wounds that had been inflicted on her but it was fruitless because she pushed me away every single time. The times I did get to see or speak to her it was mostly a one-sided conversation, it was like that fucking leech turned her into a mute with whatever magic bullshit he possessed.

I was always waiting for her, waiting in _his_ shadow since he was still a prominent fixture in her life even after he was long gone.

I wanted to protect her too, so I patrolled around her house and I would hear the piercing inhumane screams when she awoke from those fucking nightmares every night. The hurt would not stop, even when he had been gone months after; the leech was still causing immense pain to her that I couldn't do anything to stop it.

I suffered internally because the only woman who held my heart would not allow me to help her, to make her feel better, to be there for her, to allow me to love her with everything that I have.

She built the walls around her that I couldn't even break down anymore. It was endless torture for me to see in her eyes; I saw the emptiness in her soul, the abandonment of her being and how fractured beyond repair she was; just like me.

My heart ached in agony to hear her cry every night. I couldn't comfort her to make her sobs subside. I would want to hold her and whisper to her it would be alright, that she had me and I would never leave her.

I wept every night for her because I hated what that motherfucker did to her. I hate him for everything he is and for even existing. I made a vow that if the fucker would ever cross my path I would tear him apart without a second thought; there would be no sympathy for him, no remorse or regard for his pathetic existence because he didn't show Bella any mercy that day he left her in the woods as she took her last breath of who she was before he destroyed her; he annihilated her internally. There would be no forgiveness from me for that fucking leech.

I close my eyes tightly. All I hear is the sound of crickets and the soft howl of the wind flow through the forest trees outside as evening approaches.

The flood of memories rushes into my mind about everything and what could have been with Bella.

* * *

_I knock on the grimy garage door waiting nervously for Jake to appear behind it. The door swings open and I look up to see my best friend flash his beautiful million dollar smile._

_I smile meekly at him, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. He rushes to embrace me into his signature bone crushing hug._

_"Bells! I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see you again, you have gone M.I.A the past couple of weeks; what's up?" he chuckles._

_I hold him tight inhaling his earthy scent, running my fingers through his long, soft, raven locks._

_"I know, I have just been…busy with school stuff," I lie._

_He releases me and sets me down on my feet. We pull away from each other but I can't meet his gaze fully._

_"I see. Well, I've missed hanging out with you, we need to get together and go out sometime you know? There's a new movie playing right now and I was hoping to go see it with you; that's if you want to go…with me," he smiles sheepishly._

_I laugh softly. "Of course I would want to go with you. I just have to see when I may have some time; it has just been crazy with school and stuff. I will let you know, okay?"_

_"Sure, sure," he waves it off as if nothing._

_"So what are you working on today? Can I see?" I ask._

_"Oh yeah, come in; sorry. It's just some piece of scrap metal right now but in time, this baby will be a beauty and will take me from point A to point B. It will get me all the ladies too," he waggles his eyebrows up and down._

_We both laugh in unison as we walk to his latest project._

_"You weren't kidding about the scrap metal part," I chuckle._

_"Hey! You'll see when I'm all done with her, and then your carless ass will be begging me for rides."_

_I swat his arm. "Don't be a jerk! I was just playing," I giggle shaking my head. "So what is it, for reals?" I laugh._

_"Bells, it's a Volkswagen Rabbit. It isn't much now but like I said, just with a new paint job, replacing the interior and getting it to actually run, it'll be my biggest accomplishment yet from working on all these cars and the pay off at the end will be that I'll have my own car," He grins._

_"Ah gotcha, always the one to take on the biggest, most impossible projects but yet you tend to accomplish them and get what you want at the end," I say without realizing the double meaning behind it. I hope he doesn't catch it._

_Before I met Edward, Jacob and I were always close; he was just too much of a best friend to see him anymore than that. I didn't want to mess up what we had already. I didn't want to ruin our friendship just for some teenage feelings that may be just a phase of growing up. We both have been running on our hormones at this age and I couldn't let that get in the way of Jacob and I. Jacob has expressed his feelings to me, I knew his were not in the platonic friend area anymore._

_His smile fades as he clears his throat._

_"You know there is only one thing I would ever want, Bella. No matter how long it takes me to win your heart; that would be the greatest accomplishment in my life," he smiles sincerely._

_I curse myself internally. "Jacob…I-I don't know what to say other than I am flattered but you know we are best friends, we have been since growing up together. We can't let something like that ruin us. And…what if we do try and it ends up not working, we will break-up and end up hating each other. It always ends badly!" I state crossing my arms._

_He smirks shaking his head. "Bells, what more could you possibly ask for in a perfect relationship? Two best friends coming together in a solid romantic relationship, we know each other like the back our hands; it's the best outcome ever. I know what I want and I know who I want to be with. I have already told you that I have loved you since we were kids. I just realized it even more now and I want to at least give us a chance."_

_Jake walks closer to me, closing the distance between us. He runs his fingers through my hair gently, wrapping a strand of my curls around his finger._

_I can't look him in the eyes; I bow my head down in shame. I close my eyes and sigh in frustration._

_"Jake, I love you as my best friend. I'm sorry but…I j-just don't see you that way. I-I'm sorry…I don't want to hurt you so please…just understand," I plead._

_He is relentless though and continues. "Why, Bells? Why won't you just think about it? We don't have to rush anything right now…but at least consider it…"_

_I cut him off before this goes on any further, "I can't, okay Jake; because I just can't!" I exclaim._

_"Give me one good reason why?" He raises his voice in frustration._

_"I met someone!" I blurt out before my brain can stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth._

_Jacob's eyes widen in disbelief and for a moment, pain flickers across his face but disappears as quickly as it came. His features harden and I can tell he has his guard up now._

_"Is that what you came here to tell me?" He grits his teeth; his voice is stern, not gentle anymore._

_"Y-yes…and no, I came here to see you because I miss you. Like I said, you're my best friend, I can't be without my best friend; you make all my worries melt away, you bring a smile to my face just by seeing you, you make me laugh on my shittiest days, Jake." I hope this is enough to let him know I care deeply for him but my heart belongs to someone else._

_He turns and places his hands on the rabbit, leaning against it. "Yeah, whatever…always just the friend; what's his name?"_

_My brows furrow together, "What? His name?"_

_"The person you met, Bella."_

_"Oh…um...it doesn't matter, Jake. We don't have to talk about him. Let's just enjoy the time we have right now before I have to head back home, please?"_

_"What. Is. His. Name?" He asks through gritted teeth._

_I look down at the dirty concrete floor and hesitate for a moment before answering him._

_"Edward Cullen," I cringe at having to tell Jake because I know what his reaction will be._

_Jake turns around quickly, all I see is anger flare in his eyes. "Bella, Edward Cullen? I've told you his family is dangerous! How could you be so naïve? Why would you even consider being with that asshole?"_

_My own anger rises at his sharp words and the need to protect Edward is also strong within me. "What? You don't even know him! Just because of some stupid legend or story from your great-grandfather that's been passed down generations doesn't mean it has any truth to it!" I lie again._

_"If anything you should be happy for me! I would do the same for you if you ever were to meet someone. I thought you would understand and be there for me as my friend but apparently I'm wrong," I sneer._

_"Bella, you don't know anything about his family; even if they are just stories, you don't know where this guy is from or his past. Don't you find it odd his family just abruptly moves here to a secluded area all the way from Alaska? Hell, from what I've heard they move constantly from place to place. That isn't normal!"_

_"I thought you of all people wouldn't be so quick to judge but I guess again…I'm wrong. I love him and he loves me. There isn't anything I can change about the way I feel about someone. You are hurt and angry right now but you'll get over it, Jake. I'm sorry to be so harsh but that is the reality of the situation, whether you like it or not."_

_I turn to leave when I feel Jake's hand grasp my arm._

_"Wait…I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said about you but I don't take back what I said about the Cullen's. I'm just trying to look out for you…as my best friend. I don't want to see you get hurt Bella. I-I…," He sighs. "I can put my feelings aside that I have for you that aren't platonic…if all we can be is friends, then so be it. As long as I have you in my life, that's all that matters. I'll be here as your best friend, whenever you need me…I promise."_

_I search his eyes for the sincerity of his words; his eyes glisten, whether it's from tears that are on the verge of spilling, I don't know. Jacob hides his face behind his long hair as he steps out into the darkness of the night, walking me to my truck._

_I open the cab door and still can't meet his gaze; I fidget with the keys in my hand._

_"Thank you," I breathe out while closing my eyes._

_Jake pulls me into a tight hug; I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head against his warm chest, my fingers reach to twirl strands of his thick long hair._

_He rests his cheek against the top of my head, "I love you Bella, I know I said I'd put my feelings aside but I'm just being honest with you. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you," he says sadly._

_I swallow around the lump that forms in my throat. I whisper against his chest, "I love you too, Jake. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you either."_

_We reluctantly release from our embrace. I know things won't be the same after this night; things will change, whether for good or bad? I couldn't say but the uneasiness crept its way in me._

_The fear of losing my best friend is present but the greater fear comes in the thought I will lose the man I want to spend eternity with._

"So you grew up with Jacob?" The doctor's words make the vision of the memory disappear once again.

"Yeah, after my parents divorced I stayed to live with Charlie and my mom moved to Arizona. I knew Jake since we were both in diapers. Our dad's are best friends…or at least they were; I don't know if they still are." I shrug.

"Did Jacob develop these feelings abruptly for you when you both were seventeen years old?"

"I don't know, from what I can recall of our conversations, he expressed to me that he always felt love towards me. It was not until we turned sixteen that he kept persisting we try to go out

"Why do think you would not have romantic relationship with him?" Dr. Lehman inquires.

"I-I…I honestly don't know now that I think back on it. I guess…fear? Afraid I would lose the one person who understood me, the one person I knew I could tell anything to, the one person who made me feel like I was important. I think…I guess…I just didn't want to lose him as my best friend. That is what we always were so maybe I was just so used to that label, best friends."

"But you knew him before you met Edward, correct?"

"Yes. But just because I knew him before Edward didn't mean I had to pursue something other than friendship with Jake. It was just so easy to be around him…easy as breathing. Jacob is just the sweetest, gentlest, caring and most kind hearted person you could ever meet. He was like the brilliant sun that burst through the clouds on the gloomiest of my days whenever he was around. He deserves to be with someone that could love him unconditionally, someone that could give him their complete devotion and heart. I wasn't able to give him that, even before Edward came into the picture."

"Did you feel as if you were not worthy enough to be with Jacob because of the type of person you describe him to be? Do you think _you_ are not a good enough person for him?"

"Yes. Jacob is just a really, really great person that deserves a lot more than what I am able to offer him."

"I think you could have offered Jacob what he asked of you. At least if you did try to have a romantic relationship with him. You were certainly capable of giving so much love and affection to Edward when he swept you off your feet. It does not sound any different from what Jacob tried accomplishing than what Edward did to win your love."

"Yes but…it's just so complicated. Jacob knew me like no one else, not even Edward. My relationship with Jacob was without worries, not complicated, no pressure to be someone who I wasn't; just the best of friends. With Edward…our relationship was totally the opposite, so serious and so…ah, so…too much too soon, intense I guess you can say," I try to explain.

"So it was all just fear of not wanting to get too serious with Jacob?"

"I just didn't want to break his heart if I turned out not being what he wanted or expected me to be," I say honestly.

"But how would you know that if you did not even give him a chance at that relationship?"

"I know. It all just seems so easy when you are not the person in my shoes. Things just…changed after Jacob learned of my relationship with Edward. We still hung out here and there but I was mostly always with Edward and well…Edward didn't like Jacob as I said earlier so I tried to keep the peace between my best friend and my boyfriend; the only way of doing that was by respecting Edward's wishes of me not hanging out with Jake anymore. I all too willingly obliged because…well because I was stupid."

_I tap my pencil against my notebook as I think about the information I have to write for my history essay._

_As my pencil is about to meet the blank sheet of paper, I hear something nick my window. I turn to my left to peer towards the sound but all I see is darkness outside._

_I stand to walk to the window, I unlatch the lock and slide it open, I look outside but I still see nothing. I hear only the rustling of the leaves from the trees and the soft wind blowing through the night._

_"Psst, Bella!" I hear below me._

_I furrow my brows and lean my body out of the window to take a better look. I see Jake standing in the bushes below, "Jake, what are you doing hiding in the bushes?"_

_"I don't want your dad to see me, can I come up? Please Bella?"_

_"Jake…I don't think that's a good idea, it's late and I have school tomorrow," I respond._

_"Come on Bella! I hardly get to see you now…I promise it won't be long, just a few minutes?" he almost begs._

_I bite my bottom lip contemplating whether to let him up or not. I do miss seeing him and if it's just a few minutes, there would be no harm in that._

_"Alright fine but you need to be quiet," I tell him._

_"Cool, move back I'm going to come up…"_

_"Jake! How are you going to make it up here without making noise?"_

_"Bella, just move back…"_

_I roll my eyes, "Okay." I walk back and before I can blink, Jake is climbing silently through the window._

_"How did you do that?" I whisper in amazement._

_"Bells, I'm a werewolf remember? Nimbleness sort of comes with that," he softly chuckles._

_"Ah right…I keep forgetting about all that," I shrug. I feel nervous for some reason around him now. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear._

_"Come here," Jake walks towards me and embraces me into strong hold against his taut form._

_Jacob was sort of beautiful to me before but now, everything was just so much more prominent, I wasn't going to lie, he was gorgeous; extremely handsome. His copper skin kind of made me jealous at times next to my paleness. Jacob was also so much bigger now that he phased into a wolf, he practically grew over night into his 6'7" frame, I was just so tiny next to him. He has a thick, toned muscular body, similar to that of a serious bodybuilder, though balanced by his tremendous height so he doesn't look out of proportion. It did sadden me when he had to cut off his long hair, which now is cropped short but I was able to get used to it. He still has the same deep-set twinkling eyes from the Jacob I knew before he phased. Even though he had changed physically, he was still **my Jacob**._

_It'd been odd for me at first learning he was a werewolf, just like when I found out about the Cullen's secret but it didn't bother me one bit._

_Jacob wasn't the first to phase from all the wolves, the pack consisted of Sam as the Alpha, although I later found out that position was rightfully Jake's because of his bloodline; then it was Jared and Paul to phase next. They certainly are not very fond of me…just like Rosalie isn't but I can care less of what they think. Next it was Embry to phase, soon after Jake, then Quil and lastly was Leah and Seth. The last two were certainly surprises to the tribe and pack, one because Leah is a girl and secondly because Seth is just so young._

_Jake did stop talking to me initially when he transformed but it was only because Sam had commanded him not to speak with me. He finally came around but our relationship was not the same, apparently werewolves and vampires are mortal enemies that have to kill each other._

_Jake thinks Edward is dangerous and Edward thinks Jake is dangerous. They weren't able to be in close proximity of each other, although Jacob is more hot tempered when it comes to Edward, I just had to find that middle ground which was difficult to do. Edward thought it best for me to stay away from Jacob so that's what I did. This is the sole reason I didn't hang out with Jake that much. Sam also seemed to have his pack against the Cullen's which I don't understand because they're not like other blood thirsty vampires._

_I sigh and slightly shake my head from all that has transpired in the last months._

_I hold onto Jake tighter. He is so much warmer than before. His skin burns against mine but it's almost soothing to me. His scent still has the earthy essence to it but it's now mixed with a woodsy and sap moss…almost musky scent. I love the way he smells and the heat emanating from him._

_I release from the hug and look up at him, "Jake…you know it isn't a good idea you're here."_

_"Bells, I just wanted to come see you, that blood-, er…I mean…**he** doesn't seem to let you out of the house anymore." He rolls his eyes crossing his arms._

_"Jake. You know that isn't true…you know how Edward feels about me hanging out with you; I just don't want any problems…please. It's difficult enough with the whole vampire/werewolf thing, don't make things complicated with…you know," I say exasperated._

_"With what Bella, with the fact that he isn't right for you, that I can give you what he can't? Bells, you know I am better for you. I can protect you from the red-headed leech just as much as he can. Why can't you see that?"_

_"I'm not doing this Jake; you came here to see me. I don't need to be lectured on my choice of who I choose to love," I am frustrated now._

_"Can't you open your eyes and realize this isn't love he has for you? He's working his magic bullshit with you and has you in some sort of vampire spell. You're just so infatuated with him that you don't realize it Bella. He's a vampire! Sooner or later he's going to slip and kill you," he starts to get frustrated too._

_I rub my face with my hands, "That's it; I am not doing this I told you. You can't come into my room saying you want to see me because you miss me then turn around and start spewing nonsense about Edward. I won't allow it. Maybe Edward is right…maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore Jake. I'm not going to change my mind, so please…understand that. I'm sorry I can't be more than a friend to you, we've been through this over and over already!"_

_Jacob doesn't respond, "Jake?"_

_I see his face darken and his features harden. His eyes close shut; his body starts to shake violently as his fists clench at his sides. A low vicious growl rumbles through his chest._

_My eyes widen in apprehension, is it possibly Victoria that has come to finish me off?_

_"Jake? What's going on? What is it? Please say something!" I don't want yell because Charlie is downstairs but my voice is in a panic as the pitch of it rises._

_He opens his eyes and glances at the window, "Tell **him** not to come up here," he states furiously._

_"What? Jake, what are you talking about?"_

_"It's **him** Bella. The leech you love so god damn much," he spits out with clenched teeth._

_"Edward?" The next thing I see is Edward standing in my room in front of me in a protective stance._

_I begin to lose control of my nerves and my heart beat races in an inharmonious rhythm. They both glare at each other menacingly._

_"Edward, what are you doing here? You were supposed to be hunting."_

_He turns his head slightly to face me. "We came back early love, so I wanted to see you. I missed you…but as I made my way over here I caught this filthy mutt's scent," Edward spits the last part out in anger, turning to face Jacob._

_"Jake was just visiting me, he was about to leave; right Jake?" I glance at Jacob._

_"The hell with this Bella, how can you live in fear like this? Afraid of what his reaction is going to be if you do something he doesn't like?"_

_"I suggest you leave now dog," Edward sneers._

_"Fuck you leech, this isn't your house. If Bella wants for me to leave fine but you don't get to tell me what to do. Bella, please…just come with me. Let's go somewhere and talk…please. I didn't mean to get you upset, you know I never do," Jake's demeanor changes so drastically when he speaks to me from when he speaks to Edward._

_"J-jake…I-um…I-I can't."_

_"Please Bella…I'm asking you as my best friend…"_

_"It's time to leave dog!" Edward exclaims enraged. "I will kill you if I have to, treaty or no treaty!"_

_Jake crosses his arms over his broad chest and it appears he stands taller than before. "It would be my pleasure to say 'fuck the treaty' and rip you apart leech. You don't get to tell her what she does or doesn't do. Bella can make her own decisions…but you wouldn't know that would you? You have her under your vampire voodoo shit she can't even think straight sometimes."_

_"Listen mutt, Bella can be with whomever she pleases. I'm not holding her against her will. If she chooses to go with you, then so be it. I won't stop her. But know this…I love her. She is my whole existence and if any harm comes to her, I will kill you Jacob Black."_

_Jacob snorts. "Oh ye of little faith," he laughs. "Do you honestly think **I** would allow any harm to come to her? Here's a little refresher course for you asshole; I'm not the one who allowed Bella to be bitten by one of your kind, I'm not the one that has a red-headed bitch out to avenge her mate's death on Bella. I'm not the one who can't resist her blood that every damn time I touch her I want to suck the life out of her. Is that enough for you? Or should I keep going?" He states furious, his jaw is set tight and twitches every so often from the rage he is holding back._

_"Enough!" Edward hisses._

_"Stop! Both of you need to just stop this. Charlie is downstairs and I'm surprised he hasn't come up here yet. Edward…just give me five minutes, please?" I grab his shoulder and glance at him pleadingly. He turns slightly and nods._

_Edward walks towards the window where Jake is standing. "If you so much as even touch her without her consent, I will break your hands dog."_

_Jake chuckles darkly, "Yeah, I would like to see you try motherfucker."_

_In an instant Edward disappears from the room._

_"Jacob, what are you doing? Why do you try to infuriate him like this! I already told you, there will never be an 'us'! You need to get that through your head, I can't keep living like this…I can't keep being the peace maker between the two of you. I won't let you keep trying to break-up my relationship with Edward. I love him…and that's not going to change."_

_"Bells…," he swallows thickly. "I'm asking you to choose me. He isn't good for you. I love you so much. You have no idea how much I love you. I'll do anything for you too but please, don't reject me again. Give us a chance, I asked you this same thing those many months ago and I'm asking you again. All this bullshit he's put you through, you deserve so much better."_

_I close my eyes and sigh. "Please Jake…don't do this. Don't make me choose," I shake my head._

_I hear him step closer; he takes my hands in his. "Bella, I know you love me too. I know what you feel for me isn't just platonic. I can hear when your heart accelerates when I'm around you. I can sense how nervous I make you; I know the way you touch me when we're near each other. You just don't realize it. I can make you see how much we are meant to be together. My mind thinks, my heart beats, my smile forms...all because of you. Please…give me a chance."_

_I open my eyes and look up into his dark eyes that are glistening with tears._

_My own tears start to form in my eyes. "I can't. I love him too much…and…I told you, I just see you as my best friend. If you can't take the friendship I offer you then…I'm sorry but we can't see each other anymore. This is it. You have to leave now Jacob."_

_"But Bella…," he breathes out desperately._

_"No! Stop it. I mean it. You need to leave. I didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice, I told you not to make me choose. Edward is my life. I can't live without him. I love him so much. I won't give him up. I can't…I choose Edward," I say sternly._

_I see Jacob break even more and his face is in anguish over my words. He drops my hands and starts backing away from me._

_"He's going to hurt you Bella and when that time comes…I'll still be here for you. You know why, because I love you unconditionally."_

_In a blink of an eye Jacob is gone from my room._

"I rejected Jake so many times. I don't blame him if he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I know I hurt him immensely and I regret the decisions I made when it came to us every day. I have to live with the guilt of the pain I caused him," I say sadly.

I feel so angry and frustrated at myself as I remember all these moments in my life. "I don't even know who I am anymore, why I even came here. I lost myself along the way and I don't know if I'll ever be that same person before Edward came into my life," I shake my head.

"Bella, remember what I said earlier about the veil covering your eyes? Well, what I see is that Jacob tried to lift that veil to help you truly see the world you were missing but every time he tried, you just yanked it right back down," Dr. Lehman states.

It is like she knows the right thing to say at the appropriate time, which makes me feel like shit even more.

"You're right again. When are you not right doc?" I slightly laugh shaking my head.

"It is not that I am right all the time. It is the way I see things as a doctor," she smiles. "So what happened after you told him to leave for good?"

"Well I didn't see Jake for about three weeks. I did feel bad for that night but I also felt angry because he was always trying to get a rise out of Edward. After three weeks I did try calling Jake and wrote him letters that I sent along with my dad whenever he went down to La Push but he was never home when I would call or when Charlie would go see Billy. I would see some of his friends hanging out at the diner in Forks sometimes and I would ask them about him but…they never seemed to know where he was, either that or they just didn't want to tell me," I shrug.

"Jacob was angry I suppose?" The doctor asks.

"Oh yes, very much so. It took my about another two weeks to try and get him to talk to me. Finally his resolve deteriorated and he forgave me and I forgave him. We couldn't be away from each other. It was like…I needed him as much as I needed Edward. I didn't realize it at the time though. I convinced Edward to let me hang out with Jake every weekend. It was my choice, he was my best friend and I wasn't going to take no for an answer. Edward reluctantly agreed….on certain conditions of course. Edward had to be the one to drop me off at…near Jake's house and pick me up. God, I sound so much like…like Edward had me on a leash," I cringe at the words.

"But at least you were able to see Jacob again and spend time with him right?"

"Yes. And I miss what we had…Jake and I spent almost every weekend together with his friends at bonfires on the beach, or just him and I working on dumb things in his garage, sometimes we would just take out a blanket in his backyard at night and lay there gazing at all the stars, trying to figure out what constellation was where," I smile gratefully at the old memories. "It seems ridiculous now but at the time, it was everything to me. I would look forward to the weekends. Being with him just…made me whole. It was odd I never felt that way with Edward now that I look back. I was always happier when I came home from seeing Jake. It would freak Charlie out a bit," I chuckle.

"Did Charlie approve of your friendship with Jacob?"

"Oh yes, definitely yes. If I would've gotten together with Jake and married him, Charlie would die a happy man."

"Did your father approve of Edward?"

"Definitely not, Charlie hates Edward. Even before Edward left me, my dad was never too fond of him for some reason. I never knew why but Charlie just had it out for him since the beginning."

"I can probably see why your father approved of one and not the other. Charlie was able to see the difference in you when you were with Jacob. You were happier as you stated, you were probably easier to get along with. You exposed yourself more after spending time with Jacob. This was a softer more…jovial Bella that came out of her shell. When you were with Edward, it sounds as if you were more moody and melancholy. You took everything with such seriousness and your dad most likely felt he was dealing with a thirty-year-old woman and not his seventeen-year-old teenage daughter."

"See…there you go again, always has the right answer," I shake my head with a smile on my

"Bella, I am just here to help you see some things that maybe you were not able to."

"Right," I mutter.

"How about when Edward left, I know you were in Forks for six months. How was your relationship with Jacob then?"

"Oh god…don't get me started on that bullshit. I was a fool. I was an idiot. I was a lot of things I won't say out of respect for you doc but I just screwed up even more during that time. And this may be the specific reason why Jacob may hate me so much and why I say I don't blame him if he never wants to see or speak to me ever again."

"What happened during that time?"

"I became the walking undead. I'm not even kidding you. I was like a robot with no emotions. I was going to school, doing the everyday things my body was supposed to do but my mind wasn't there…at all. I stopped talking to all my friends and stopped hanging out with Jake. I didn't want to see anyone, not even Jacob. I had horrible night terrors; which I still did have up until recently, I would awake crying and screaming at night. I basically put Charlie through hell. No one was able to get through to me so I ran away like a…well you know that word. I don't have to say it."

The doctor nods in understanding.

"Did you finally talk to him though before you left to Florida?"

I sigh in sorrow. "Yes I spoke to him before ran off to Florida…and whatever was left of _my Jacob_…I crushed without even caring."

_I look up from where I sit in the living room to see Charlie descend from the stairs with my suitcases._

_"Alright Bells, looks like this is the last of it. Your room is all packed away. Are you sure you don't want to stay? We can get you the help you need here honey. You don't need to run all the way to Florida to find yourself or whatever it is that you are going through," Charlie states resting his hands on his waist._

_"No dad. I need to get out of here. I have to go far away from this god forsaken place," my tears start to spill over my eyes._

_"Bella…I know this break-up has been hard for you but I'm sure having me and your friends here will help you through this, don't push me away Bella."_

_"I'm not pushing you away. You just need to let me go…I need distance right now, going to live with Renée is just better for me at the moment. I'll be back dad…just please try to understand why I'm doing this. I can't keep putting you through all the crap you've been dealing with."_

_Charlie puts a hand on my shoulder affectionately. "I love you Bella, please remember that. I'm not going to stop you if you think this is the best option for you. You're eighteen-years-old, you're not a little kid anymore. I trust you to make the right decision here for yourself. Please don't make me regret letting you go."_

_I sniffle and nod silently._

_"I'm going to put your bags in the cruiser, your flight leaves in about four hours so we need to leave in the next thirty minutes to make it to the Port Angeles airport on time so you won't miss your flight, it's also raining so we better get a move on," Charlie informs me._

_I nod silently again as he walks out the door carrying all my stuff._

_I haven't said good-bye to anyone I know. No one knows I'm leaving. I made Charlie promise not to tell anyone. It would hurt less to leave everyone behind if I didn't have to face them._

_Apparently, happiness and peace of mind was never meant for me. I will leave all these promises and all these bullshit of lies behind me. I have to run far away from **him**. Everywhere I turn here, everywhere I go….it's always a reminder of **him**._

_I hope being thousands of miles away from this fucking place will help me forget **him**. I'm no good anymore, tainted without **his** love. This is probably why he left. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being that he probably wasn't able to stand any longer. If only he would have turned me, I would be good enough._

_I stand and walk to the door._

_I stand against the door frame peering out into the gloomy sky, the rain falls heavily covering every inch of the ground. If only it could wash away all these tears, all the pain, all the loneliness I feel._

_I close my eyes._

_If it'll only wash_ me _away so that I'll never have to feel this ever again. The cracks in my heart are becoming permanent each day. I'm fractured to the point that all the pieces of my shattered soul can't be found from where **he** ripped me apart that day he left…and the sad part of this is I don't want them back because if **he** has them, I'll gladly give those to **him**; as long as **he** wants some part of me; even if it's the broken pieces._

_It's difficult to see through my watery eyes each day. It's difficult to be brave when all I live is in fear. It's difficult to love when **he** stole my heart. I whisper sorry to **him** every night as I cry helplessly in my bed. It's difficult to feel like me when the biggest part of myself left me._

_It's so fucking hard to see when all I want is **him**. And all he wanted was to leave._

_I open my eyes as I hear the rumble of a motorcycle in the distance coming closer. I know who it is. I didn't tell him I would be leaving today. How did he find out?_

_There's no time to ask Charlie because the motorcycle pulls into my driveway. Charlie glances over his shoulder from the trunk of the cruiser as he's still fixing my entire luggage to fit. Jacob dismounts his bike and runs towards the house, dismissing Charlie._

_What will I tell him? I can't handle this right now._

_I cross my arms and stare down at my shoes. I can't face him when I'm about to leave for good._

_"Bella?" He breathes heavily._

_I look up at him through my red rim puffy eyes. I can't hold in the tears as they flow freely down my face._

_I hug my own body trying to keep all the pain inside. "I'm sorry Jacob," I shake my head regretfully._

_"Billy told me you were leaving to Florida…is this true?" He asks in distress._

_"Y-yes…I h-have to go," I cry._

_"Why? Is it because of that leech? Bella…you don't have to run away…you have Charlie to think about. What will this do to him?"_

_"I can't stay here. There's nothing for me here anymore. Charlie can take care of himself."_

_"Bells…please…stay for me. You have me. You can't leave me."_

_"Jake…please don't do this right now. This is the last thing I need. I have to go…I have to get away from here. There is nothing but bad memories for me here," I sob._

_The sound of the car trunk closing echoes through the air._

_"Bells…it's time to go. I'll give you a few minutes, I'll be waiting in the car," Charlie shouts to me._

_I look over at him and nod._

_"Bella, I'm begging you…please don't go. I love you so much. I need you in my life. Please…let me be that man for you, the man to show you what love truly is. Let me heal your heart, I will take care of you. I can give you what he couldn't. I promise to never leave you; you have always held my heart in your hands. I belong to you. It doesn't matter what's happened in the past with the **him**, you're everything to me," he states desperately._

_I close my eyes. "Jake…," I whisper._

_I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist. I open my eyes to see him on his knees in front of me on the porch. It doesn't matter to him that he is getting soaking wet by the rain. He rests his head on my abdomen._

_He lifts his head and gazes into my eyes. All I see in Jacob's eyes is anguish, sorrow, and desperation. It's heartbreaking and my heart cracks a little more at the sight of him._

_"Please Bella…please. I'm on my knees begging you to stay, begging you not to go. I'm begging you to love me. Why can't you see me as the person you should spend the rest of your life with? If you need me to say I'm sorry for being an asshole all those times from before, I will tell you over and over. If you need to hear me tell you I love you, I will say it to you every single day for the rest of our lives._

_I thought I should have moved on when you told me all those times you chose him but I realized I shouldn't because no one else matters to me like you do Bells, no one can compare. Now, please tell me what I have to do to make this right, to make you stay with me. Whatever it is I need to do…I will do it over and over again just for you," his voice strains as he confesses all his unyielding love and devotion for me._

_I can't reciprocate the feelings though._

_I sob even harder at the realization. "Jacob…I have to go. Please, don't make this even more difficult than it already is. You have to let me go…"_

_He stands up quickly and takes my face into his large hands, crushing his lips to mine in a bittersweet fervent kiss. I struggle against it at first but I let my resolve fail for this mere moment to feel what it's like to truly be loved._

_My lips part with his, pulsing with the inflow of warm, sensual blood. His tongue makes a searching sweep for mine as he slips it between my lips; our tongues slide moistly together in an intense but yet soft movement. It feels like I'm absorbing his essence into my very cells._

_I've never experienced such a kiss like this. For a fraction of a second, everyone and everything else fades around us and it's only Jacob I can smell, hear, feel, and taste._

_**His** face flashes in my mind behind my closed eyes._

_I gasp and pull away from Jacob quickly. I cover my face with my hands, shaking my head as my sobs erupt violently._

_"I am so sorry," I softly whisper._

_"Bella…I know you love me too. That kiss means more to you than just friends. Please…"_

_The only way to get him to leave me is to just break him completely. At this moment, I have to get away. It doesn't matter how I feel for him. It isn't enough._

_I let my hands down from my face and look him directly in the eyes. "Jacob, stop! I do love you. I realize that now. God, I love you too…but it's not enough. You are not enough for me. You will never be what Edward is to me. You can never compare to him and I don't want you to try! You are not Edward and you never will be! The two of us are never meant to be."_

_The words shred his heart to pieces as he falls to his knees in agony. His head bows down as he holds onto the side of the door frame._

_"I have to go. I am s-so sorry…," I whimper._

_I don't wait for his response, I leave him on the ground barely breathing and bleeding from the severe blow of my cruel words. I know I have destroyed his soul, leaving him to sickly gulp the blood through his shattered teeth._

_I give his heart back brutally beaten to a bloody mess but it is the only way for him to let me go. At least now I know he is no longer beneath my grasp._

_This moment won't last forever. Time will pass and he will move on._

_I run towards the cruiser and get in, slamming the door shut, I shout at Charlie to leave._

_I gasp for a breath wrapping my arms around my mid-section, sobbing endlessly all the way to the airport for the one love I have destroyed and all that could have been._

I don't realize the tears streaming down my face at the last horrible memory I have of Jacob. Dr. Lehman hands me tissues.

"It was pretty bad then I think it would be appropriate to say," she remarks.

I sniffle and clean my eyes with the soft tissue before answering. "Yes. As you can see now….that is why I say Jacob probably hates me. I practically left him broken and bleeding that day he confessed his true love for me and we shared the most romantic kiss ever in my life."

"Did you mean all those things you said to him?"

"Of course not, how could I ever compare him to Edward? They are two totally different people. Two different beings I love so much in completely different ways. I was just so messed up at the time that I didn't care who I hurt. I was hurting inside and I thought…at least for a moment, someone should feel the pain I was feeling. It was wrong of me and I recognize the destruction I have caused Jacob. I'm truly sorry for what I said to him that day," I cry regretfully.

"Do you truly love him? And not just as friend."

"Yes. I do. I realized it way too late. I wasn't able to accept his love at the time because I was so involved in Edward, I could not see anything else…I guess that's the whole veil analogy you spoke about."

"Bella, those are hurtful things to say to someone who does love you. I think it will take time for him to accept your apology; or maybe not. Maybe he will accept your apology but do not expect your relationship or friendship to be the same before that day. This will certainly take time to heal all the damage both of you caused each other because it was not only you who caused the damage. Jacob certainly caused you pain as well by putting the pressure on you to choose when you were not ready which made you act in this way. Now, I am not saying this is totally his fault but I think you both had a lot of growing up to do and I think this time apart has made you do that. It has made you realize the love you have for him and how much he means to you."

I wipe my tears away with the tissue. "Yeah, you are probably right again. I just hope one day he will forgive me and we are able to put all this behind us. Like I said, I don't expect him to come around anytime soon."

As long Jacob is willing to accept my apology, I believe I can live with that and I will work for his friendship if I have to…if I have to tell him every day, over and over again that I'm sorry; just as he had promised me, I will do it – for him.


	6. A Ballad for the Bleeding Hearts

**Rated:** NC-17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N & Forewarning:** Thanks to my hubs, he's such an awesome pre-reader AND Beta! :) I want to warn readers this chapter WILL include VERY graphic content and deal with subjects sensitive in nature. Do NOT say I didn't warn you if you decide to continue to read the chapter. It will have A LOT of physical and emotional abuse. If you don't know what either of those words mean; Google it, anything and everything that is synonymous to those words is in this chapter. If death makes you uncomfortable as well, DO NOT read this chapter. I hate to have to put this long ass Author's Note before the chapter but it's only appropriate to give a fair warning to not offend or catch anyone off guard if these are delicate subjects to someone. But either way, it's my story and my writing and I am proud of everything and anything I have written for this story.

Also, I don't want to give away what's in this chapter but just to inform you; when I got pregnant with my first child, I was thin, very thin. The hubs actually says I was wafer thin for him but he loves me any which way my body is lol. So back to the point, I didn't start showing in my first pregnancy until about my eight month, no joke. People didn't even know I was pregnant until I told them which they wouldn't believe and they would ask me to show them my pudge of a belly. It was barely noticeable and just looked as if I had a beer gut or something and it was definitely easy to hide with big sweaters or shirts (not that I had to hide my pregnancy but I am just telling you that as an example). SO IT IS POSSIBLE TO NOT SHOW AT ALL UNTIL SOMEONE IS IN THE LATTER PART OF THEIR THIRD TRIMESTER. I can absolutely tell you this from my own personal experience so I'm not just making this up to write my story. This will make sense as you read along.

With that said, on with the story…

* * *

**Chapter Five – A Ballad for the Bleeding Hearts  
**

_Out of the dark we came, into the dark we go. Like a storm-driven bird at night we fly out of the Nowhere; for a moment our wings are seen in the light of the fire, and, lo! We are gone again into the Nowhere._

_~ H. Rider Haggard_

* * *

"I _am_ trying to fit it in there…"

"Well, it won't fit. It's too small to fit…try moistening it so it'll just slip right in, see if that works."

"No. And it is not too small. The hole is a perfect size."

"Bella – the hole is too small."

"How can you say it's too small? It's perfect, just the right size!"

"I think you should get a larger needle. The thread will not go through that tiny hole. You chose the wrong size needle for that. I know what I'm telling you," she muses.

I glare at Johanna.

I have been sitting here for the past thirty minutes trying to get the damn thread into the needle hole to be able to start on this stupid quilt for my new activity during our leisurely time.

Maybe she is right.

"I give up. I'm not made for all this domesticated shit," I huff in frustration. "This is ridiculous. I don't understand why I have to pick up some new activity crap. Playing checkers with the real crazies over there was fine for me," I state pointing my thumb in the direction of the other rehabbers at the checkers table behind me.

Johanna laughs while concentrating and intricately weaving her needle through the fabric she is sewing together, "Maybe Dr. Lehman just wants you to stimulate your mind. Besides, what's so fun about playing checkers every day? It would be so mundane for me after doing it for four or five weeks."

"That's not the point. It's…a comfort zone thing. I don't know." I shrug.

Johanna chuckles shaking her head, "Bella, I'm surprised you are still even in this place."

"Why do you say that?" I ask perplexed.

"Well, you are just so hard-assed in your ways. I'm just saying because it doesn't seem you like change."

"That…that's not true, I like change as much as the next hobo on the street," I snicker at her.

She snorts in amusement and rolls her eyes at me. "What a douche."

"No thanks. I'm perfectly fine down there."

"You're such a smart ass, you know that? That's why I like you, you don't put up with shit," she smirks.

"Right," I nod.

"Hey what happened to that hot brother of yours and his friend, huh? I haven't seen them around lately."

"Oh, yeah they have not come to visit me in the last few days because they have been busy with work and school," I explain.

"They have been coming often and keeping you company though right? That must be nice."

"Yes, they have. They have been coming every other day and they send things in the care packages that my dad sends me; just like silly things, little notes here and there from Seth and Quil, stupid little gag gifts to cheer me up," I say as I watch her continue to sew.

"Well I bet they have made your five weeks that you have been here bearable."

"Hell yes. I don't know if I would be sane without them. I am so glad they have been my support while I have been here. I told Dr. Lehman they have been my rocks through this whole ordeal. It's just so easy to talk to both of them you know? I mean…I can talk to you because you are my friend and you are here. You have also gone through similar stuff as me but they are like family – well, at least one is really like family but Quil has been such an awesome friend to me," I smile brightly at the thought.

"Yeah he seems to like talking to you a lot. I notice – ouch!" Johanna pulls her finger back and shakes her hand, examining the needle poke.

"See, that's why I won't do this shit. I don't need to start sticking needles in myself," I laugh.

Johanna turns to give me the evil eye. She turns her attention back to her sewing, "Anyways, like I was saying that Quil dude seems nice."

"Yeah he is. He's sweet."

"Mhmm."

"What? What do you 'mhmm'?" I inquire furrowing my brows at her.

"Nothing…it's just that, he seems to pay a lot of attention to you – like…more than a friend should."

"Well duh, what do you expect? For him to ignore me the whole time he is supposed to be visiting _me_? I've known Quil since I was like…I don't know, ten years old," I cross my arms. "Besides, I am too fucked up to be even thinking about things like that, not that I have thought about it with him…I mean…ah, Johanna just shut up, please. We are just becoming good friends."

Johanna chuckles, "Okay sure, whatever you say Bella."

I guffaw. "You just won't give this up will you? He's just a friend and nothing more."

"You said he is related to that other dude you had gone out with or something?"

"Who?" I furrow my brows once more.

"That…Jay, Jackson –," she tries remembering.

"Jacob?"

"Yes, him!"

"Yeah, they are second cousins. So?" I respond annoyed now.

"Well, what does he think of your…friendship with Quil? How does he feel about him visiting you?"

"I would not know. I have not spoken to Jake," I reveal sadly.

"Oh. Well when do you plan on having that reunion with him?" Johanna seems to be more than nosey today.

"I don't know. I guess…when I go back to Forks in three weeks. I don't necessarily know how I'm going to meet with him or even if he will want to see me. I don't even know if he will take my call if I do try to call him."

"I see. Well just look at it this way…if Jacob doesn't come around, I don't think you have anything to worry about in regards to ending up lonely. I'm pretty sure Quil would not mind tapping that ass. Hell, if I played for the other team I would tap your ass in a heartbeat!" She chortles.

"Fuck Johanna! Will you shut up with that already! I can never have a serious conversation with you," I grit my teeth in irritation.

She giggles. "Alright, alright; I'm just messing with you. Gosh, take a chill pill. All I am saying is that if Jacob doesn't forgive you or whatever it is not the end of the world. At least you do have friends that want you in their life. There, happy with my words of wisdom? Oh and if you don't want Quil for yourself, just pass him over to me," She looks up from her incessant sewing and smiles.

I give her a fake smile and roll my eyes.

"OK, enough with this nonsense, I'm going to get a soda, you want anything?"

"No, I don't want anything. Thanks though."

I drop all the materials I hold in my hands and stand to walk to the cafeteria.

What did Johanna mean I don't like change? Of course I like change. That is why I am here; to change myself, to change my surroundings, change and fix everything that has been fucked up in my life. And then she goes off with the whole Quil thing? There is nothing going on between Quil and me. The days the guys have been coming have been nothing but fun for me and I am so happy every time they come to see me. Maybe she can only see us that way because Seth is my little brother and that would be gross…if she pictured Seth….

The thought gives me the creeps. I shake my head to dispel the thought.

I shrug. Maybe she just needs to get laid.

The conversations I have had with both Quil and Seth have been only what I would have imagined months ago; catching up on everything and everyone. Things have changed so much with the pack.

Apparently Sam got married to his long time girlfriend Emily and had a baby, Paul apparently married Rachel; Jake's sister. And Jared has his own pending nuptials to his girlfriend Kim. Embry is still one of the eligible bachelors along with Quil and Seth of course. Leah is still the same nasty bitch she has always been since we were kids.

I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

There were some younger boys, Colin and Brady, who phased after I left which was odd since the Cullen's were no longer around. I didn't bother asking Quil and Seth why that happened to them.

Hell, I didn't even know what the fuck happened to Victoria or Laurent. I just left without caring that they could possibly catch and kill me; being back in Forks kind of made me nervous because of that reason. Two years had gone by and nothing, not one word or sudden appearance from either of them.

Maybe they just forgot about me? What if they did stick around after I left but didn't realize I had run away to Florida? Maybe that is why the younger boys phased? So many questions I have but it didn't seem like I always had enough time when Quil and Seth were here to ask them.

Then there was the hard to swallow news that Jake has a girlfriend. I didn't want any details as to their relationship. I didn't even want her name. It has been hard enough on me remembering all the awful things I said and did to him. I am happy if he has found that someone to complete him, to love him like I was not able to.

A piece of my heart did hope he would still love me in some way, at least as a friend.

"Bella?" A deep voice resonates from behind me.

My eyes widen and I spin around quickly.

"Quil?" I ask incredulously.

He chuckles. "Yeah it's me standing right in front you."

I rush to jump into his arms with a huge grin on my face. His scent is familiar now and I love it so much because it reminds me of the forest surrounding my home.

"Oof! Easy there…you have gained like a French fry or two since I last saw you," he laughs.

I swat his shoulder. "You know, you may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but you are still my favorite color," I smile widely at him.

"Ha-ha, smart ass," he shakes his head smiling back at me.

The awkward moment comes when he is still holding me past the boundary line that is marked at 'friends'.

I clear my throat and wiggle out of his arms as he also sets me down. I tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.

I notice he is dressed to perfection in black slacks and a nice wine colored button down dress shirt and a tie.

"So, um…what brings you here? I didn't know you were coming. It is actually not even a day you and Seth usually come. Where is Seth? You look really...handsome, what is the special occasion?"

He chuckles. "Well if you would allow me to get a word in I can answer your first question. And thanks."

I feel like an ass. "Oh right. Sorry."

He shoves his hands into his pockets. "I actually came alone. I was in the area because I have a closing on a house in Port Angeles and I have a list of my to-do things and on that list is getting my pocket watch fixed at my jeweler in Port A. but I can't seem to find it. Old Quil gave that to me a few years ago as some rite of passage or something, it has been in my family for like years; some great piece of heirloom passed down from generations, you know all that boring stuff, anyways; the last time I remember I had it was the first day we came to visit you with Charlie and Sue. I didn't even realize it was missing because it actually stopped working earlier that day. So, today I finally remembered it and thought I should cross it off my list but then like I said, I come to realize I don't even have it," he finishes his long explanation nervously.

"Oh."

I did forget I had stored it away and he never did ask for it the times after that day he came to visit. Did he not want to come visit me on his own accord anymore? Is this why he seems nervous because he doesn't know how to break the news to me? The thought saddens me.

Well, if this is the last day he is here I might as well make the most of it, and speak to him a bit more before bidding a final farewell.

The inner child comes out in me and I devise a plan to make him work to get the pocket watch back.

"Well how much time do you have? I mean…uh, before you have to head to your closing? Maybe I can help you look for it, we can ask around. I'm sure someone must have found it and put it in the lost and found," I shrug.

"Oh yeah sure, if you don't mind doing that, I would be grateful and if you happen to find it, then I would owe you a big one."

"Uh…yeah sure."

For some reason with his statement Johanna pops into my mind. I shoo away those thoughts.

We tread over to the lost and found area. I ask the nurses what we are looking for and they don't know anything about a pocket watch. They allow us to look in a room where they store all the things they find around the facility that has no owner.

We begin to dig through some of the boxes.

"So…how have you been?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Good. It's been crazy at work as you probably know from my note I sent you in the last care package Sue sent you."

"Oh yeah, I did get that. That's good though. That must mean business is going well for you?"

He nods and slightly laughs. "Yeah it is."

"Um…cool," I reply as I smile at him.

There is a few moments of pure silence between us. I can attest that silence is never golden. Whoever came up with that stupid phrase was sure as shit wrong.

"Okay, what's up? Why are you acting so weird?" He stops his searching to look at me.

"What? You are crazy. I'm not acting weird. You are the one acting weird," I glance over at him.

We stand still looking at each other for a few seconds. The both of us quirk our lips into a smile and begin to laugh in hysterics.

"You are one weird girl you know that?" He smirks.

"Oh yeah, like I am the one who explodes into a giant dog on the whim, and you call me weird? I don't think so," I chortle.

He snorts. "Alright, so you have a point there."

"Yeah well…um, anyways, the watch has to be here somewhere," I continue the search digging in the boxes.

"So what have you been up to? How are things going with everything? Anything new?"

"Hmm? Oh…you mean with therapy or just my stay here? As far as the stay here, it's alright. I'm happy to be going home in three weeks. So I guess that has me kind of excited. I can't wait to be in my old house and my old room. The familiar part is what I miss most you know," I shrug.

"Yeah? Why only kind of excited?" He ignores everything else I said between all that except the small comment.

"Oh…well, I don't know… - ugh…I actually do know but I don't want to bore you with that," I wave him off.

"Try me," he looks up at me.

I sigh and pretend to continue my search for the pocket watch. "Well you know…because of Jacob. I'm scared of facing him still but I am prepared to do so. I know I have to at some point. The sooner I get it over with and know what he feels about me, the sooner I will be able to get the past behind me if that is indeed what he wants me to do."

"I see, well why the sudden courage to face him 'little engine that could'?" He snickers.

I purse my lips and roll my eyes at him. "Well, if you must know…the last therapy session I had I-I…I spoke about Jacob and Edward. I just let it all out and I feel…free. I can actually say Edward's name now without wanting to slit my wrists," I laugh.

"Sometimes your dark humor amazes me," he shakes his head.

"Really? It doesn't bother you?" I ask raising a brow.

"No, why would it bother me? It just shows how much character you have and that you can find humor in this situation."

I shrug. "Anyways, as I was saying, so my therapist thinks I am all ready to have this face-to-face with Jacob after all we spoke about in my session and I think I am too. I just hope it is as easy as it sounds."

"I'm sure it will all turn out fine."

I ask cautiously, "Has he said anything about me?"

"Mmm, not really, at least not to me; I don't know about any of the other guys. Jacob keeps his thoughts well protected and if anything, I really don't like to probe the minds of the others. It is just not my thing you know. I hate it enough that they are in my head as much as I am in theirs. We like to have some privacy, you know?"

"Oh yeah, that's understandable. Sorry for asking."

"Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am just being honest. Look, if I did know something I probably would not tell you anyways only because it is not my place to say anything but I really don't know what is going on in his mind about you."

I nod. "I just hope he can forgive me. I know I hurt him immensely. The things I said to him were not nice and if he hates me I don't blame him."

"I know that he still cares for you and if he loves you like he proclaimed all those years ago, he will find it in his heart to let you back into his life."

"Yeah, you are right. I just…I don't know. Things with Edward were so intense and I made stupid mistakes that made everyone around me suffer. I know Jacob suffered so much when I was with Edward. I thought I needed them both at the time and could not bear to be without either one. Do I still feel that need for both? I don't need Edward to survive like I used to think so. Do I need Jacob to survive? No. But I think I do need him as a friend. We have been best friends since kids, you know that."

I pause briefly before deciding to tell him this piece of information.

"I don't know if he ever told you but…I told him I did love him the day I left. I just realized it too late. I still love him. Those feelings never went away. I would take anything he would offer me if he does want me in his life. But if he just decides to completely turns his back on me, the thought of that hurts…I know if he does decide to never want to befriend me I would not be angry with him because I turned my back on him and I know I probably deserve it in return."

"Bella, if you really need him, fate will not let you lose him. Fate will bring him back. It may not be soon, but he will come back. You can't hold onto anything that wants to go. You just got to love while you got it, and that is that. There is not much else you can do about it. And he didn't tell us about the day you left; we all saw it in his mind. But I don't pass judgment on you, you did what you felt what you had to do. Do you think fate would have allowed you to return here if there was not something great planned for you? The important thing is you are back and that you want to be our Bella again," He smiles.

"No, I'm not going to be that old unappreciative naïve little girl. I'm going to be a new and improved Bella once I get out of here. You will see," I laugh.

Quil chuckles. "Just as long as you keep the good parts of the old Bella in your heart, don't change too much. Otherwise I would have to get to know you all over again."

I bite my bottom lip as the blush stains my cheeks. "You are too sweet. Thanks. I promise I will still be me…but a new me, if that makes sense," I shake my head in amusement.

"Yeah. It does."

"I don't know…love is just a big mess you can get wrapped up in. Word of advice, don't fall in love," I snort.

"Bella, don't give up on love. Just because it didn't work with one person, does not mean it will not work with the next one. Your mistakes don't dictate where you are heading; they only remind you of where you have been and teach you to appreciate the people in your life while they are around, just look at it that way," he says sincerely.

Wow. I am surprised by all of Quil's words or enlightenment. I am so comfortable with him and the conversation flows so easily between us.

I narrow my eyes at him and rest a hand on my hip. "Yeah, someday, somewhere, someone, will be my prince charming and he will take me away," I state sarcastically rolling my eyes.

"What? You don't believe me when I talk about all this love stuff? I have never been in love, at least I don't think so, but I know what I am telling you," he winks at me.

"You are a player; you want ass and nothing more. I am a woman; I want true love and nothing less. Those are two big differences between men and women," I retort.

He scoffs. "I resent that. You are so wrong. That is not even right," Quil shakes his head laughing.

"Look, here's an inside scoop into the mind of a man; guys may be flirting around all day and shit but before they rest their head on that pillow at night, before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about and that is what really matters," he shrugs.

I glance at him.

"Smooth Romeo, so what about you then; is that the position you are in right now? You apparently have all the right things to say today to indicate you may be feeling actual love for someone."

Quil purses his lips and his eyebrows scrunch together as he pauses to think for a moment. I would have thought he would be quick to respond.

"I don't know. I just…right now I am just going through my day-to-day life. I don't even have a steady girlfriend or whatever. But I do hope someday I find something that lights up the sky, slows down time…that is what I am hoping to find anyways," Quil sort of finishes his brief explanation. "Ah, well…um…look, I am not a perfect person but when I care about someone, I care with all my heart. So I guess that should tell you something."

His face turns almost the color of his shirt.

"Gotcha and those are very sweet words to say Quil; any girl that finds you and claims you as hers will be the luckiest girl in the world," I compliment him in all honesty. "I certainly can't say the same for myself. I am fucked up as it is with the whole mess I created; there is no need for me to be fucking up anyone else's life. For some reason the divine powers above that control this human existence on Earth decided to make my life hard and not give me a happy ending. I just have to learn to be on my own and not expect that prince charming to save me," I laugh to myself.

Quil places his warm hand on my shoulder and I turn to look at him.

"Life is hard Bella, it is supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we would never learn anything."

I slightly frown at the truth he speaks.

He continues, "I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody is going to come and save you, you have to save yourself and once you do that and realize the person you truly are deep down in your heart, everything that is supposed to happen will fall into place," he smiles and his deep brown eyes sparkle with comforting warmth. "And smile, nobody falls in love with a frown," he taps my chin gently with his hand.

My lips turn upwards into cheesy grin. "Thanks," I breathe out.

He glances at the clock on the wall. "Oh shit, it's getting late. I am going to have to run. I don't think the pocket watch is in any of these boxes. If I could sniff it out I would but unfortunately it doesn't have a unique scent…like you."

"Um…you smell me?" I laugh.

"Well how do you think I found you in this place when I first arrived here today?"

"Well I hope I don't smell bad then," I chuckle.

"...er, that came out wrong. Of course you don't smell bad; what I mean is...you have a…illustrious pleasant scent," he nods.

"Oh." I feel the hue of my blush tint my cheeks again. "Well, um…thanks."

I halt the slight awkwardness that wants to enter the room. "Come on, I have to pass by my room really quick but I will walk you out."

"Sure."

We walk to my room and I enter as Quil waits by the door. I open my nightstand drawer and dig into my stuff. I finally find the pocket watch that belongs to him and grab it, holding it securely in my palm.

I walk back to the door and we walk to the lobby area in comfortable silence.

"Hey thanks for talking to me. I appreciate it," I thank him.

"I had fun. It was nice wasn't it?" He smiles.

"Here catch," I remark. I toss the pocket watch and his quick reflexes catch it before it hits the ground.

I giggle.

He looks at the heirloom and glances back up at me. "You had it this whole time?"

I cross my arms. "Yeah I did. I just thought I would make you work for it, seeing that you probably will not be coming back to see me."

"What? What would make you think that?"

"I don't know. I just got that vibe from you earlier," I shrug.

He smiles. "Bella, if I didn't want to see you anymore I would tell you. I am the most honest guy you can find. Trust me when I say that. And it is not that I purposely gave THAT vibe…I just – um…well, I uh…I just...getnervouswhenIamaroundyou."

He mumbles out the last part and my eyes widen at his revelation. He rubs the back of his neck in an anxious gesture.

"Oh. OH. Sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I just thought…you – well I thought this was like your final good-bye or something. So I at least wanted to talk to you as much as I could and just thought of my plan to just play a game on you to keep you here as long as possible, that is all," I disclose all my thoughts.

He shakes his head and has an amused expression on his face. "Bella, you don't need to play games to keep me here. Just ask me to stay and I will. And I am still coming to visit you. I just…well, you know what I said a few minutes ago and work has been a bitch."

He looks down at his shoes like they are the most interesting objects in the room.

"Well yeah, now I know." I rub my arm aimlessly.

He finally looks up at me, "I have to go but in all honestly, I would stay if I could."

"Yeah I understand," I respond with a stupid smile on my face.

He embraces me into a hug and his scent dissipates any anxiety or nervousness I felt moments ago.

"I promise this will not be the last time you will see me, okay?" He softly whispers.

I nod as we release from the hug. He turns and begins to walk to the exit doors.

"Hey Quil?" I call after him.

He stops and turns. "Yeah?"

"What does that engraving say on the back of the pocket watch?" I ask curiously.

He raises his eyebrows. "That my friend is a story for another time!" he shouts back at me and winks before he sprints out of the doors and disappears from my view.

I shake my head laughing. Quil always seems to placate any anxiety I feel and relaxation is all that flows through me now.

I am content with the day's events and walk to my room to prepare for my therapy session in higher spirits than before.

* * *

"How have you been doing from our last session?"

"I have been good, surprisingly. I didn't think I would be able to take it so well after talking it all out about Edward and Jacob."

"That is good though. It means you are finally going to that place where you no longer suffer the pain from those relationships. You are moving on and healing."

"Yes. I comprehend that now. I am glad to be moving past that," I nod as I lay in the familiar but comfy chaise lounge in her office.

"Bella, today I want to try the hypnotherapy technique to be able to delve into your subconscious mind to interpret those dreams you had a few weeks ago. Would that be okay with you to start today?" Dr. Lehman inquires.

"Mmm, I am a bit nervous about it," I state honestly while biting my bottom lip.

"Why do you feel nervous about it?"

I sigh. "I am afraid of what will come out of those dreams. I guess that is the point of why I suppressed them for so long. I am scared of what I will have to face, what I will have to remember from my time in Florida with Brian…and it terrifies me."

My eyes begin to well up with tears.

"Bella, this is the last part of your treatment. I understand how you may feel, if you think you are not ready to face this, then we do not have to do it just yet but we will have to do it at some point."

I sigh again. "No, no…I think I am ready. I am just scared is all," I shrug.

"Are you positive? When we explore into your psyche and find out what these dreams really represent, it can be painful, it can be scary for some; it can bring back the feelings of that time. I want you to be one hundred percent certain you are ready for this," Dr. Lehman reiterates.

"Yes. I am ready," I state acquiescently.

"Alright. Well then, let us get started, shall we?" The doctor smiles at me.

I nod.

"Get in a comfortable sitting position as much as you can in the chaise lounge. Ensure you do not cross your legs or any part of your body," Dr. Lehman advises.

"Okay," I shift my body to get as comfortable as possible and relax my arms to my sides and keep my legs straight before me.

"Close your eyes and work to rid your mind of any feelings of fear, stress, or anxiety. You might find it difficult not to think. You may find that thoughts keep intruding. When this happens, don't try to force the thoughts out. Observe them impartially, and then let them slip away," the doctor instructs.

I purse my lips trying to stifle my giggle. This is only seen in movies and I can't believe I am going through this.

"Bella, this is serious. You have to take this serious if you want this to work," the doctor scolds nicely as she possibly can.

"Right, sorry," I reply.

"Okay, recognize the tension in your body. Beginning with your toes, imagine the tension slowly falling away from your body and vanishing. Imagine it freeing each body part one at a time starting with your toes and working its way up your body. Visualize each part of your body becoming lighter and lighter as the tension is removed. Relax your toes, then your feet. Continue with your calves, thighs, hips, stomach and so on, until you have relaxed each portion, including your face and head. We are going to use imagery techniques of something you find comforting or soothing, such as water; feel the water rushing over your feet and ankles, cleansing them of tension."

I begin to relax as the doctor instructs me to do so. I feel the nervousness in my body, any thoughts I have of this not working, I slowly shut them off and begin to free my mind. I begin to let the tension out of my body and visualize the beautiful sparkling river in the luscious green forest I stand in front of.

"Take slow, deep breaths. When you exhale, see the tension and negativity leaving in a dark cloud. As you inhale, see the air returning as a bright force filled with life and energy."

I can still hear the doctor's voice as I am in the world of my subconscious mind.

"Appreciate the fact that you are now extremely relaxed. Imagine you are at the top of a flight of ten stairs which at the fifth step you start to submerge into the water. Picture every detail of this scene from the top to the bottom. Tell yourself that you are going to descend the stairs, counting each step down, starting at ten. Picture each number in your mind. Imagine that each number you count is further down and one step closer to the bottom.

After each number, you will feel yourself drifting further and further into deep relaxation. As you take each step, imagine the feel of the step under your feet. Once you are at the fifth step imagine and truly feel the refreshing coolness of the water and tell yourself that you are stepping into an oasis of purity and cleanliness."

I slowly walk in the river and the cold water comes up to my ankles at first. It feels wonderful against my skin as the water cleanses my feet of the debris of the forest leaves and dirt. The small pebbles under my feet don't hurt at all. They are cool and soothing to the touch.

"As you begin to descend the last five steps, start to feel the water getting higher and higher up your body. You should now start to feel somewhat numb and your heart will start to race a bit, but notice it and let any qualms about the situation just drift away into the water."

I feel my body under the deep depths of the river but I can still breathe. It is not bothersome in the least. I can't feel anything around me at all anymore.

"At this point at the bottom of the water you should not really feel anything; just a floating sensation, you may even feel like you are spinning."

I can see clearly underneath the gleaming blue water.

"Can you still hear me Bella?"

"Yes," I faintly mumble out.

I see a few objects surrounded by a dim glowing light at the other end of the deep water.

"Start to picture three boxes under the water that you have to swim to get to; once you have found the boxes open them slowly one at a time and narrate to yourself what is happening when you open the box."

Dr. Lehman's voice gets further and further away now.

I swim effortlessly, moving along under the water like a mermaid that dances so gracefully under the ocean like you see in the movies, to the figures and come upon three ancient looking brown chests before me.

I move to the first box and run my fingers along the carpentry. The wood is soft to the touch under the water. It is exquisite in its antiquated design.

I lift open the top and move back quickly as a radiant light bursts from the chest engulfing me.

_"Bella, I don't want you to see that…that no good for nothing loser!"_

_"Mom, I am going to do whatever I please. I am eighteen years old and can do whatever I want now. I didn't move back here for you to treat me like a ten year old again. I left Forks for that specific reason; I don't need anyone telling me what to do or how to live my life anymore!" I argue with Renée._

_"Honey, I know what I am telling you – this guy is nothing but trouble, I can see it! He can plaster a fake smile and put up façade all he wants with you but he is not fooling me! You were doing OK when you first arrived here four months ago; now your grades are slipping to the point where you have already failed two classes. This is not why you moved over here, to spiral even more out of control. I am trying to do the best job as a parent by just looking out for my only daughter, Bella!" Renée argues back standing by my room door._

_"You don't even know Brian! You are just judging him because he is older than me and likes to have fun and not waste his time on ridiculous shit like school that we probably will not even need later on in life. I mean, it is all the same anyways; you go to school and get your degree and end up working at some inane office job. I can do that on my own without having to waste my time in a boring class." I move around my room to my dresser as I pull out a sexy revealing top to wear for the party tonight._

_"Bella, he is going to lead you down a path of destruction, why can't you see it? Why do you choose to be so oblivious to all the signs? I know he is doing some sort of drug! I can see it in his eyes when he comes to pick you up. And the way he treats you? I have seen some of the bruises you have come home with. That is no way to be treated by a boyfriend who loves you Bella," Renée pleads her case trying to make me understand._

_I turn around and scowl at Renée. "It is really none of your business what relationship Brian and I have or what we do. There is nothing you can say that can change my mind about him. I am going to go out with him as much as I want to. Why can't you understand that I am not a little kid anymore?" I yell throwing my hands up in aggravation._

_"I am just trying to protect you from getting hurt anymore than you have been. I know what you are going through is not easy Bella. I know how much you still love Ed –."_

_I cut her off quickly._

_"Don't fucking say his name! Don't you dare fucking bring him up! He has nothing to do with this. I told you I am over him! I left everything of him back in Forks! What do you know about love or heart break anyways? Are not you the one who left dad? You left him to be a selfish bitch and live your own life! You don't think I still resent you for running away and leaving me with him? You left Charlie to raise me all on his own. What kind of a mother are you? You are not one! So don't go trying to redeem yourself now by wanting to give me motherly advice when you have not even been in my life for the past seventeen years!" I scream furiously._

_Renée is silent but the tears begin to mist her eyes. I know my cruel words pierce her heart but it is the only way to make her leave me alone._

_"Bella…I – you know that is not true. I have always called and flown you down here whenever you wanted to come see me. I have tried to be the best mother I could be when your father and I divorced. Those are hurtful things to say and you know I have always done my best to be there for you when you needed me."_

_I snort cynically._

_"Which was never, I never needed you. I only called you because Charlie would force me to. I hate you for what you did to dad. I hate you for what you did by leaving me! I hate you for breaking up our family! Iam only here because now that you have your rich husband I expected you to be like those other pathetic rich housewives wasting away their lives in alcohol because their famous husband's are out banging their assistants. I don't need you in my life. I don't need your help. The first chance I get I am moving out of this shitty place. You think just because now you have a huge house and all the money in the world I will finally be happy here? With you? I would not get your hopes up," I cross my arms waiting for Renée to challenge my words._

_"Bella, I understand you are angry and hurt right now. I still love you no matter what you say. I am here for you whenever you need me, please remember that," Renée sniffles and walks out of my room._

_I feel horrible for the words I spew at her. What the fuck is wrong with me? The only woman in my life that I am supposed to trust who is willing to be there for me; I push further and further away and I relinquish any hope I have to be helped by her…because of him._

The chest closes shut and I realize now the chests hold my memories I conceal and abolish. How could I be so heartless towards my mother? How could I have doubted her? She was right in everything she told me.

I float to the second chest and lift it open, the same luminous light from the first chest bursts out and I am swallowed in it.

_I turn the key and open the front door._

_"Shh, don't make too much noise, you will wake the rich snobby neighbors and they will call the police if they so much as see a stray cat around here," I laugh inebriated._

_I stumble into the dark house with Brian behind me, closing the door once we are both inside._

_"Where is your mom?" Brian slightly slurs as he plops down on the sofa._

_"Away for the weekend, she went with my step-dad to one of his games or some shit like that. Who knows," I shrug taking off my jacket and throwing it on the sofa._

_"I know where she hides the liquor. Shall we keep the party going in my room?" I muse at him as I make my way into the kitchen._

_"Fuck yeah," Brian stands to walk into the kitchen where I stand near the cabinet grabbing the vodka bottle and two shot glasses._

_He grabs my waist with on hand and moves my hair out of the way with the other as he kisses my neck. My cheeks tinge from the color of my blush._

_I turn my head slightly. "Come on; let's go upstairs to my room. We can hang out there."_

_We rush upstairs laughing and giggling from the semi-drunken stupor we are both in. We finally reach my room and enter. I place the shot glasses down and pour us each a shot._

_I lift mine and signal for Brian to grab his._

_"We drink to us. Fuck everyone else," I clank my glass to his and throw back the shot as does he; we both 'ahh' as it stings through our nostrils and throat after swallowing the odorless and tasteless liquid of pure alcohol._

_We set our glasses down._

_Brian walks towards me as he wraps his arms around my waist, pressing his lips to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck and open my mouth, inviting him in as his tongue engulfs mine in a hungry and hard kiss._

_He walks us forward until I feel the back of my legs brush against the bed behind me. He forcefully pushes me back against the bed and climbs on top of me, settling in-between my legs as he continues to kiss me._

_"Wait…," I mumble against his lips._

_"What? What is it?" he whispers moving his lips to my jaw-line as he nips and sucks all along down to my neck._

_"Brian…I don't want to do this, not yet," I swallow hard._

_He continues to roughly move his mouth along my collar bone moving slowly down to my breasts._

_"S-stop…I said I am not ready," I try to push him off me._

_He lifts his head up, his eyes gaze into my face._

_"What? Why not? We have been going out for three fucking months already. You have done this before, it's not like you are a virgin," he says irritated._

_"I know but I…that time was a mistake and I just want to take things slow, please?" I bite my bottom lip._

_"So you will fuck some random asshole at a frat party but you won't fuck your own boyfriend?" he spits angrily._

_"Brian – t-that is not what it is like; you know that. I was being reckless at that stupid party. It was before I even met you! I told you about it so you would not expect anything from me!" I raise my voice._

_"Fuck Bella, three fucking months we have been together and you won't even give me a fucking blow job. At least give me something!"_

_He lifts himself off of me and I also sit up to face him._

_"I-I am sorry. Brian, I j-just can't. Please understand; I want to be with you. You make me feel better, meeting you when I moved here has been great, and we have fun together right?"_

_"Bella I'm not going to be your lap dog like that prick you always talk about from wherever you moved here from," he remarks in anger._

_"What are you talking about? He has nothing to do with us. Why would you even bring him up? And I never said you were my lap dog, shit if that is all you want from me then we better just end this now," I shift around to move off the bed._

_Brian grabs my arm roughly to stop me. "Is that why you won't fuck me? Because of that asshole you always seem to have on your mind and constantly cry about?" His anger flares in his eyes._

_"No! You are fucking crazy you know that? Get out!" I yell as I try to pull myself away from him._

_Brian strikes me across the face with the back of his hand._

_I gasp and the only thing I feel is the stinging on my cheek from the slap inflicted on me. I realize I am lying back down on the bed._

_"Tonight, I'm going to make you mine. You're going to give me what I fucking want, whether you like it or not," he declares infuriated._

_"N-no…please," I cry._

_Brian settles on top of me and grips my wrists above my head. My heart begins to race and thud loudly in my ears. This can't be happening, he will not do this. He can't._

_"Brian s-stop…,"_

_"Shut your mouth, we're going to do it my way now."_

_I begin to shout but he covers my mouth with one of his hands to muffle my screams. I struggle against him and try to wriggle free. I try to kick my legs but it is useless, he is bigger and stronger than I am and his hand grips my wrist tight._

_He releases his other hand from my mouth and covers my mouth with his in a forceful kiss._

_He pulls back. "Don't make a fucking sound because if you scream I will fucking choke you, do you understand? You wouldn't want me to have to hurt you, right?" he whispers darkly._

_I nod as my lips tremble._

_"You prance around me all the time in those slutty clothes, maybe you shouldn't have worn that dress tonight. How do you expect me to not want to fuck you when I'm man after all? I'll give you something that you won't forget after tonight. Now, I'm going to release your wrists but you better not fucking move," he hisses._

_I nod again, my body shakes under his._

_Brian lowers his head to the crook of my neck pressing his nose hard against my skin and inhales deeply. "You smell so fucking good."_

_He begins kissing me callously; his hands move to the front of my dress ripping it open._

_I whimper and control myself to not scream. I can taste the wicked in the room._

_My body is spread partially naked on the sheets. He moves his hands up and down my bare sides and over my breasts._

_"You're skin looks so tight, feels so good; I just might have to taste you my little whore," his eyes are sinister, his face is one I have never seen._

_The tears are freely flowing down my face. I close my eyes and pretend I am elsewhere. Not here, not where this is happening._

_I scream internally, I hurt emotionally, and no one is able to hear my plea._

_His hands move lower over my navel and rest between my thighs. I squirm around and slightly struggle against him again._

_"Stop. Moving." He grits his teeth._

_He unbuttons his jeans, lowering his boxers. He aggressively removes my panties and hoists up my dress. He grabs my knees and forcibly parts my legs open_

_I continue to want to scream for help. My whimpers are louder and the copious tears run down my face._

_"P-please don't…" I implore._

_"We're about to do a beautiful thing," he whispers coldly._

_I try to move around and upwards to get away._

_He grabs my chin in a strong grip. "Relax baby," the words come out uncaring from him. I stop my struggle to get away._

_"That's a good girl. Bella, you're like my work of art that I can control and contort into any position that I wish. Now I'm about to make my fantasy into reality so be a good little bitch and take it," he whispers viciously._

_Those are his last words before he buries himself all the way in me. I gasp from the pain; he is unforgiving in his forceful and brusque thrusts. Each thrust is more volatile than the last._

_I begin to sob louder than before, shaking my head. My hands fiercely grip the bed sheets._

_"Don't struggle, hold still. It'll be over soon," he grunts._

_Brian continues to violate my body as I lay there motionless. Whatever is left of me dies on the bed under us. I am drowning deeper into the mess I have created for myself._

_He rests his body lower on mine now, I can't move at all because of his weight. Brian obscures his face in my neck. He moves hard and severe within me with his sharp unsympathetic movements, possessing this body that is no longer mine. His breathing is quick and shallow._

_The sensation of him sliding in and out of me is vile and degrading. There is no pleasure here, no comfort, and no love._

_"You feel so fucking good," he moans desperately._

_The hot moist tears continue to stream down my face. I silently take the defilement forced on me. My soul will be gone by the morning; I will no longer exist anymore._

_The final moment arrives as Brian finds his release. He lets out a long and low groan. The sadistic pleasure on his face and the thought and feeling of him pouring himself inside of me makes my stomach lurch with unadulterated nausea._

_He collapses beside me as if this is not a huge ordeal._

_I feel confused, helpless and ashamed. This is my entire fault. This isn't supposed to turn out like this._

_I lay still, staring through my blurry vision at the ceiling. I feel the viscous warm fluid trickle down between my thighs._

_He didn't wear a condom._

_Maybe this is what I deserve for all that has gone wrong. For all the pain I cause everyone around me._

_Maybe it is time for me to learn what true pain feels like._

I open my eyes as the chest closes shut once more.

The realization hits me hard. This is the reason I don't want to remember any of these things. Instead of the situation getting better, they seem to get worse with each chest I open.

Do I want to even know what dark secrets lay in the third chest?

I have come this far, all the progress I have made will be in vain if I decide to give up now. I must face the demons head on; going backwards is not an option for me.

I swim to the last chest, the one holding the last memory I struggle to remember. The chest opens and the incandescent light overcomes me one last time.

_"I am not going to stay here. I am leaving with Brian to Miami and that is final. You can't change my mind, we have been through this already; so strop trying!" I yell at Renée. _

_"Bella! You just found out that you are pregnant! He doesn't even love you, why would you want to be tied to someone like that; someone who abuses you physically and not to mention how this pregnancy was conceived. That is not love! I don't understand why you didn't want to report the police what happened!" Renée yells back._

_"It is none of your fucking business what happens to me! I can take care of myself. Whatever I decide to do with Brian is not your concern. I have said this over and over again. Nothing happened that I didn't want to happen, alright? I have told you already, so stop your bitching and leave me alone!" I pace around my room and gather my things, throwing them in my luggage._

_"I know the stuff he is involved in and I know all the things he has gotten you into now. This is no life to bring a child into Bella; you have to get yourself into rehab to get clean and sober. With all the drugs you do, it will harm the baby; think about it!"_

_I turn to glare at her. "You don't know shit. So just shut up already."_

_"Please, just hear me out. This will be a child. Are you ready to take care of a responsibility like that? Is Brian ready? Have you even told him that you are pregnant?"_

_I ignore her interrogation as I angrily continue to throw my clothes in my bags._

_Renée's eyes widen in disbelief. "You have not told him have you? Bella, you are two months along, when do you plan on telling him?"_

_I exhale in frustration. "I don't know! Just…that is my problem OK!"_

_"You have options. If you want to keep it, fine! Stay here. Phil and I will help you raise it. It is not too late if you choose abortion. Adoption is something you can think about too; we will support you with whatever decision you make! Just don't go with him Bella, you can't be with Brian. I am terrified that he will harm you and this time he will either kill you physically or emotionally," Renée says exasperated._

_I blow out a breath rubbing the sides of my temple with my hands._

_"Mom, I'm keeping it. I want this child but it will also need its father. The right opportunity has not come up yet which is why I have not told him. I will tell him when the time is right. I know Brian has his moments and…I-I, I don't blame him. He had a rough childhood too. Maybe…maybe with this baby he will change. He can change, I know he will. And I will not tear apart my family like you did to us."_

_I grab my bags and walk out of the room. Renée runs after me and grabs my arm._

_"Let go, Brian is waiting outside for me," I peer down at her hand and back up into her eyes._

_"Bella, I am pleading with you as your mother, I know I messed up too by not being the parent you thought I should have been but please think of this baby. Don't you want it to have a better life than you had? You can change everything that was wrong with us with this child._

_Think of the life it will have if you allow Brian to be in its life. You don't want a person like Brian around your child, even if he is the father. Now, I-I am asking you as this baby's grandmother and your mother; do not go," Renée struggles to get her words out as her voice trembles with aguish and tears run down her face._

_"Someone already tried to dictate my life. I will not be subjected to that again."_

_I pull away running down the stairs and out the front door._

**Three Months Later**

_I sit on the bed with my laptop searching the internet for baby cribs._

_The room door suddenly swings open as Brian barges in haste, furious at something. He trudges to the closet searching for something on the top shelf._

_I close the browser I am looking at quickly and turn off the laptop altogether. I set it aside._

_I do plan on telling Brian about the baby but I have yet to mention it. He is still so violent and I just think…maybe, he will get his shit together before I tell him._

_As I grow bigger each day it is difficult to keep it hidden. We have not been intimate either aside from the occasional oral sex I perform on him to keep him off me._

_"What's wrong? What are you looking for?" I ask him._

_"That mother fucker Cameron didn't pay me the full amount of what he owes me. There's $2,000.00 missing from the envelope he half-assed delivered to me last night. I didn't bother to fucking check until earlier today. So I'm going to teach that poor fuck a lesson that when he owes money, especially to me, his sorry ass better pay up. I'm not a fucking drug company to give out free samples and shit," he yells._

_"Calm down, what are you looking for?" I ask again._

_"Fuck Bella! Just shut the fuck up already. God damn, you ask too many fucking questions!"_

_I flinch at his harsh words._

_He continues to dig around for something on the top shelf. One of my small boxes falls over, spilling its entire contents it held onto the floor. The box has all my old pictures and trinkets I put away from my past life in Forks._

_"Fucking shit!" Brian shouts._

_I scoot to get off the bed and stand._

_"It's alright, I will pick up the mess, just leave it," I tell him calmly._

_I walk around the room and realize he is crouching down to pick up the stuff._

_"What the fuck is this shit anyway?" He asks as he looks at some of the pictures._

_"Oh, just old pictures and stuff from high school, nothing important," I shrug._

_Something finally clicks in my brain and I realize what I have hidden in that box, never imagining Brian would ever decide to look there._

_It is too late before I can gather the things myself._

_"Bella…what the fuck is this?" He abruptly asks._

_"What?" I pretend to not know._

_"What the fuck is this!" He raises his voice._

_In his hand he grips the black and white ultrasound photo of our baby. I hid it in the box two weeks ago when I had gone to my last doctor visit; the day I found out I am having a boy._

_"I-I…um…," I am speechless. I don't know what to say. This is not the way I want him to find out._

_"Bella, answer me god damn it! What the fuck is this shit?" He grips the small delicate photo tighter in his hand._

_I start to walk towards him._

_"Brian…I-I, I was going to t-tell you but n-not like this. I'm…I'm p-pregnant. I'm five months, I f-found out before we moved to Miami. I was j-just waiting for the right time to t-tell you, I swear. I know you have been stressed and all…I-I just didn't want t-to put any more pressure on y-you," I stutter my words out quickly hoping he understands._

_His temper flames and he almost shakes from the anger._

_"You've been hiding this shit from me for five fucking months!" He screams._

_My hands fidget nervously at my sides. Brian rises from the floor and walks closer to me._

_He grabs the back of my neck roughly and pulls me to him. "Why did you hide it from me?" He asks harshly._

_"I-I…I don't know. I j-just thought you would get upset. Brian please…look at the picture. He's your son, our son," my tears spill over my eyes as I frantically try to calm him down by assuring him the baby is his._

_I can see the wheels spinning in his head furiously by his look._

_"Bullshit Bella!" He seethes._

_My eyes widen in shock at his response._

_"Wh-what?" I reply in surprise._

_"I said that's bullshit. You fucking bitch, if that was really my kid you would have fucking told me about it when you first found out!" He continues to yell._

_I am not able to react at all because he is too quick, the back of his hand flies across my face striking me into bewilderment._

_The pain and tears sting my eyes as I hold my hand to my cheek._

_"Brian…I-I didn't meant to keep it from you for so long, I swear. I-I'm s-sorry. Please understand," I whimper._

_"Who's the fuck is the little bastard? Did you fuck someone else before you moved with me here? Did you think I would take care of some other shit head's kid? No right, is that why you didn't fucking tell me!" He pulls my hair back in order for me to face him._

_"N-no! I swear Brian, he is yours. The baby is yours! We can take a paternity test if you want! You can even call Renée and ask her! This is the reason she was so adamant on me not moving with you! Please, you have to believe me!" I plead._

_Whatever I said pisses him off more. "What? Your mom fucking knew before I did? You're a fucking liar Bella! You stupid bitch, nobody would want you like this. Look at you, you're disgusting, that's why you came here with me. You thought I'd just welcome you with open arms after some other dickhead fucked you good?" he sneers._

_He releases me and paces back and forth gripping his head. He suddenly grabs the lamp on the nightstand and throws it across the room; it hits the wall shattering to pieces._

_I crouch down covering my ears and yelp._

_I feel the tugging on my hair as Brian pulls me up hard._

_"Ahhh," I whimper._

_"You think you're going to make a fucking fool out of me? You are fucking wrong. You better pray you live through tonight. I'm going to show you how to fucking respect me," he whispers darkly._

_"No-no…p-please! I said I was s-sorry! I didn't mean to not tell you, I didn't hide it on purpose – I swear! P-please, it is your baby, our son! You have to believe me; I would never lie to you about this!" I scream._

_His eyes are so full of hatred and rage. There is not a thing I can say to stop him or convince him that everything I say is true._

_As I am about to explain the night I think the baby was conceived, from one blink to the next I find myself on the ground. I don't feel the first blow to the face._

_I lay there panting as the abundant tears run a river down my face. My first instinct is to bring my hand to touch my abdomen._

_My mind is blank. I can't believe what is happening. There are no words to describe what I am feeling._

_The warm liquid flows heavily from my nose. I bring my fingers to touch it; I glance at my hand to see the red fluid smudged on my fingers._

_Brian stands above me as I lay on the floor helpless and vulnerable._

_He reaches down to grab my hand. I flinch at the contact._

_"Come here," he instructs calmly._

_I hesitate to grab a hold of his outstretched hand to me. "I'm not going to hurt you. Let me help you up."_

_I sniffle._

_I go against my instincts and decide to trust him. He helps me to my feet. I bow my head in shame for all that I have caused._

_Brian gently cups my left cheek and wipes the blood from my nose with his thumb._

_"Baby I'm sorry," He softly whispers._

_All I can do is whimper against him, my body shakes with fear. I weep silently feeling the vast amount of tears on my face._

_He cups my face in both of his hands and lowers his lips pressing them tenderly to mine. I allow him to kiss me._

_I think maybe he now realizes what he has done? I am not sure._

_His right hand glides down to my neck as he caresses my exposed skin, moving his hand slowly down to my shoulder. He trails kisses to the corner of my mouth, along my jaw and down to my neck._

_"I love you," he whispers against my sensitive skin._

_I don't say it back. I have never uttered those three sacred words to him. There are only two men in my life I have ever said those words to._

_He raises his head up to gaze into my red-rimmed puffy eyes._

_"You know that I love you, right?"_

_I nod as another sniffle emits from me._

_He smirks. "I'm sorry for hurting you."_

_He closes his eyes for a moment._

_I can't say anything to him. I am so frightened I don't know what to expect._

_Everything happens so quickly again but I see it all in slow motion; I am frozen in place and don't respond._

_Brian pulls his closed fist back and the immediate impact hits my abdomen; the air in my lungs instantly leaves me as I fall to the floor once again._

_I cry out in agony and my arms wrap around my belly to protect my child. I lay defenseless on the ground as the sharp pangs of pain shoot through my abdomen. My crumpled body desperately gasps for oxygen._

_I can't breathe let alone protect my body from Brian if he decides to continue his severe abuse._

_"If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you," He spits maliciously._

_I sob. "Wh-why?"_

_"Why? Because you're nothing but a filthy slut!" he screams towering over me._

_"P-please…he's your b-baby. You're going to kill him!" I shriek._

_He crouches down closer to me and whispers into my ear, "I don't fucking give a shit what you say. I don't fucking want it."_

_He stands up and paces back and forth._

_My hair covers my face as I peer above at him. I can't do anything now to protect myself. Renée had been right all along. I should have listened to her and stayed in Jacksonville._

_My eyes widen in horror when I see it, "NO! NO! NO! BRIAN DON'T!" I screech._

_My body goes numb and everything around me fades to black when his first brunt kick strikes my stomach. The torture and agony that my heart bleeds is merciless. The pain throbs throughout my entire being._

_It feels as its never ending when he continues to cruelly kick me over and over and over._

_"Who else did you fuck before we moved here? Tell me NOW!" I faintly hear his screams over my internal death._

_The life inside of me is all I care about at this moment. The tears stream silently down my face._

_Acute, sharp pangs of unbearable pain execute through my abdomen. He finally stops the brutal kicks he renders into me. I lay exposed and weak._

_"Nobody is going to take you the fuck away from me! Do you understand that? Not this fucking kid or anyone else it belongs to!" He yells._

_He pulls me up forcefully and I can barely stand._

_"Look at me when I fucking talk to you! Did you hear what I just said?"_

_There is nothing I can do to save myself, to save the child I carry. This may be the end. I will fight for my son, I will fight for myself._

_I nod. I can barely form coherent words. "You s-stupid fucking b-bastard…this…b-baby…would h-have kept me b-bound…to…y-you…for life," I stutter out breathlessly._

_Brian's fist collides with my face in an instant after my words leave my mouth._

_His continuous blows achieve what he wants as my face begins to bleed from my nose, mouth and lacerations from my temple._

_He grabs me by the neck and slams me against the wall. I slide down, collapsing onto the floor._

_My breathing is labored and the cramps hit me at full force. I double over in agony bawling in pain._

_"You're a worthless piece of shit! It's no wonder no one wanted you from where you came from, you're a useless whore that's only good for fucking!"_

_I ignore him as I struggle to crawl to the bathroom only a few feet away from me._

_"Where the fuck do you think you're going? I didn't tell you to move, did I?"_

_I finally make it closing the door behind me and locking it._

_I pull myself up on the sink and I can barely stand, my legs tremble beneath me willing my body to collapse._

_I peer down at my light colored pajama shorts; they are streaked crimson as the blood outflows my body and down my legs. I sob and heave many sighs._

_I turn on the faucet so I can attempt to cleanse some of the blood off my face and body._

_I stand in front of the white porcelain sink, peering down I watch the water tinged with blood flow down the drain. I glance up at my reflection in the mirror. The sanguine fluid runs down the side of my face from the head laceration. My face is flushed with perspiration, pinkish bruising shines around my eyes; the thick red fluid flows freely from my nose, over my grazed and swollen lips; seeping into her mouth mixing with my saliva._

_The tears come fast rolling down my face. I whimper in misery feeling the pain at full force now all over my body._

_A loud rancorous bang hits the door. I turn around to hear the pounding get louder and harder._

_"Open the fucking door now!" Brian screams._

_I don't move to open the door._

_"I said to open the fucking door now, Bella! I'm going to break it down if you don't open it in the next five fucking seconds!" The door knob jiggles as he tries to open it._

_I stand there in terror. My breathing increases as the banging turns into forceful thuds hitting against the door. He is going to break the door down._

_My crying turns into insuppressible wailing._

_The door swings open with a loud crack and bang hitting against the wall. Brian appears at the door in a state of extreme craze and his eyes are wild._

_"Didn't I tell you to open the fucking door? I didn't say you could walk away from me. I'm going to teach you a lesson so that next time, when I tell you to do something, you'll fucking do it, bitch!" He spits out viciously._

_I lean back against the sink, holding myself up with my hands as they rest on either side of it. My tears spill relentlessly._

_Brian trudges towards my direction in a fury. He is angry; his hands clenching at his sides into fists._

_"Please…no…I-I'm s-sorry," I sob out._

_He stands right in front of me, so close I can feel his breath on my face. Brian fists my hair in his hand, pulling it back hard._

_"Ahhh, p-please, stop!" I cry out in clemency._

_"When I fucking tell you to stay put, you fucking stay put; I didn't say you could come into the bathroom. I was asking you a fucking question when you walked away from me," his eyes are menacing, evil._

_"Look at you, you're disgusting," he sneers. "You're nothing but a fucking whore. Whose is it? Huh? Answer me….FUCKING ANSWER ME!" He roars._

_"Who was it that fucked you that good? Tell me NOW!"_

_I shake my head furiously._

_I gasp desperately for air. Brian has his hands around my throat, strangling me. I can feel him almost crushing my wind pipe. My hands rise quickly to grip each of his wrists to get him to stop. His body leans into mine; his vice grip will not release me._

_I try fighting for a breath again, "Pl-please," I barely manage to wheeze out._

_The tears stream down the sides of my face._

_I bring my fisted hands to hit his arms with all my strength and my legs flail wildly trying to kick him._

_The darkness starts to overtake my being; my eyelids are heavy as they begin to close._

_"I told you not to fuck around on me! What did I tell you if you ever tried to fuck me over? I'd fucking kill you! All you are is fucking cunt that likes to spread her legs for everyone," He whispers angrily into my ear._

_Brian releases his constricted hold on me, I collapse onto the cold floor; gasping for oxygen my lungs so desperately beg for. I clutch my throat as I wheeze and cough out inhaling deep breaths._

_I sob bringing my arms over my head to protect myself as I lay there. I cry out in agony, screaming for help, my sobs become shrieks as I tremble violently._

_I can't hold onto my consciousness any longer. The darkness consumes me and I black out._

* * *

_I open my eyes to fluorescent blinding lights. I see something over my face and the movement of whatever I am in has me in a daze._

_"Ma'am? Ma'am can you hear me?" A woman's voice echoes around me._

_"She is awake now. We need to hurry to the hospital; she will not make it if we don't get there in the next thirty minutes. I am not sure about the fetus. It may be too late, I could not get a heartbeat," I hear the woman speak._

_I become fully aware when I hear the blaring noise around me. It is a siren. I am in an ambulance._

_I unconsciously bring my hand to remove the plastic device from over my mouth and nose._

_"Ma'am, you can't take off the oxygen mask. You need it until we get to the hospital. We should be there in the next ten minutes."_

_I drop my hand limply to my side. The tears start to form and roll down from the corner of my eyes._

_The pain in my lower back and the cramps start all over again. I groan in agony._

_"Ma'am? Where does it hurt? Can you point to where it hurts?" The EMT asks._

_I can barely lift a finger to point to my pregnant abdomen._

_The EMT glances at another technician that is inside the ambulance with us. "She is having contractions. If we don't get to the hospital now, we will be delivering the fetus here."_

_The EMT pounds the metal wall. "We need to rush, stat!"_

_I whimper and groan as the pains intensify. The sharp cramps move from my back to the front of my lower abdomen._

_The ambulance comes to a stop and everything happens in a blur._

_The only thing I feel are the contractions hitting me at their full strength. I lay in a hospital bed as the white coats surround me._

_"Pl-please hurry," I barely mumble._

_I feel a wetness exude from between my legs._

_"There is no time to transfer her to the maternity ward. We are going to have to deliver the fetus in the E.R."_

_The pain intensifies a thousand times worse than before. I scream for someone to help me._

_"Miss, we are going to have to cut off your clothes and slip a hospital gown on you quickly, alright? The nurse will do it right now."_

_I gasp for air, breathing in and out desperately from the pain. I barely nod as the nurse works away._

_I grip onto the side rails of the bed as I cry out in distress. I am losing control of everything._

_"Wh-what's happening to me?" I yell._

_"Miss, relax and hold onto the side rails of the bed. Your baby is coming, so we will be delivering him or her in the next ten minutes it looks like," the doctor responds immediate but coolly._

_A nurse walks to my side and holds my hand. "It is alright sweetie, just relax, and breathe in and out. Don't over exert yourself, you will end up hyperventilating. Can you tell me your name?"_

_I nod closing my eyes, "Bella," I gasp out. I obey her instructions breathing in and out continuously._

_The awareness of needing to push suddenly arises._

_"I-I…something is coming out!" I scream._

_The nurses quickly rush to lift my legs onto the stirrups._

_"Alright Bella, we are going to count to ten and I want you to give me a big push, okay? We will do that each time you get a contraction and the urge to push."_

_I sob realizing this is the moment I have been waiting on for the past five months; coming face-to-face with my son is what I longed for._

_Now, the thought terrifies me because deep in my heart, I know all the hope I had for a better life, the hope for someone to love me unconditionally no matter who or what I am has been destroyed._

_"One, two, three, four, five…."_

_I tightly clench my eyes shut. The voices drown out as I inhale in a deep breath and push with all my strength. I grit my teeth as I growl out in pain. I scream desperately into the air._

_I don't give up on my urge to finally get him out and free him of the enslavement of my womb. I push my body to the brink._

_I can feel his head pass through the birth canal. It pushes against my opening, stretching me to the max as he begins to break through._

_The searing pain blazes within me as I stretch out beyond my core. My lower half feels like it is being ripped apart from the sensation of giving birth to my child._

_My hands grip tighter onto the bed rails, my knuckles turn white from the hindrance of the blood flow._

_I inhale again and scream once more in agony as I continue to push as the doctor orders until I finally feel and there is almost an audible pop as his head passes through my lips. Next, his whole body comes out in a gush; he slips out of me quickly unlike the first part._

_My whole body collapses lethargically onto the bed and I lay panting in a sweat. I blink and stare vacantly at the fluorescent lights above me._

_Everything is silent. I don't hear the outcry from my baby._

_There is no celebration. No congratulations from the doctor or nurses. No announcing of the sex of my child._

_The doctor swiftly hands my son to the nurses and they whisk him away briefly. I can still feel all the fluids gushing out of me._

_The doctor continues to work on me with one of the nurses at his side assisting him._

_"She is hemorrhaging profusely. We need to take her into the operating room now otherwise she will not make it," I hear the doctor inform the nurse in a grimly tone._

_"I want to see him," I softly mumble, barely capable of being heard by human ears._

_The nurse walks next to me. "Bella, you need to go into surgery. Your life is most important right now."_

_I turn to face the nurse. "NO!" I yell with all the strength I can muster._

_She purses her lips and turns to nod at the doctor who signals his approval, she walks away leaving me with an immense emptiness filling the nothingness of my soul._

_The nurse returns cradling a small bundle in her arms. I slightly sit up when I see her walk closer._

_My lips tremble and the tears shed from my eyes. I am fearful to see under the small blankets._

_The nurse does not say a word, she hands me my son and I take him into my arms, cradling and loving him like I have never ever loved anyone or anything else in this entire universe more than him._

_I barely know this tiny human but yet the eternal bond that exists between us is intensely present in just the few moments I hold him._

_He is supposed to lie tranquil, softly inhaling in and out, and warm; out of harm's way. My son should feel the warmth of my breath when I whisper words of hope and love to him._

_I should be the whole world to him as he is to me._

_When he enters the world from the darkness all he should know is me. He is supposed to recognize my smell, and my voice, and even the way I move, he is supposed to be safe with me._

_I would always be nearby to attend to his cries when he would need me and I would come. I would hold him close, and kiss him. I would make the world feel right to him._

_But those visions and dreams are broken and shattered as I hold the reality in my arms._

_I move my forefinger gently over his perfect tiny nose._

_"Evan. I am so, so sorry," I whisper to him sorrowfully and weep quietly._

_This is supposed to be the most joyous moment in my life but turns out to be the most heart wrenching moment I would not wish on anyone._

_I thought I died the day he left me, I thought the last remnants of me died the day Brian raped me but I am wrong._

All _of me dies at this moment as I am gazing into my son's innocent face that I was not able to protect. I selfishly chose not to give him a chance at life. A parent is never supposed to bury their own child. _

_Will I ever recover from this? Will I ever be able to live a normal life after this experience? This is not the way life is supposed to be handed over to someone._

_I kiss my baby's soft delicate cheek. The warmth is barely there under my lips._

_All the desires and hopes I have cease to exist when I hand over my son to the nurse and see her disappear behind the hospital doors with my child in her arms._

I fling myself back from the chest as it quickly closes shut for the last time.

The anguish in my heart is present as the last memory fills me and the emotions running through me are the same from that day I lost my son.

How can this be? How could I have been so stupidly selfish in my decisions? The one chance that was given to me to make my world better, I ripped it away from myself.

The unbearable suffering my heart wrenches with drowns me.

I swim back to the other direction where the stairs are imbedded.

"Once you are satisfied with what you have done and embraced, swim back to the stairs and feel with each step you take the water becoming lower and lower until you have once again reached that fifth step. Once you are out of the water and are on the sixth step you may start to feel heavy or as if there is a weight on your chest; merely wait on the step until this passes. Once it passes, continue up the stairs visualizing each step by its number, feeling the steps underneath you, will yourself to carry on up the stairs."

I can hear the doctor's voice as I grab hold of the steps and ascend back into my consciousness.

"Once you have ascended, give yourself a few moments before opening your eyes. You may want to visualize yourself opening a door to the outside world, do this slowly and imagine the light that pours in through the door way, this should make your eyes open. Take your time getting up. Then out loud tell yourself 'Wide awake, Wide awake' or something maybe that your father used to say when he woke you up in the morning as a child. This will put your mind back in the conscious state."

My eyes open immediately after I hear those last words, I gasp for a desperate breath and my body abruptly darts to a sitting position.

I bring my arms to hold my body. The water fills my eyes as I feel _everything_ from all the memories that are agonizingly painful to my soul.

I begin to sob loudly and cover my face with my hands.

"Oh my god!" I struggle for a breath.

I shake my head back and forth not wanting to believable what I just experienced is real. That it actually happened to me.

"Bella? Are you alright? Can you hear me?" I barely hear the doctor through my crying.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and a warm body sits next to me. Dr. Lehman wraps her arm around my shoulder and holds me like a mother would when her child is injured.

I lean into her shoulder and shed my infinite tears as she comforts me like a little girl who is battered and broken from endless abuse.

"Shh, shh, it will all be alright. Let it out Bella. It is okay," she murmurs.

I am short of breath as I continue my sobbing.

I don't even know how I am physically here after the traumatic events I have experienced.

I still can't control my crying. My body shakes violently from my wailing.

"Bella, you are safe now. All these memories are of the past. You cannot change what happened but remember you have the strength and the power now to change your future. As painful as it is to remember them, they have made you who you are now. This is why you are here, to move forward in your life and rectify those past mistakes by creating a better life for yourself," the doctor softly whispers.

The minutes feel like hours as I sit here. My body is weak and frail. I am emotionally drained. I don't realize my sobbing stops.

I close my eyes and allow myself to disappear into the obscurity behind my eyelids.

* * *

I awake on a soft, plush area. The fabric under my hands is comfortable.

"Do you feel better?"

My eyes widen hearing the soft voice and I turn my head in the direction it comes from. I see my doctor sitting at her desk with a pen in her hand and papers strewn on her desk.

I lift myself up slightly.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Bella, you fell asleep after our hypnotherapy session. You were obviously upset. I let you rest in here, I hope you don't mind," Dr. Lehman responds.

I shake my head. I had hoped it was all a dream. I rub my head aimlessly.

"Do you want to go back to your room or did you want to talk about what you described in the session from earlier today? We can continue tomorrow if you would like."

I sit pondering everything that surges through my mind.

"No…I-I, let's do this now. Right now that it is still fresh in my mind. I can't keep this inside anymore. I need to let it out or I will drive myself crazy," I say quickly.

She moves from her seat and walks to the leather armchair in front of me, "Alright, no problem. Everything you described I would imagine it to be painful and difficult for you to remember?"

"Yes. I never thought it would be this hard when I would get those memories back. It still hurts me. My heart aches as I think of them. I can physically feel the pain."

"It is okay to feel the pain. By feeling the pain you can grieve and shed the tears you were not given the right to at the moment."

"I was horrible to my mother when she tried helping me. I never allowed her to help me because of Edward. I was still stuck in that abyss where nothing mattered in my life without him. I treated her unfairly when all she did was try to protect me and love me as a mother should," I sniffle.

"Your mother loves you unconditionally, you know that Bella? She does not judge you or chastise you for your decisions, even though they were bad ones. She understands she had to let you go in order for you to learn. All she wants now is to be there for you whenever you need her. She wants you to get better and you are making her proud by you being here. "

"I realize I was just so wrong in the way I acted towards her," I shake my head.

"She knows that Bella. She knows you love her too."

I snort bitterly. "She was right about Brian from the beginning."

"Why do you think you stayed with him for so long after everything?"

"I don't know; the only reason I can come up with right now that makes sense is that I was stupid," I look down at my hands.

"Was he always abusive towards you?"

"In the beginning no, he didn't show his true self until two months after we started seeing each other but even though it was just a grab here or there roughly, I ignored my gut instinct and stayed."

"Obviously your mother disapproved of him from what you described."

"Yes, she still hates him to this day. Both my parents do. He led me down a destructive path that I so willingly followed."

"Was he your escape from Edward?"

"Yes. I thought by finding someone, anyone; that the pain would go away from losing Edward. It didn't matter how the person wanted me. I was already fractured beyond repair I thought after Edward left me. It didn't matter if that man I would find used my body just for pleasure. I thought myself impure anyways."

"But you didn't lose your virginity to Brian? You never wanted to sleep with him, correct?"

"Right," I nod slowly. "I lost my virginity in the most disgusting circumstances; at a frat party I went to with someone I barely knew. I can't even recall that person's name. Then I met Brian shortly after that incident but I never planned on having anymore sex because I felt dirty following the act."

"And you explained all of this to Brian?"

"Well…I just told him of my first experience but I did make it clear to not expect it anytime soon in our relationship."

"He did take advantage of you though regardless of your wishes." The doctor states frankly.

"Yes and I hate myself for allowing that to happen. We drank too much at a party we went to and when we came back to my place…it just all happened so quickly," I bow my head I shame.

"Bella, what happened to you is not your fault. No matter what you may think or thought you should have done. When you told him to stop, he should have stopped but he did not. Rape is never to be blamed on a woman when it happens to her. You were vulnerable and exposed to him. He knew that. He knew he could control you as well. He knew you would not fight back. You did nothing wrong. You thought you did not deserve better because of what happened with Edward and the words he pierced you with which were not true. You deserved and still do deserve so much more.

You jumped from one addiction to another; first with Edward, then with Brian and along that the drugs. It was the only thing you knew how to do. It was a cycle that you could not break free of. You thought you had love with the infatuation you had with Edward. You thought the abuse you had with Brian was love and that is why you stayed. You thought the drugs would bring you that escape to run away from all these things which only made everything much worse."

My sobs break free again at her words.

Everything the doctor says to me up to this point is completely true. I don't know why I didn't see it back then. It all makes sense at this moment.

"I never imagined myself to get pregnant though after what happened, I was only eighteen," I state in sadness.

"When I was younger I never wanted children. I thought having a baby would hold me back. But when I got pregnant with my son it was like freedom, a way out for me. Ironically, I never thought that way up until I had this baby; it made me want to become a better person. Not just for myself but for my baby. For once in my life it was not only about me," I bawl wiping the water running from my eyes and nose.

"You chose to keep the child correct?"

I glance up at her and sniffle. "I wanted this baby. I didn't care if his dad was a monster; at least I would have something, _someone_ that would want me just as much as I wanted them. But I hoped for too much and my son was taken away from me. I thought with the pregnancy, I could finally have a reason to get sober from the drugs I started in." The tears fall from my eyes.

"Why did you not decide to stay with your mother when she requested you not to move?"

"I don't know," I shrug. "I just thought Brian would change when the baby came. I never thought the abuse would get worse. I never imagined he was capable of the horrific acts he committed."

"Why is it that you hid the pregnancy from him?"

"I don't think I hid it on purpose…I don't know. Maybe I was scared of what he would do when he found out and I was right about that."

"What I see is that you hid the pregnancy because you knew it would not change a thing with him. Even though you wanted to believe that lie you told yourself, you knew deep in your heart that it would never come to pass. No one blames you for what happened. It is just an unfortunate situation you were in."

She is right again. I knew the baby would not change a damn thing with him. I had high hopes in something that would never exist. And by my selfishness, I lost the one person who would need me the most.

"I thought for once in my life, I stopped thinking about me or what I wanted. I no longer mattered to myself; the only thing that did matter was what would be best for my child. I thought the best thing would be to keep our family together. To have my son grow up with two parents," I wipe the tears away with my hand. "But I was wrong again and I never gave him that chance.

I just…being with Brian is the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every day since arriving here but now, now that I remember why it is I hate him so much; I feel…I want to kill him for what he did to me, for taking away my son. I want him to suffer the pain I had to go through that day when I held my son for the first time," my tears start to form again but now they are angry tears full of remorse.

"Did you not want to remember anything from your pregnancy? Is that what you wanted to escape from with the drugs?"

"I guess my answer would be yes because I could not remember anything from first arriving to Jacksonville, I mean nothing from the rape on. I can't believe I allowed myself to hide that," I shake my head.

I wish I never had to have made that big of a mistake, staying with Brian. I ultimately gave my child his death sentence when I decided to leave Jaconsonville.

"I…I know now I should have listened to my mother as she pleaded with me to stay. The day I gave birth to him…it was like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. It felt like something sacred, something someone should experience that is deserving of giving life to another being. I took that life away from him. When I held him and my arms, it is indescribable every emotion running through me. I didn't know you could love someone so much without even knowing them at all. I was supposed to be his mother, the one who should have protected him even in the womb."

"Bella, this is not for you to berate yourself. Understand that we are doing this to help you in the healing process. As I said earlier, the past is the past. You cannot go back and change it. All you can do is learn from the errors of your past and move forward, even as painful as they are; it is what you must do to be able to move on with your life. Losing a child is never easy and I am sorry that you had to experience that. But you have to allow yourself to grieve for your son and move forward with your life for him; move forward in a new, brighter direction," she speaks tenderly.

"The abuse you succumbed to was not your fault either. Even if you did not purposefully hide the pregnancy, Brian sounds to suffer from bipolar personality, so you never knew what you were going to get from him. So how could you know how he would react? It also seems whatever traumatic experiences he went through as a child also affected him greatly. The only thing he knew was the abuse from his own father."

Brian was always the type of person that anything could set him off without warning. I let myself be abused by him physically and emotionally. I used his past as an excuse for him. I felt sorry for him because he had been abused as well. He was able to fool me because I was so fucking naïve.

"Feeling all that pain, experiencing it in the moment when he was beating and kicking me, I wanted to die. I didn't want to be alive to see my son be stillborn. But I regretfully didn't die. I knew I had lost a lot of blood from the physical abuse and after I gave birth. The doctors said it was a miracle that I survived," I tell her.

"Why didn't you press charges on Brian?"

"I don't know. My mom came the next day when I was in the hospital, she also pushed me to file a report but I refused. I just told everyone I had been robbed and the assailant fled. She knew it was a lie and so did my father but there was nothing they could do without my permission. I was angry at my mother, angry at Brian, angry at everyone. I had no reason to be though. The only person I should have been angry with is me."

"Were you able to grieve properly after what happened?"

"Not really. We had the funeral. Every emotion I felt that day in the hospital dissipated as the anger flooded through me. It consumed me like a fire consumes a blazing forest. My mother wanted to stay with me but I pushed her away again, like always. My father knew about what happened because my mom called him obviously, he wanted me to come back to Forks at that time but there was no way I was ready to come back. So I left once again on my own free will."

The doctor hands me tissues and I wipe away the tears streaking my face.

"But you ended up back with Brian?"

"Yes, I took him back about a month after the incident. He came to me begging me to forgive him, telling me he loved me and regretted what he had done. He promised me we would try again for another baby. I ate all the bullshit up. I didn't want another child with him though. That was the last thing on my mind at the time. I just thought by being with him after that, there was not anything else that could destroy me anymore and that is when things just went from bad to worse. I involved myself deeper into his world; the sex, the drugs, the partying. It was all there to take the pain away. I partook is the most grotesque, vile and abominable acts known to man when I was with Brian. I didn't care for myself anymore. Whoever I was, died the day my son was taken from me."

Before I met Jacob and Edward, I read about the monsters in fairytales and horror stories but after getting to know them, I found there was nothing to fear.

That is until I met Brian, who is every evil monster one can read about or ever imagine. I find myself asking what makes a monster; the fact that they are not human and different from us or the fact that a monster can be human and capable of the most horrific acts known to man?

Sometimes I think the real monsters seem less like monsters when you meet someone like Brian.

"I couldn't even protect my own child from that evil, repulsive monster. The loss was excruciating. The guilt was all consuming. I spiraled so out of control that the moment before I called my mother a few weeks ago…I-I…I tried to commit suicide," I reveal.

"Have you told your parents about this?" The doctor inquires.

"No. I have not. I do plan on telling them or if it is easier, you can tell them for me. I know hearing something like that would make them feel even worse and I don't want to cause anymore pain to them than I have already."

"Do you still have thoughts of suicide?"

"No. Of course not, that night…I dropped acid and had more cocaine than my frail body at the time could handle. I was suffering from terrible hallucinations and thought of myself here as a big waste of human space. When I grabbed the gun and put it in my mouth, the feeling of all my suffering coming to an end was welcomed. After though, when the gun clicked and no bullet came out, I was relieved. It was surprising to feel that way. I decided I didn't want to die. I want to live to see my parents grow old. I want to become a better me. I want to someday; when I am ready, have a family of my own with someone I truly love and who loves me back the way it is supposed to be. This is why I am here. After that night I said to myself that enough was enough. I was tired of living that life of meaningless acts that had me enslaved to my own self."

"That is something certainly great to hear. I am glad you are here as well. Bella, these moments we experience a loss as great as you have only mold you into the person you want to be. Those experiences help you to grow and you learn not to commit those same mistakes twice as I have said before. I believe you are learning from your past. You are allowed to grieve for your son, you are allowed to be sad and hurt but do not let those feelings consume you every day because they will only bring you down and you would not want to retract the steps you have already taken heading down your new path at life.

Perhaps, it was just not the right time for you to have that child. As much as we desire to have that one thing that we think could possibly help us get better, it will actually make the situation worse. Imagine if the baby did survive, you would probably still be stuck in a loveless, abusive relationship with a child that tied you forever to that man. Yes, you would have your son you love dearly but what do you think he would grow up to be like seeing the abuse everyday that Brian would inflict on you? It would be just the same cycle Brian went through. That certainly is not a life you want your child to grow up in. You did protect him in that time you carried him and kept him a secret. He developed enough for you to be able to experience being a mother at least for the months he was in your womb, enough for you to recognize him after he was born, enough for you to be able to have a formal burial for him and say good-bye.''

"As much as I wish he did survive and as much as it pains me to remember everything, you are right. At least I did get to hold him and love him for the mere moments he was given to me. That is no life to bring a child into this world…you know I named him Evan, that dream I had a few weeks ago now makes sense. I didn't recognize the name on that headstone but now everything just all makes perfect sense. I have not visited his grave since the burial. I kept his last name on the death certificate Swan because I wanted him to not have any relation or connection with that despicable monster," I allow all the emotions to finally be free.

"Do not let those things hold you back Bella, you did all you could for Evan. He is now in a better place and someday you will be a great mother. Everything from this moment on is a new beginning, a clean slate. What will you do with this second chance at life?"

I am now unbound from that sorry excuse of a man. He has nothing over me and can no longer harm me. I realize the mistakes I have made led up to these painful experiences but my doctor is correct, I have learned from them.

My son didn't deserve what happened to him but he will live forever in my heart. He holds the purest of my love a human can give. I am liberated to mourn the loss.

I have released everything within me that has held me back from moving forward.

I will no longer be the frail little girl with no strength of character. I am a strong woman that has made mistakes and has accepted them. The obstacles and hurdles I have overcome make me who I am today and for that, I am thankful.

My soul that has been restless is finally calm. My failures from the past will not deter my successions of my future.

A new dawn will arise with its soft and tranquil beams of light that will shine a path to a new day.

That new day will bring new hopes and dreams that will finally become my reality.


	7. The Warmth

**Rated:** NC-17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N:** Huge thanks to Shawnie for coming on board to be my official Beta! Go check out her story **The Ethnographer** if you haven't done so. FYI – you'll see the mention of something called Dream Smoke in this chapter; this is technically LEGAL weed. It was discovered thousands of years ago and it's used historically by Native Americans for an extreme smoking pleasure. It's mostly made up of Wild Dagga, Scotch Broom Topps with Damiana, Valarian Root and Kava Kava along with other herbal blends. So it is real. Remember to drop a review once you are done reading to let me know your thoughts! :)

* * *

**Chapter Six – The Warmth  
**

_Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it._

_~ D. H. Lawrence_

* * *

**Q.P.O.V.**

Driving out into the nightfall, it's dark and dreary as I round each curve of the slick road, passing the tall dark trees that line the edge of the forest. The light thumping begins as the rain droplets pad against my car.

The drive home always allows me to sort out my internal conflicts or at least I allow myself to reflect on everything.

Saturday nights used to be my days of partying and claiming whatever woman I wanted. It was easy; the women were always available, willing and desperate to be pleased for a night, knowing that it would mean nothing and by morning, I would be gone.

It isn't something I'm proud of now looking back. Once I phased and finally joined the pack, I was ecstatic. We were all ready to take advantage of our ancestors' blessing, although some in the pack see it as a curse; I don't.

The wolf had been awakened and wanted to claim something, anything. It's a dominant trait that comes with the bloodline of the wolf.

It doesn't hurt that we aren't bad looking either. I don't want to sound like a narcissistic prick but it's true; I can basically have any woman I wish to take as mine. Any of my pack brothers can.

But all of that became old really fast. It's something I don't want anymore. My perspective has changed to get my life together and better my future even though I'm bound to the Rez for life.

Getting my real estate license was the first step. I didn't know why I had the strong urge to get my shit together, but I guess it was necessary. Maybe it's just a part of growing up and learning to be an adult, as Old Quil constantly tells me.

The past few months have been strange for me. These new feelings and emotions flowing through me are something I have never experienced and frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I immerse myself in work to bury these feelings deep within me. At least it's an outlet that's beneficial for me and my business. It also makes it easier to not think of Bella.

We've known each other since we were kids, just as her and Jake knew each other. I met her at an older age though; our friendship was never like the one she shared with Jacob. All of us always respected Jake and knew she was off limits. We never tried anything to piss him off when it came to Bella.

After she left though, it wasn't like he stayed the pure, honorable saint either. Whatever love he claimed to have for her he seemed to forget, at least when he was around us. We all partied together and it wasn't like we didn't know what the other did behind closed doors, with all the women throwing themselves at us.

I know Jake still loves her from the slight glimpses I've had into his mind when he's unblocked his thoughts while phased, even though his conversations with us tell otherwise. But for some reason, he isn't over the fact she ran away to Florida and left him after he confessed his love for her. As my pack brother, I know I should side with him but that just isn't the person I am. It isn't my place either to tell him to see Bella or forgive her. He needs to learn to forgive her and be willing to be there for her. She needs it more than ever.

Maybe this is why I'm so inclined to be there for her; maybe I know she needs Jake just as much Jake needs her? Am I putting myself just as a replacement for him for the time being until he comes around? Perhaps that's what Bella sees me as?

I shake my head to dispel the ridiculous thoughts.

No, I don't know what the hell I'm feeling and I can't assume what Bella thinks or feels. Bella has always been a friend to me. I never saw her as anything more but lately, since she has returned it has been like opening my eyes for the first time. Initially it wasn't like that at all, I did want to befriend her and be there for her just as Seth is.

The last two months though have drastically changed who I thought I was. I mean, I care for Bella deeply; I have never cared for a woman as much as I do for her. Our friendship is growing each day and our innocent conversations have grown deeper as well. Bella trusts me enough that every time I go to see her, she is willing and ready to tell me how each of her therapy sessions went and how she feels. I'm always willing to open up and share my heart with her as a friend, but this was confusing as hell to me too.

As much as I try not to think of her being more than a friend, those feelings linger within me. The more I spend time with her, the more I get to truly know her, the more she gets to know the real me; it's hard to keep those feelings of friendship from growing into something more.

She has always been attractive to me too; any man that runs into her would see how beautiful she is.

Fuck, those are the thoughts that are so hard to comprehend! It isn't wrong to think of your friend as attractive, right?

Deep down inside, I know Bella is the most caring person I have known. I don't judge her for what she did to Jake and for being with that leech. I hate those fucking bloodsuckers as much as Jake does.

What matters now to me is that Bella is here and becoming the person she truly is meant to be. The person she would have become if it wasn't for the leech coming into her life.

The fact that I know what she still feels for Jake scares me the most. What if this grows into something more? I don't want to end up in Jake's position later on down the road. I also don't want to hurt my brother; that's the last thing I would ever want to do if Bella were to reciprocate the feelings.

This is also the precise reason why I asked Sam last month to keep me on a separate patrol schedule than Jake. He didn't seem to think anything of it. I just used my work as an excuse and he agreed.

I have been avoiding Jake when phased because I don't need his shit if he sees anything that I feel or my conversations with Bella. He doesn't know though how much I have been seeing her and I do feel bad for keeping it a secret, but I need to protect her feelings too. I don't need Jake throwing a shit fit over whatever may piss him off regarding the decisions I have made to be there for her, and have him lash out on Bella if he was to decide to face her.

I don't want to see Bella hurt. I won't stop her from confronting Jake if that's what she wants to do once she comes home to Forks. I know for damn sure though that I'll tell Jake not to hurt her because she's already been through enough.

Some members of the pack resented her for what she did to Jake; mostly Paul, Jared and Leah but the others didn't really seem to care. I knew her coming home would be eventful and that's why I would need to speak with Sam to make sure he would put everyone in their place. The younger wolves didn't know much of what went on as they weren't part of the pack at the time.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is…love? I have never been in love with anyone, certainly not after only two months, but the connection and bond Bella and I share is more on an emotional and intellectual level.

We both make each other meditate on our life's struggles and how we have fought through them. We don't pull each other down at all; in fact, we make each other _better_. It's kind of amazing how one person can make your **worst** day...incredibly perfect.

Every time I see her, I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't explain. I have never been nervous around a girl, ever. It just isn't who I am but with her, all my coherent thoughts and composure go out the window. It's like I'm in fucking grade school again!

When we first met all those years ago, I had no idea she would eventually become one of the most important people in my life. I guess this experience has taught me that when you fall in love, your life is no longer ordinary. Real love is an event that changes us all.

I end my silent introspection as I pull into my driveway seeing the few cars parked in front of my house and the lights shining through the windows; the bass of loud music echoes through the stillness of the night.

"Shit," I mutter to myself.

I turn off the ignition and gather my things, exiting the car.

"I told these assholes not to be using my house anymore for these fucking parties," I grumble to myself, walking up the front steps.

I open the door and lo' and behold, I come face-to-face with none other than the true born Alpha himself, sitting on my sofa with two of the most well known sluts on the Rez.

I look around and see a bunch of people I don't even know standing around my living room, dancing and drinking.

"Hey! Quil man, you made it...shit I was beginning to think you were going to sleep at your office," Jacob laughs rising to his feet, walking over to me and putting his arm around my neck.

I roll my eyes, "Jake, what the fuck are you doing dude?"

"What do you mean what am I doing? The guys were bored so we're throwing a party. Come on, you remember what that was like when we were younger. Let the boys have some fun."

"I told you already I'm not doing this shit anymore. Where the fuck is everyone else? And who are all these people?"

"Paul and Jared are in the kitchen I think, Seth and Embry are…I think they're out back with some chicks they brought and I don't know where Collin and Brady ran off to...fuck, I don't know who these people are either, the younger boys invited them," he shrugs.

"Does Sam know you guys are here?" I ask. My temper is about to fly off the handle but I keep myself in control because there's no sense in having two pissed off wolves trying to kill each other, especially in my living room with all these people around.

"He's away for the weekend with Emily. He doesn't need to know…besides, we all know who really runs the show around here," he remarks condescendingly.

"Right, whatever; look you all need to get the fuck out of my house. I had a long day at work and I just want to sleep."

"Aw, come on man…here, you remember Ava and Sophia right?" He pulls me along as he walks closer to the sofa where the girls sit. "They came to show us a good time. Don't tell me you don't want to taste either one of them anymore just because you've fucked them both already," he chuckles like an idiot.

"Hi Quil," the two girls respond in a high-pitched voice barely audible over the loud music.

I huff in frustration and nod at them in acknowledgment, "Jake, you're drunk and high. You don't know what the hell you're doing; what about Liv? Your fucking girlfriend, remember?"

"Liv and I aren't that serious…besides she can do whatever the fuck she wants and so can I. She doesn't own me…no one fucking owns me. You know…I don't even know what the hell it is that Olivia and I are doing, I mean; I don't even love her, fuck…," He pauses for a moment.

Jacob is never this candid in expressing his feelings about the women in his life. He would never speak about them out loud and in public. It's definitely the booze and whatever he smoked that has his tongue unrestrained.

"…you know, I can't keep my mind off of _her_, always fucking there to hurt me even when she's not around. It's ironic that the one person that makes you strong and brings out the best in you is also your weakness. How fucked up is that?" He smirks.

"And the worst feeling in the world is caring about someone, wondering how they are and shit; when they've stopped wondering about you a long time ago." Jake shakes his head, slightly slurring his words. "Once the person who loves you hurts you on purpose, love is broken…so fuck love. I'm never going to put myself through that again."

I run my hands through my hair in irritation. I don't need this shit right now, not at all.

I sigh. "Jake, this isn't the time or the place. Let's just get everyone out, get you to sleep so you can sober up. You can crash tonight in one of the guest bedrooms upstairs if you want."

One of the girls stands and walks closer to me. I grimace at the thought I actually slept with both of them. This was a long ass time ago though. These bitches were known to get around and both Jake and I had our turns with them.

"Quil, I've missed you. Did you miss me? I thought you would call me but I never heard from you after our fling," Sophia tries to bat her eyelashes at me while all she's doing is making herself look like a fool.

"Yeah um…look, sorry about that but you knew it wasn't anything serious," I try to shrug her off.

She walks closer and Jake steps away laughing, I glare at him because he knows I'm going to fucking kill him for this.

Sophia walks a circle around me all the while she runs her hand around my back until she reaches my chest, she leans in closer and tries brushing her lips against mine. I turn my head sideways in an attempt to avoid the nasty bitch from rubbing herself on me.

God damn it Jacob!

It isn't like I'm attracted to her, not in the least but apparently my friend down there thinks otherwise as I feel him hardening in my pants.

"Wouldn't you want to experience again what the feeling is like to be in me? Don't you remember how you made me scream your name? Come on Quil, I want you to fuck me and make me yours," she whispers seductively.

I can almost smell the sex in the air.

As much as the wolf side of me would so fucking like that, there's the human side of me that isn't willing to do this.

I don't need to do this. I don't care for this girl. I don't love her.

I grab her wrist and push it away. "I already told you, that last fucking time meant nothing and still doesn't. So get the fuck away from me. I don't know how else you want me to make it any clearer," I snap at her.

She narrows her eyes at me. Flipping her hair over her shoulder; she turns and walks to the sofa to grab her things.

"Fuck you Quil, it's not like you're the best I've had," she sneers.

"Then why the fuck are you here? Apparently I must have done something right bit –,"

Jacob cuts me off. "Whoa, whoa man. No need for all this spiteful shit. What's wrong with you? You have a willing pussy ready for you and you turn that down? What's the matter, does some bitch have your balls in a jar?" He chuckles.

I open my mouth to speak but am cut off before I can get a word out.

"We're leaving Jake," the girls both turn up their noses up as they exit through the front door.

I roll my eyes.

"Fuck! Quil what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I told you I'm not in the mood for this shit right now."

I move past him as he runs out chasing after Sophia and Ava.

I walk towards the kitchen finding Paul and Jared eating through my fridge. "Paul, what the hell man!"

"Hey dude! Nice to see you too bro," they both turn around stuffing their faces with sandwiches and chips.

"Hey man," Jared mumbles through the masticated food in his mouth.

"What the hell do you think you guys are doing? You know I've told you I'm done with all this shit. Where the hell are your wives to keep you on a short leash?" I question.

"Rachel and Kim went to some Spa for the weekend; we had nothing better to do so we're here with the guys. Come on man, we're just kickin' back and chillaxin'. You should be used to this by now," Paul remarks.

"I don't mind _you_ guys hanging out here but to bring these fucking bitches and all these people I don't even know? I told you I don't want anything to do with this shit anymore. And what the hell is going on with Jake? He's fucking high as kite and drunk off his ass! What did he take that has him so fucked up?" I rest my hands on the kitchen island that is saving Paul and Jared's ass from me not strangling the shit out of them.

"Look, you know how he was a while back after what's her face left and now that she's back…he's just having some trouble coping. Why ruin the fun for him? If this is how he wants to relieve his stress then so be it," Paul shrugs still stuffing his mouth with food.

"And Collin and Brady got their grubby paws on the recipe the tribal elders used to drink back in the day, you remember; the infamous Moonshine of the Rez," they both snicker.

"Shit," I mutter. "Jake didn't smoke weed did he? How the fuck would he get his hands on that?"

"No dude, you know that shit the elders smoke when they're on their 'vision quests' or whatever? Yeah, well that shit," Paul somewhat answers my question.

My eyes widen at the realization of what he's talking about. "Oh fuck, you mean Dream Smoke?"

"Yeah that," Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum agree in unison.

"Let me guess? The piss ants Collin and Brady also got a hold of that?"

"Yup," Paul says while biting into an apple.

"Hey, look at it this way; at least they aren't giving either shit to the humans here. That's strictly for us wolves," Jared plasters a stupid smile on his face.

"Yeah, because that just makes it so much better," I state sarcastically. "What about his girlfriend? He's been seeing that one girl for the last few months. What the hell happened to her?"

"We don't question what he does and with whom. He isn't harming anyone man, well…at least for now, just let him be. Once it's all out of his system he'll be good," Jared gives his two moronic cents.

I shake my head. "Where are the other guys?"

"How the hell should we know? Jared and I have been hiding out here since we arrived. You think I'm going to fuck up my marriage to Rach? Fuck no. She'd cut my balls off if I ever strayed," he laughs.

"I can relate to Paul, even though Kim and I aren't married yet, it's like we are. I love her man, I'm just here to be with my brothers and be there for Jake. I think Collin and Brady went out back with Seth and Embry; they had a group of girls they brought from school or something," Jared shrugs.

"Where's Leah," I inquire.

"She's at her house, she wanted no part in the guys' debauchery," Paul informs me.

"Why not do all this shit at her and Seth's house? They live alone."

"Ha! You really think she'd let us get away with all this if she were around?" Paul raises a brow.

I sigh. "You're right."

Why did they fucking have to do this now? I'm in no mood to fucking babysit their asses.

"Whose stupid idea was this?"

"The younger guys brought it up to Jake and he basically said what the hell, why not? Sam's away for the weekend, there haven't been any leeches around so there isn't a point in patrolling; so here we are," Paul answers.

I scoff. "Right, so just because Sam isn't around that means we can all act like stupid fucks now? Look, I had a long day at work, I'm tired. I just want to rest. Get your shit and get out."

"Alright, jeez man; you don't need to get your fucking panties in a twist, all you have to do is ask nicely," Paul states grabbing his keys as he and Jared walk to the living room with me following behind.

All the unknown people are still there. We find Jake on the sofa again with one of the girls from earlier sucking face.

I frown at the scene.

This is what pisses me off, for everything that Jake has proclaimed to feel for Bella; it sure as hell doesn't show. It's fine if he's hurt and needs to mope around for a bit but to be doing shit like this and all the while having a girlfriend too? He didn't seem to be doing any better than what he claims Bella did to him. At least she had the decency to be with only one person and be straightforward about her feelings.

I clear my throat loudly to get their attention.

Jake turns towards us as he stops slobbering all over the girl's face. "Sorry dude, um…the other chick left. Apparently you pissed her off enough she didn't want to come back inside."

I shrug. "Well party's over. Jared and Paul were just leaving, right?" I turn to glare at both of them.

"Yeah man," they both mumble out.

"Jake, they'll take you home or wherever you want to go. Paul, get all these fucking people out of my house."

"Fuck Quil, what's up your ass man? Why are you all of a sudden a fucking prude?" Jacob remarks aggravated.

"Fuck this," I mutter to myself walking away.

I make my way down the hallway; I loosen my tie and start unbuttoning my dress shirt to get it off.

I reach my room and wrap my hand around the knob to the closed door. I find it odd the door is closed; I never close the door when I'm not here.

I hear the moans draw out from the room, I had been too preoccupied with the dick heads in the living room and because the loud music had drowned the noise.

"Aw, you've got to be kidding me!"

I open the door quickly to find Collin in my bed fucking some girl.

"Collin! Fucker, what the hell!" All the anger that I have been holding inside can no longer be contained.

Collin suddenly rolls off the bed stark naked hitting the floor with a loud thump.

"Dude…what the fuck! Don't you knock?" He yells scrambling to reach for the bed sheet to cover his ass.

"Do I what? Do I fucking WHAT! Listen you little piece of shit, this is MY house, MY room, MY fucking bed!" I seethe. "There are four other fucking rooms in this house and you chose my bed, Collin?"

"Shit man, I didn't even realize it was your room, we were in the heat of the moment you know – um, can you like turn the other way..."

I don't even notice the blond bimbo still in my bed that's frantically trying to hide herself under the covers.

I growl in frustration. My blood begins to boil in my veins. I can feel the heat of the rage surging through my spine as the fury rolls through me and my uncontrollable shaking begins.

Collin's eyes widen at the realization I may phase right here on the spot.

"Hey Quil man….keep your furry coat in the closet." He mutters in code nervously.

I close my eyes and inhale a profound breath. I gather a semblance of control. Exposing the pack and the tribe would be detrimental to us all. I wouldn't be that stupid.

I grit my teeth. "When I come back, all of you fuckers better be out of my house," I warn through a clenching jaw.

I back away from the door and start heading towards the front of the house. I push through all the people still in my living room until I emerge outside.

"Hey dude! Where're you going?" I faintly hear Paul's voice through the fury that's about to erupt from me.

I make it outside running towards the forest tree line.

There's no fucking way I'm going to stay here tonight. I might kill one of these assholes if I do.

I keep sprinting until I'm deep in the forest, hidden away from the human world. I stop and kick off my shoes; I take my shirt off, throwing it on the ground. I take my pants off and tie them on the leather string around my ankle.

I dash faster this time, jumping over logs and rocks that are in my path until finally I jump in mid-air phasing into my wolf form.

I run and run, feeling the soft earth and hear the crunching of twigs and leaves beneath my paws. I have no idea where the hell I'm going but all I know is that I need to get away from La Push.

What the hell is wrong with me? If this would have been a few months back, I would have gladly partaken in anything and everything the guys threw at me. I would have been the first one in line to get wasted.

I just feel so confused and my heart is being torn at its seams with all that's going on within me.

I can't even think straight when I'm with her. Every time I look at her I forget all my thoughts, my mind fills with wonder and excitement just being near her but at the same time, my heart fills with fear because I don't know if this feeling will stop. I don't even know when it started.

How is it possible to listen to my mind without breaking my heart if I decide to open up to her and tell her how I feel?

I don't know if it's indeed love that I feel for her. Every night that I sleep, it's her face that lingers in my dreams.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I just ignore her completely, not visit her at all. But then something within me reasons that she needs me; no one else can be there for her like I have been, even though Seth has gone with me to see her, the conversations her and I have had aren't like the ones she's had with Seth.

Maybe I should just wait and give it time? It's not like she's ready or looking for anything right now and knowing how she still feels about Jake just tears at my heart even more.

Fuck, what scares me the most is that I think my heart is beginning to control my mind and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I come to a standstill in my tracks and suddenly realize where I'm at.

Fuck. Me.

I didn't even notice I had been running in this direction.

I trot over to the white building and sniff around for her scent. The scent that emanates from her is one I can't get enough of. It's no wonder Jake feels the way he does about her. Everything about her is just incredible. The person she is, her heart; it's all amazing.

I finally catch the aroma of strawberries and vanilla and follow its path. It leads me around to the back of the building and into the courtyard area.

I trot back and run forward, springing up into the air and jumping over the fence without difficulty. The grass is wet from the earlier drizzle of rain.

I finally come to a window on the first story. I peer through the glass and see her sleeping form on the bed.

I hear her breathing steadily as she sleeps. Her heart thumps in a slow soothing rhythm; it's a sound I've come to comfortably recognize. Her milky skin glows beautifully in the pale moonlight. I've never seen someone as stunning as she looks at this moment.

If it weren't for my supernatural werewolf hearing, I would have never heard her talk in her sleep.

I faintly hear the murmur of her words.

"Evan…," she softly breathes out. I tilt my head to the side and furrow my brows at the unknown name.

I move my head around to make sure the coast is clear before I phase back into my human form. I untie the leather string on my ankle, grab my pants and pull them on.

"Shit, I forgot a shirt," I grumble to myself.

I move stealthily to the window and gently tap on it waiting for a response.

I hope she doesn't think I'm some weird, creepy peeping Tom. That's certainly not the route I want our friendship to take.

I see her shift around on the bed. I tap a little harder once more.

Her head shoots up from the pillow and she tries to adjust her eyes to the room around her.

I tap on the window again.

She turns in my direction and I wave at her from where I stand outside. I take a few steps back as she walks to the window and opens it.

"Quil?" Her voice is heavy with sleep and she rubs her sleepy eyes.

"Bella, sorry I didn't mean to wake you…I can leave if you want?"

"No, no…it's okay, what's wrong? Is everything alright? Charlie? Oh my god, is my dad alright?" She's more alert now and starting to panic.

"Shh," I bring my forefinger to my lips. "Nothing's wrong, everything is fine. I just…I-I…," I sigh. "I needed to get away from La Push. It's been a rough night. I just thought…fuck, I don't know what I thought. I just phased and ran. I ended up here," I gesture to her with my hands and look down.

The night is cool and there's a slight breeze. She crosses her arms holding them tight against her body. "Oh. Thanks for putting me at ease. I was beginning to freak out. Here, come in the room, it's cold and wet outside…well, not that it makes a difference for you but it's too cold for me," she laughs quietly.

"Are you sure? What about your roommate?"

"She's not here tonight; her doctor had to perform a sleep study test on her so she's in one of the medical rooms for the night."

"Oh. Alright," I raise each leg over the windowsill and hop into the room. She closes the window as I walk to sit on the bed. I rest my elbows on my thighs and place my head in my hands.

"What happened?" She asks softly.

I look up at her. "The night has just turned out shitty for me. I just had to get away from everything. I don't mean to barge in on you in the middle of the night like this, like I said…I just ran and this is where I ended up."

She walks closer and sits next to me on the bed. We both sit in the comforting darkness of the room. Bella places her cool hand on my bare shoulder. "It's alright. Don't apologize. I'm here for you just as you have been for me," she smiles.

I smile faintly at her and look down. "I just…fuck, there's just so much going on with me right now. It's hard to explain. I came home from being at work all day and the guys were throwing a party at my house. I wasn't in the mood to deal with all that. Maybe I just over-reacted? I don't know," I breathe out.

She laughs shaking her head. "You know the boys, it shouldn't surprise you. You guys have always been that way; always wanted to have fun and stuff. But you're probably tired from working so hard. I don't blame you for wanting to come home and rest," She shrugs. "And it's your house they took hostage. That was a really shitty and immature thing to do."

"Yeah I know, I-, what pissed me off was that there were some girls there from my past and…," I look up into her eyes not knowing if I should tell her everything.

"It's alright; you can tell me if it's about him."

"…Jake was just acting like a dick, he was there with one girl that wasn't even his girlfriend and he was throwing one of the girls at me, egging me on and the thing is…," I rub my face with my hands. "I know how you feel about Jake; I don't want to upset you or anything with all this."

"Quil, I think what Jake and I shared in the past is something I want to hold on to, even though I know it's a fantasy that will never come true now. It's just like the fantasy notion I had with Edward that I thought he was the most perfect being to exist; which I was wrong about. I've realized the heartache I caused Jake won't be easy to get over. Like I said, I still love him as my best friend and no matter what. I'll be there for him if he lets me back into his life. Jacob is allowed to move on with his life, he shouldn't feel stuck because of me. He wasted so much of his time and energy pursuing something that didn't exist between us…he just deserves to be free and live his life."

I turn to glance at her. "You do still love him though?"

"Of course, I'll always feel that love for him because he was my best friend. Now, do I love him romantically? I don't know. It isn't the same feeling I had for him when I left Forks; maybe because I haven't seen him in so long? I'm not sure but I still care for him," she purses her lips and shrugs.

I snort nodding my head.

"Let's not talk about all that right now though, I want to hear what happened; go on," she nudges my shoulder.

My lips turn up into a slight smile, "…if I was still the same person I was a year ago or even a few months ago…I would have taken that opportunity, not caring what I would be doing to that girl, messing her up even more emotionally than she probably already is. I'm just…I feel different. I've changed. I don't want to be that person anymore," I shrug.

"Then I find out Collin and Brady stole the tribal elders' stash of potent werewolf liquor and 'weed'…,"

Bella's eyes widen, "they what?" She gasps.

"It's not real weed, just some hallucinogenic herbs the tribal elders smoke when they go on their 'vision quests'. It's actually legal because they're just natural herbs that grow on the Rez but it can fuck you up. The alcohol is well, still alcohol, just concentrated enough where it will hit us wolves like a freight train if we overdo it," I explain.

"Oh."

"Yeah so, Jake was all fucked up. Paul and Jared didn't do a damn thing to stop any of it. My house was filled with strangers. What set me off was the fact that I walked into _my_ room and found Collin with some girl getting it on. It just wasn't a pretty sight," I shake my head slightly chuckling.

She laughs, "Well at least you're finding humor in all of this."

I snort. "Yeah I guess now that I'm calm, I can.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I don't know what the change is you feel but I can sort of relate, I mean…I do feel the same way in regards to my past. That's the whole reason I came to this place. I just didn't want to continue in that wrong lifestyle. It gets old and gets you nowhere," she shrugs. "The only thing it does bring into your life is pain and emptiness," she smiles sadly.

I feel like an idiot sitting here crying like a pansy while she may need someone to talk to as well.

"Enough about me, my stuff is insignificant compared to everything you've been through. Thanks though, I think I just needed to vent," I smile warmly at her.

She nods. "I'm here if you need me, Quil. Really, I am. I may not give the best advice but I'm here if you just need someone to listen to you," her lips turn up into an amiable smile.

"Can -, um…may I ask you a question?" I change the subject hesitantly.

"Sure."

"I don't mean to be nosey or anything but…when I arrived at your window earlier, I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you and since I have super human hearing as you know, I accidentally heard you talk in your sleep," I state nervously.

"Oh? I guess I still do that huh? What did I say?" She giggles.

"You said the name Evan," I respond.

Her face changes drastically from a moment ago and it flickers with…pain? I look into her eyes and I realize the tears have started to gather and are almost spilling over.

"Bella? What's wrong?" I ask concerned.

She covers her face with her hands as her shoulders quiver with her sobs.

I place my hand on her back. "Bella, are you okay? Talk to me, please."

She struggles for a breath lowering her hands, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to turn into a blubbering mess."

"Shh, it's alright. Tell me what's wrong."

She shakes her head. "No one else knows about this…please don't say anything to anyone. I-I…know that when you phase the pack can see all your thoughts but please…don't let this get out to anyone. Can you promise me that? Only Charlie and Renée know," she looks at me with pleading, desperate eyes.

"I promise. Jake isn't the only one that Sam helped learn to protect his thoughts."

She nods. "I just…when the time is right, everyone will eventually know but right now, I'm not ready to share this publicly."

"Bella, I promise that whatever you tell me will not leave this room," I state.

She inhales an unsteady breath. "I had a therapy session a few days ago…the day you came for your pocket watch; my doctor suggested we try the hypnotherapy techniques for my repressed memories. That was the only subject I hadn't discussed in my sessions so I agreed. I didn't think it would be a huge ordeal. I thought…what's the worst that could happen? Maybe just an over-dose I couldn't remember? But…as the session went on," she stops mid sentence as she begins to cry once more.

"It's alright Bella, I'm here for you."

She wipes the tears from her eyes with her hand. "…sorry, as the session went on, everything that I had buried deep in my psyche was slowly coming to light. It was all horrible…they were things I never imagined myself going through, let alone living through," she sniffles.

"I had met someone while in Florida…his name is Brian, everything that I lost myself in; the drugs and all that, was because of him. I mean, I was to blame for following him but he introduced me to that world. He was abusive towards me, physically and emotionally. But I still stayed with him because I didn't think it was a big deal. He damaged me more than Edward had. And after we had been together for three months, Brian ended up…he r-raped me," she barely is able to get out the last part of the sentence before she breaks down again in sobs.

The thought of this fucking prick touching her, forcing her like that…it makes me want to find the fucker and kill him.

"Oh my god Bella, I'm so sorry. I-I…don't know what to say…," I rub gentle circles on her back to try and alleviate some of the anguish she's feeling even though anything I do or say won't make it any better.

She heaves a sigh. "I know…and it's okay. I don't expect you to say anything. I just need to let this out…even though I've spoken about it with my doctor, it's different when I can tell a friend, someone I trust, and that's you Quil…," she looks down at her hands on her lap.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that but to be honest," my body starts shaking from the rage I feel. "It disgusts me what that asshole did to you even though I don't know him. I want to hunt him down and rip the motherfucker to pieces," I state through gritted teeth.

Bella strokes my hand in an attempt to calm me. "I know…and I don't blame you for feeling that way. I fucking hate him till this day…that isn't even the worst part of it all," she seems even more upset than what she was. "…after that I _still_ stayed with him. I thought it was my entire fault for leading him on. I just felt so undesirable after Edward left. I thought maybe…I deserved to be treated that way after Edward left. I was just so beyond fucked up in my thought process…," she stops again mid-sentence and is quiet for a few moments.

"Bella?" I whisper.

"I-I…I got pregnant after the rape incident," she pauses and looks up at me with tears filling eyes, her lips trembling.

The revelation hits me like a semi-truck. I feel numb. My mind goes blank without any articulate thought.

I stare expressionless at her. What can I say to this shocking information? There isn't anything I can really say. The first thought that comes to mind is where's the kid?

"Quil?" She breathes in and out anxiously.

I snap out of the stupor I fell into. "I…don't know what to say, I'm sorry. It's just; this is a lot to take in."

She nods. "I know…look, y-you don't need to hear this. If you want to go…I understand."

"What? No! Just…give me a sec…," I remark while I rub my hands over my face to try to gather my composure. "Okay, sorry…go on."

"Are you sure? Because I completely understand if –,"

I cut her off. "Bella, I said I'm alright. Go ahead, please."

She purses her lips before continuing. "I got pregnant and moved away with him to Miami. I went against my mother's wishes to stay in Jacksonville with her. I was so confused at first. I didn't know whether I wanted to keep it. I considered abortion but…that just wasn't an option for me. I mulled over adoption but I thought how can I live myself knowing there is a child of mine out there somewhere? So I decided to keep it. I just had this hope that maybe Brian would change with having a baby, that maybe I could finally be happy with my own family; I would finally have someone who would love me unconditionally for who I am…I was just the naïve little girl who thought she would finally get her happy ending…," she sniffles.

"So what happened?" I ask gently.

"I didn't tell Brian about the pregnancy. I thought before it was just about the timing, for some reason I could never find the right time to tell him but after everything my therapist said it may just have been that I knew he wouldn't change, I mean he was still so violent after we moved but I just blamed it on his hard childhood. Anyways, he just found out one day; I was five months into the pregnancy…," the tears surge through her eyes and down her cheeks. "I'm sorry…," she mumbles.

I grab a hold of her hand. "Shh, Bella you have nothing to be sorry for. It's okay to cry."

She nods and blows out a breath, "…he found out and…he was angry. He thought I cheated on him and he denied the baby being his. I pleaded and begged for his understanding that night but he was just so enraged that he physically got violent with me," she stops and sniffles again as the tears steadily run down her face.

"I tried to protect my son…but Brian was stronger than me, so brutal and cruel. After the vicious beating he gave me I blacked out. I lost so much blood. When I woke up I was in an ambulance being transported to the hospital. I gave birth to my stillborn son in the emergency room. That's who Evan is, he was my son. I couldn't protect him," her body shakes as the intense sobs erupt from her now.

"I tried…I really did, Quil…he was so innocent. He didn't deserve that."

I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her tight against my chest, resting my cheek on top of her head. Her body shudders against mine as she spills the relentless tears of agony and torture.

"It wasn't your fault Bella. You had no control over what happened," I whisper trying to soothe her.

I can feel the wetness of her hot tears against my own burning skin.

Bella suddenly moves onto my lap and brings her arms around me, burying her face in the crook of my neck. I squeeze my arms tight around her waist now.

"Oh my god Quil, y-you have no idea h-how this feels; the internal death I've s-suffered…I haven't been able to r-really cry like this…the p-past few days being alone here have been extremely d-difficult on me. I f-feel like a failure, I shouldn't have been given this s-second chance at life, not after everything I c-caused," she whimpers.

I swallow the lump that forms in my throat. Seeing her suffer like this hurts me immensely.

"Bella, you did what you had to do when you left. I don't blame you for that. We all make mistakes and there's nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is letting a mistake stay a mistake, without the effort of ever making it right."

She sighs through her tears. "But…h-how can I just move on? H-how can I fix mistakes as big as the ones I've made? There are days, like after finding out all this that I want to give up. I'm s-so messed up that I d-don't even see a point in t-trying to fix myself."

I rock her slowly back and forth in my arms. "When you reach the point where you want to give up, look behind and see how far you've already come. If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, 'but I lived through it and it made me who I am today,'" I express, hoping she understands.

"B-but how can there be any h-hope for someone l-like me? I've screwed up my l-life in so many ways…I've hurt s-so many people with my bad ch-choices –," she weeps.

"Bella, don't you get tired of carrying an empty bag of hope? Your heart beats strong and harmoniously. I once read somewhere with each breath we take, it whispers its seed of life into each day we are alive. Every day, with an unknown strength you do have, you awake under the beautiful morning star. Every time you feel the gentle cool wind on a hot summer day, that's hope. Hope is still having those dreams of tomorrow, anything and everything you ever want to accomplish is at your grasp. It's seeking more in life when other people think you've had enough. Bella, don't you see? Hope is everywhere around us and free of cost. Once you gather the courage and realize that, it will allow all those tear stained memories to be guided to a radiant light of true inner hope to be able to create new joyful memories," my own tears start to form in my eyes.

To hear Bella express herself this way; to not think there is no other way out when there truly is, it pains me to the depths of my soul. I care so much for her and to know she went through all of this, which she willingly shared it with me; makes me fall even harder for her because she's such an amazing and strong woman to keep moving forward with her life.

I would do anything to take her pain away; I would make it my pain instead of hers.

Her crying slowly stops; all I hear from her is sniffling.

"Y-you're right…I need to stop blaming myself. I c-can't change anything from the past as much as I want to. It's the same t-thing my therapist said but hearing it from y-you, someone close to me, makes me feel like I did t-try all I could…I guess I do deserve this s-second chance to finally make everything right t-that went so wrong…," she mumbles against me.

"Of course you do Bella, you need to understand that you deserve so much more because of the beautiful person you are inside and out, and you have a good heart no matter your past."

"Thank you Quil," she exhales.

I crack a slight smile hoping anything that I have said has made her feel better. "That's what friends are for right? I'm here whenever you need me."

We're quiet for a few minutes as I hold her in my arms and her face is nuzzled into my neck.

I came here to be comforted by her so that she would make _me_ feel better for the shitty night I thought I had. Whatever crisis I thought I was going through is blown into smithereens after discovering **everything** Bella has had to endure.

I feel like a prick for thinking my small problems were something of importance, everything I feel for her too; thinking I should avoid her when in reality, she's the one with more important issues to work through and she's felt lonely going through this tragic ordeal. Bella absolutely needs me as a friend more than ever right now.

It doesn't matter what I feel; I'm putting all my feelings aside. What matters is this woman in my arms at the moment, what she needs is to feel protected and comforted, and I will do just that.

That's all what matters to me.

I slightly stiffen when I feel her lips press against my neck.

I swallow hard. "B-Bella?"

My breathing picks up. Bella continues to press small kisses against my skin.

What do I do? I feel like this is taking advantage of her vulnerable state. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't allow this…but it feels so good at the same time. It feels so right.

Her small hands rise up to my cheeks as she moves the butterfly kisses upwards to my jaw until she is finally face-to-face with me.

I stare into her splotchy red face; her eyes are red and puffy from all the crying. Bella is gorgeous even in this messy state.

"Bella I don't thi –,"

"Shh," she presses her forefinger to my mouth, lowering her hand once I stop speaking.

I gaze into her big brown alluring eyes. Long, brown lashes frame them and give her eyes the perfect shape. In the darkness, they reflect the moon shining outside through the window. I easily get lost in the depths of her mesmerizing irises.

Bella takes her thumb, slowly moving it over and caressing my bottom lip. My heartbeat increases, my lips slightly part open as my breathing becomes quick and shallow.

Her eyes shift down to my lips, and then glance up to my eyes.

She closes her eyes as she leans closer to me, our noses almost touching until finally our lips meet with one another.

I close my eyes, shutting them tightly. This can't be happening. I'm still not sure if I should allow this to happen.

I feel the tip of her tongue gently slide across my upper lip.

My resolve is deteriorating rapidly.

She extends her arms up; placing her hands on my shoulders as she gradually brings her hands to interlock around my neck. Bella presses herself closely against my chest.

I can hear and feel her heart thud faster and faster against her rib cage. It's a sound I've grown to love.

I finally release all my apprehension and hesitancy.

I bring my hands up, holding Bella's face between my palms; softly moving my thumb against her cheek. I begin to move my mouth against her lips and my tongue finds hers. Her tongue is like silk to the touch and the scent of strawberries and vanilla is stronger than ever as I drink from the sweetness of her mouth.

The kiss lasts a fleeting moment but also forever. It's deep and intoxicating; something I've never experienced with anyone. We breathe our souls and love into one another with this kiss.

This certainly doesn't feel only one-sided like I presumed.

I finally understand the true meaning of life and love as I gazed into her eyes moments ago seeing the utter wonder on her face, hoping this night would never come to an end.

In this one kiss, I know what is behind all the emotions I have been feeling, and now I know for certain that it makes my love for her grow even more.

Bella moans softly.

Her soft and pink lips are beautifully swollen as we explore each other's mouth.

_AROOOOOOOO!_

The howling echoes in the distance. We pull away from each other quickly.

"Shit," I mutter in concern.

Her eyes widen in fear. "Quil? What's going on?" Bella's voice is laced with dread.

"I don't know but it must be something important for one of the wolves to be near Port Angeles. I left without telling anyone where I was going, so they probably came to look for me and followed my scent," I explain, trying to rationalize the howl.

"Don't go, please? Stay here with me," Bella whispers almost in desperation.

"I would if I could but I can't, I have to go. Look, I'll come see you later on today alright? It's okay nothing's wrong, the guys are probably just looking for me; that's all," I try to reassure her by fixing my eyes on hers.

She nods and looks down with sadness gleaming in her eyes.

I hold her chin and tilt her face up gently to look at me, "Hey, don't worry okay? Everything is fine. I'll be back before you know it. Get some rest in the mean time, alright?" I smile at her.

"Okay," she sighs.

I give her one last peck on the lips before I stand and walk to the window. I open it and jump out quickly without glancing back at Bella. I sprint across the courtyard and into the forest. I explode into my wolf form landing on all fours onto the ground.

I don't hear anyone's thoughts.

I run faster and harder, my paws digging deeper into the muddy, wet earth with each stride.

Why don't I hear any of my brother's thoughts? What the hell is going on?

The run from Port Angeles to La Push is only thirty minutes. I finally arrive in Forks; the silence in my mind is starting to scare me.

My lips curl up and a low growl rumbles through me when I inhale the strong sickly sweet decaying scent that permeates the surrounding atmosphere.

Vampire.


	8. And All Things Will End

**Rated:** NC-17

**Forewarning:** Content regarding references to explicit sex and graphic violence are in this chapter.

**A/N:** Thanks to **TheDarkKnight** for being the supportive hubby in my Twilight/Jacob obsession and for being my pre-reader. BIG hugs and a whole lotta thanks to mi querida **Shawnie**, she's the most amazing Beta I could ask for! I love that woman so much and she's so talented! Go check out her fic **The Ethnographer** if you haven't. Also, MAD love goes to **Pavarti** for her Beta powers as well. Go check out her fics, she's one fantastic author! I don't know what I'd do without these ladies in my life. I am so blessed to know them. :)

I want to give a HUGE THANKS to all my amazing readers here and on the other websites I post to! I have been nominated in the Toxic Lautner Awards in several categories! Go vote if you haven't! http(:)/toxiclautneronline(.)com/toxic-awards/season-1/voting/ I've received so many wonderful comments and reviews that I've been left speechless at times. I've also had the opportunity to get to know some of my readers a little better because of all the interaction through here, Twitter or FB. I truly appreciate all you guys!

I'll be submitting reviews from my readers to TwificPimps for their "Hump Your Readers Wednesday" segment. So be on the lookout, your review may be featured!

**Oh and I imagine Jake's girlfriend, Olivia aka Liv, to look like Jordana Brewster if you don't know who she is, Google her.**

**And in my story, vampires have fangs because what's a real vampire without fangs? The way I see vampires is there are no good vampires, ever. I don't agree with Stephanie Meyer's version of sparkly vamps with no fangs. It's too sissy-lala for me but I kept the sparkle effect in my story just for the sake of sticking to the familiarity we all know. I sort of agree with the way she wrote the newborns. But I don't believe in that "taking three days to transform" crap. When you're sucked on by a vampire, that's it; you die. There's no slow ass process in between that. I'm more inclined to believe Bram Stoker's vampires. In all reality, vampires are considered demons from the history I've studied on them. I also tend to believe even the Cullens can have their own lurking inner demon but they've trained themselves to control it as they've chosen not to live off the blood of humans. Then again, we've seen what's happened when fresh human blood is spilled in front of them.**

But my story is totally OOC in everything anyways. Take what you will but it's my story so I'll write it how I see it in my mind.

You will notice I did something different with this chapter as well when you get to that specific part. I hope you enjoy it!

On with the story…

* * *

**Chapter Seven – And All Things Will End**

_Evil is a point of view. We are immortal. And what we have before us are the rich feasts that conscience cannot appreciate and mortal men cannot know without regret. God kills, and so shall we; indiscriminately He takes the richest and the poorest, and so shall we; for no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves, dark angels not confined to the limits of hell but wandering His earth and all its kingdoms._

_~ Anne Rice (Interview with a Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles)_

* * *

**J.P.O.V.**

"Jake…" the voice resonates from far away.

"Jacob, wake up." The voice continues its attempt to bring me out of my unconscious state. I feel a slight movement against my shoulder.

"Jacob. Wake the fuck up man!" the voice booms in my ear.

I can barely open my eyes and blink the heaviness away. The movement against my shoulder becomes more urgent.

"Mmm…"

"Jake, Sam is waiting for you. We have a pack meeting at his place. Wake. The. Fuck. Up!" I realize it's Paul.

"Go. Away." I mumble against the pillow.

"Asshole, it's an emergency. Wake up NOW! Sam needs us all there."

"Fuck. What time is it?" I groggily ask.

"It's early enough. Now get your ass up and get dressed. We need to go."

"Damn it, Paul. What's the emergency? I'm fucking hung over," I turn my head the other way on the pillow.

I hear Paul sigh. "I can't tell you just yet. Sam needs to talk to all of us. The entire pack is at his place and waiting for you. I was just the unfortunate bastard that got the short end of the stick and had to come drag your ass over there."

"How the hell did I get home last night?" I mumble with my face still buried in the pillow.

"Jared and I dropped you off at your place and you passed out on your bed."

"Damn," I mutter and shift around on the bed attempting to get up. I end up just turning over onto my other side.

"Seriously Jake, it's going to be my ass that Sam chews out if you don't get up and come to the meeting."

"Why is he having a meeting so early, especially on a fucking Saturday?"

"Alright, fuck. I'm not supposed to say anything because he wanted to talk to all of us about last night and there…there was a leech in the area."

My eyes finally pop open. "What?"

"Look, that's all I'm going to say. Get up and let's go."

"Shit, alright. I'm up," I sit up on the edge of the bed. I place my head in my hands while I try to gather all my senses to function properly after the night I had.

I can barely recollect the night before. Only small snippets of scenes from yesterday play in my head.

"Did I come home alone?" I ask turning my head slightly towards Paul.

Paul glances out the window and I see his eyes slightly widen. "Yeah, you did. And you're lucky I pulled your ass away from that bitch you wanted to bring home because your girlfriend just pulled up…and she looks pissed."

"Fuck…I don't want to deal with her right now. Go tell her I'm not here or something," I groan and rub my head.

"Always having to clean up after your shit…," Paul mutters under his breath. "I'm only going to do this because we have to go to Sam's right now. Otherwise, I'd let her cut off your dick right now."

I roll my eyes. "Just tell her I'll call her later."

Paul leaves the room and I get up to search for a shirt and some jeans to throw on. I can hear the muffled voices arguing in the living room as I pull on my clothes.

I walk to the door and open it enough to slip out into the hallway and creep to the bathroom. I push the door open to the bathroom and it creaks louder than a screeching cat.

_Fuck. I need to spray that shit with some WD-40._

I hope to the heavens above that Paul or Liv didn't hear that.

"What the fuck was that Paul?" The high-pitched voice yells.

"I don't know. Look, Jake isn't here right now. I told you he's staying at Sam's. I just came to run some errands for Billy since he's out fishing with Charlie." Paul lies straight through his teeth.

"Move. NOW!" the female voice demands.

I hear the shuffling of feet then footsteps getting close to the hallway.

"Shit," I mutter.

I look up and see my furious girlfriend standing in the hallway with her balled up fists resting on her hips.

"Where the hell were you Jake? I called your cell over twenty times last night and you wouldn't answer my calls! I called your house and your dad said you were out."

"I was out with the guys," I clench my jaw.

"Where? What were you guys doing?" She flails her arms at her sides. "And don't you dare lie to me, Jacob!" She yells pointing at me.

"Can you like, keep you're fucking voice down? I told you. I went out. Paul and Jared brought me home. End of story," I snap at her.

"I ended up calling Leah and thank God for her because otherwise, I wouldn't have known where exactly you were and what you were doing!"

"If you knew where I was then why ask?" I cross my arms.

"Were you drinking again? This makes it a week straight now! What the hell is wrong with you lately? You've been so distant. You haven't been yourself. Please…just tell me what's going on!"

I sigh once more and roll my eyes. "Nothing's been going on. I'm fine. I just don't need you up my ass all the time. I go wherever I want to go. Last time I checked we weren't married. I don't need to tell you every little detail of my life."

"You don't need to be a fucking jerk! I'm worried about you and as your girlfriend for the past six months; I think I deserve to know where my boyfriend is when he doesn't return my calls." She pauses and stares at me, tears filling her eyes. "You aren't the same, Jake. You're acting like when we first met a year ago. Please, just tell me what's going on. I don't want to lose you."

There are only a few things that are my weakness; one is definitely a crying woman.

I let my tough exterior down for this mere moment. "Come here," I pull Liv into my arms to comfort her.

"Is it me? Do you want to break up? What did I do wrong?" She sniffles against my chest.

I rest my cheek against her head. "You didn't do anything. And no, I don't want to break up. I've just…I've just been going through some stuff. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm sorry I took it out on you."

Liv grabs onto my shirt tightly and nods. I rub her back to calm her down.

If it's one thing I'm sure of is that I don't love her but I do care about her. Liv has been there for me when I was so messed up before. We met after she moved to the Rez with her family. At first, we were just friends. I actually owe it to Olivia to be with her because she stood by me in my worst of times and was there to pull me out of the dark abyss I had allowed myself to fall into after Bella's departure.

I realize it isn't fair the way I've been treating her the last month and half. But my emotions are so fucked up since Bella coming back to Forks. When I'm drunk, the pain shrinks into a small knot that I can bury in a darkened corner of my soul.

I did explain to her the reason why I was so fucked up when we first met. I told her Bella had broken me completely and that I wasn't over her. I figured Bella would never come back.

Liv understood and never pushed for anything more than friendship. After a while I figured maybe I should start a relationship with someone. Liv was a good friend and I thought…maybe she'd help me forget Bella.

I mean, it felt good to be in the presence of someone who cared for me so much. Liv wasn't just another pussy I fucked to feel good for a few hours.

I haven't told Olivia that Bella is back.

I know that I'm not in love with Liv though. No one can ever replace Bella in my heart. I still love her so much. With her being back, it's been driving me crazy to think she'll be coming home soon and that I'd have to finally face her. Those feelings just don't go away. Bella was, and still is, everything to me.

The mere thought of losing Bella again just eats away at my soul. I don't think I would be able to live through something like that again. I can't. But yet, at the same time it fucking pisses me off to know she's back. All the things she told me that day she ran away to Florida killed me. Those are things you just don't forgive and forget.

Bella can't just walk back into my life and expect it to be the way it was before. Bella might destroy my relationship with Liv through no fault of her own, just be being here, and I'm not sure I would have the will to fight for Liv.

Why would Bella come back after all this time? Why couldn't she get the help she needed in Florida? Was it just to make me suffer knowing she was within arm's reach yet not being able to touch her or call her mine? What would she say? What would I say?

"Jake?" Liv's voice is muffled against my chest.

"Yeah babe?"

"Why do you smell like women's perfume?" She moves her head back to look up at me.

_Fuck._

"Um…it's probably your perfume. I just grabbed a shirt out of the pile of clothes I had in my room. Some of your stuff was in there," I pray she believes the lie.

She narrows her eyes at me. "Jacob, that's not my perfume. I don't wear that type."

I rub the back of my neck. "There was a party at Quil's house so there were girls there…it may have just got on me while I danced with one of them," I shrug.

Olivia has always been able to catch me in a lie and today would probably be no different.

"Bullshit, Jacob!" She snaps. "Who was she? Did you end up fucking her? Did you bring her home? Is she in your room still?"

"What! No. You can go check if you want. Ask Paul, he was there. Nothing happened!"

I forgot Paul was still waiting for me in the living room.

"But you wanted to, didn't you? I can't believe this Jacob! What the hell is wrong with you? This isn't just some 'stuff' that you're going through. You haven't been this way since…oh my god. Is she back? Is that who you were with last night?" Liv starts to raise her voice hysterically.

"No! I already told you. They were just random girls at the party. Fuck, I can't do this right now. I have to go. Sam is waiting for me. I have to go help him out with something. I'll call you later." I walk past her to go into the living room.

"Jacob, don't walk away from me! I can't believe I was as gullible and blind to why you are so out of it. It's her isn't it?" She grabs my arm to pull me back.

"Olivia, just leave it the fuck alone. I'm not going to stand here and argue with you."

Her tears begin again. "That's why you've barely touched me in the last month and a half, isn't it? Today has been the first time you've actually held me. If that's who you want to be with, then fine! Don't fucking call me when she rips your heart out again!" She stomps her foot like a kid and tries to push past me to leave.

I rub my face. _Fuck_. Do I really want to lose the one person who has truthfully saved me from falling deeper into that black hole of death?

"Wait," I reach out to grab her around the waist to pull her back to me.

She tries to wiggle her body out of my arms by kicking her legs. "No! Let me go! I know how you feel about her. You probably already slept with her, that's why you've been so distant with me, you barely acknowledge me now…"

I growl in frustration. "I haven't slept with anyone but you since we've been together!"

She stops struggling against me. Liv turns to face me, tears run down her face. "Really, then why won't you touch me?" Her lips tremble.

I'm so fucking frustrated at this moment and angry at myself for putting her through this. At least I won't feel bad for sleeping with her since she's my girlfriend. After all, and this is the only way to make her feel secure.

Maybe this is what I need to help me forget Bella.

I turn her around and push her against the wall roughly, hoisting her up so that I'm in-between her legs. "Is this what you want? Do you want me to just fuck you right here?"

She looks at me with lust filling her eyes as her lips part and her breathing becomes caught in her throat.

I quickly capture her full lips with hungry urgency. My tongue reclaims hers fiercely. The kiss isn't sweet or sensual. It's hard and full of desperation. I can smell her arousal now. I push my hardened cock against the dampness between her legs.

I hear someone clear their throat behind us. I pull away from Liv and turn my head.

"Um…sorry to interrupt but remember we have that thing with Sam we have to help him with," Paul states scratching his head, looking very uncomfortable.

I clear my throat. "Yeah, give me like thirty minutes Paul."

"Dude, it's an emergency, remember?" Paul grits his teeth.

"Paul. Thirty minutes," I state harshly.

He huffs. "It's your ass then when we get to Sam's, don't say I didn't warn you."

Paul walks away into the living room and out the front door.

"If you have to go, that's fine…I'm sorry. I just overreacted," Liv apologizes with sadness in her eyes.

"No," I grab hold of her and carry her into my room, kicking the door closed behind us. I toss her on the bed.

"Turn around," I command. She does what I say, turning over on all fours. I pull her jeans off along with her panties. I climb onto the bed hovering above her.

Olivia knows, I need to be dominant in the bedroom and she gladly goes along with it. My wolf demands the satisfaction of claiming something that's mine.

"Now, I'll be in charge for the time being," I whisper into her ear. She nods. I have her firmly pinned against the bed. "Don't move until I tell you to. Do you understand?" I inform calmly.

"Y-yes," Liv whispers, clenching her thighs together under me. I lean back and unzip my jeans, lowering my boxers. I palm myself once before I reach over to the nightstand and pull out a condom, opening the square package and rolling the prophylactic over my fully erect shaft.

I raise her hips slightly. Her upper body is still lying on the bed and her head is against the pillow facing sideways.

I begin to glide myself against the slick wetness of her folds. The warmth between her legs feels so good at the moment and makes me forget about everything.

I ease my throbbing cock inside of her pulsating core. Liv pushes her hips back and moans, "Jacob..."

I stop. "Don't. Move. I'll pull out. Is that what you want?" My breathing is harsh and uneven.

"N-no," she whimpers in desperation.

I push deeper within her heat until finally I enter her fully in one hard thrust. Her cries of pleasure fill the room.

I grab firmly onto her hips as I glide upward, delving deeper inside of her. I groan in blissful agony closing my eyes.

The one person I try to forget is all I see in my mind. The feel of the warm skin under me, I imagine it being _her_. I imagine it being Bella moaning and whimpering at my touch.

I begin rocking hard against her. "Move. Now," I order. We slide together with ease; I continue to push into _her_ glistening moistness as _she_ presses _her_ hips frantically against me.

My eyes are still shut. I can see Bella under me as I give _her_ absolute pleasure. _Her_ tender sweet softness envelopes my pulsing cock. I hear _her_ breathless short, urgent gasps. It's _her_ smooth ivory naked skin under my hands I revel in and caress. I can see Bella's rosy flush on _her_ body as _she's_ writhing against my thighs.

I feel _her_ pulsating, vibrating with need as I continue to thrust in and out of _her_. _She_ moves in synch with me, obeying an instinct _she_ doesn't know _she_ possesses.

My own engorged flesh begins to throb within _her_ as the final moment is near. Bella's body shudders around me, milking my hot sinewy length.

The harsh rushes of my breaths escape as I finally come inside of _her_. The screams and whimpers of _her_ climax are muffled against the pillow as _she_ grips tightly onto the bed sheets.

"Fuck…uh…," I groan out collapsing onto _her_. My breathing is irregular and so is _hers_ as I wrap my arms around _her_ small waist, holding _her_ close, never wanting to lose _her_ again.

"I love you," her voice finally dispels the fantasy and tears me away from the one person I hoped would be under me. I open my eyes to see Liv still facing sideways on the pillow.

I try to regulate my breathing and clear my throat, "I-I…have to go. Sam's waiting for me." I push myself up onto my knees and take the condom off. I throw it away in the trash before pulling up my boxers and pants.

I move off the bed as Liv gets up and grabs her jeans to get dressed.

I walk over to her and cup her cheek as I give her a chaste kiss on the forehead. I close my eyes and linger there for a moment before pulling away.

"I'll call you later, okay?" I speak softly.

She nods without saying a word.

I sigh.

I move towards the door, opening it and walk out without glancing back at her.

* * *

I finally arrive grimy and sweaty to Sam's after I phased. Paul had left me back at the house.

I walk in and see the entire pack sitting in the living room engaged in intense conversation with one another. They stop once they see me appear at the doorway.

Sam rises from his seat and walks over to me. "Jacob," he nods.

I nod back at him.

Paul stands from where he sits and walks over to us. He raises his hands in surrender. "Sam, I told him it was an emergency but he wouldn't hurry his ass up."

Sam looks at me.

"Sam, Liv showed up at my house hysterical and crying. I had to calm her down. Sorry I'm late."

"It's fine. But I expect the next time I have one of your pack brothers go and get you, you comply with my request and obey immediately. Is that understood?" Sam warns in his Alpha tone.

"Yes," I mutter.

"Good. We can get the meeting started now," Sam walks away to go back into the living room.

I walk to where everyone is sitting. I plop myself down next to Quil and Embry. I catch the scent of something familiar. I furrow my brows and turn to glance at Quil who has his head down.

"Quil…" I begin but am interrupted by Sam's booming voice.

"So now that we have everyone we need here, we can discuss what's going on," Sam starts. "First of all, I want to know the reason why the ones that were scheduled to patrol weren't doing their job?" Sam looks at me, Brady, Collin and Paul.

The guys start to mumble incoherently their excuses.

"It was my fault, Sam," I take the blame staring down at the carpet. The other guys quiet down.

Sam walks over to stand in front of me and crosses his arms. "Jacob, you are my second in command. You out of everyone in the pack know the importance of keeping everyone on their scheduled patrols," he lectures me like a fucking kid. "Whatever your excuse was for doing what you guys did last night, I don't care and don't want to know. People could have been killed because of all of your stupidity. Did you just figure that because there hasn't been any vampire activity in the last year that means we can slacken our duties to the tribe?"

"No. It isn't the guys' fault. If you're going to blame anyone it should be me since as you said, it's my responsibility to be in charge of the pack when you're not here. I don't see what the big deal is though. We had a party and nothing happened," I gesture my hands around towards the guys.

"Jacob, that's the problem. You guys were off being idiots and didn't even realize a leech came into the area."

"Wh-what?" I question surprised.

"Seth and Embry were outside of Quil's house when they caught the scent. They ran back into the house to let Jared and Paul know but they had taken you home. Brady and Collin were wasted so they were of no help. So Embry called Leah, and they both phased in the woods. They scanned the parameter of the Reservation and Forks while Seth went to go find Quil –,"

I interject. "Why didn't anyone come and get me?"

Sam glares at me before continuing. "As I was saying, Quil was out of the area so by the time he got into Forks; the guys had phased back into their human forms since the leech apparently got away. Do you understand what I am saying Jacob?"

"Y-yes…I had no idea. I'm sorry Sam."

"Jacob, one of your brothers could have been hurt or worse, killed!" Sam waves his arms in the air dramatically at the situation while walking back and forth in front of me.

"Did you guys see who it was?" I inquire.

"No. It wasn't a scent familiar to us. By the time I ran back to help Embry scan the area it had disappeared," Seth answers.

I look up at Sam. "You don't think it's the red-headed bitch, do you?"

"Your brothers said it wasn't someone familiar. We know her scent. We know the Cullens' scent. It was a new leech. Perhaps a nomad or a drifter, we're not sure," Sam holds his chin while concentrating on the coffee table intensely.

"What do you think it wanted?" Brady pipes up.

"I don't know. It could have been passing through the area for all we know but we can't be certain," Sam shrugs.

"Quil, did you catch a glimpse of anything when you got into Forks?" Sam peers down to where Quil is sitting.

"No. The scent was strong when I got into the area but when I followed it, it led to nowhere. That's when I ran back to the Reservation and found the guys at your house," Quil answers without looking up at Sam.

My brows pinch together as I try to get acquainted with the familiar scent emanating off Quil. The only thing I can pinpoint is that it's sweet but I can't exactly put my finger on it since it's interlaced with Quil's scent.

"Well, the only thing we know for certain is that it's a leech; an unknown bloodsucker that was in the area. We need to keep up patrol and Jacob; your reprimand will be that you'll pick up the extra shifts for allowing the pack to get out of control. We need to all be on the alert. I don't want any of you to pull the crap you did last night. Am I making myself clear?" Sam's commanding voice thunders above us.

"Yes," we all mutter in unison.

"Sam…do you think…maybe with…Bella being back, that's what the bloodsucker was looking for?" Seth's query comes out nervously as he rubs his neck.

"Hmm…I honestly don't know Seth. I think –,"

Paul interrupts. "Shit, maybe it is because of that pale bitch these leeches are back. There wasn't any activity until her return, don't you guys find that a coincidence?"

Quil suddenly stands to his feet. "Paul shut the fuck up. You don't know what the hell you're talking about and don't refer to her like she's not some human being that doesn't deserve respect. She isn't just some bitch these guys," Quil points at me and the rest of the single guys, "pick up to treat like shit."

"Whoa man, no need to get all defensive. I'm just saying…besides, what do you care?" Paul remarks standing up.

"Maybe it is because of her. We all know the kind she attracts," Leah scoffs.

"We can't tell for sure though," Embry retorts.

"Well…what if it was one of the unfamiliar Cullens that came looking for her, maybe they know she's back," Collin speaks up.

I finally realize the aroma now after mentioning all this. It's Bella's scent, faintly there but enough that I know now it's all over Quil. I stand to my feet as well. "Why the fuck are you pointing at me, Quil?" I question in irritation. "And why do you smell like her?"

"What?" The question catches Quil off guard.

"Enough!" Sam yells standing in-between Paul, Quil and I. "We don't know for certain about anything right now. This may or may not have anything to do with Bella's return. All of you need to stop fighting with each other like a bunch of girls and start acting like a pack. Not a bunch of party animals that have no regard for our purpose."

"No. Let Quil answer my question Sam; why does he smell like Bella?" I insist narrowing my eyes at him. I begin to vibrate with the fury rising within me.

"What does it matter to you anyways? You have a girlfriend; her stench is all over you in more ways than one. Aside from that, what about those other bitches you were all over last night?" Quil shouts in a challenging tone.

"That's none of your fucking business," I growl.

"Bella isn't your business either. It's not like you've seen her at all since she's been back!" Quil growls in return.

"Fuck you Quil, you think just because I don't go visit her that means I love her any less? You don't know shit," I sneer. "But you should enlighten me as to why you have her scent all over you? You didn't smell like her when you arrived at the party last night. Come on Quil, humor me," I hold my hands out to my sides expectantly.

Quil smirks. "Just like you say, it's none of your fucking business," he turns and proceeds to walk out of the house.

I try walking after him but Sam stops me in my tracks. "Jacob. Let it go. NOW!" He commands.

_Fucking Alpha orders!_

"Fine!" I snap.

"Jacob, Paul, Brady and Collin…get on patrol now. Patrol until dawn then report back to me before you guys switch off with the others. I don't want any exemptions. Understood?"

We all nod.

"Good. Now get out of my house."

The rest of the guys stand to walk out. Seth puts a hand on my shoulder. I look over at him, "Dude, don't worry. Quil just probably went to Charlie's house for a while to cool off last night. He's been helping him a lot lately with trying to clean out some old junk he's getting rid of before Bella moves back in. I've been busy with school so I haven't been there to help out as often. I don't see why he'd be with her late at night," he taps my shoulder in reassurance.

I exhale a breath and nod. "Seth…how is she?" I hesitantly ask.

Seth smiles, "She's good, man. She's getting the help she needs and she'll be ready to come home in two weeks."

"Right. Two weeks," I state deflated.

Seth's smile dims a bit, "Everything will turn out OK." He taps my shoulder once more before walking away, leaving me to wallow in my own self-pity.

It sounded like she was doing well without me at the rehabilitation facility. Would she be OK without me here? Would she be the same Bella I grew to love before the bloodsucker drained the life out of her?

It's hard to act as if you love someone when you really don't, but it's harder to act like you _don't_ love someone, when you truly do. And no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I'm better off without her, a part of me just won't let go.

Was it worth it? Was she worth this entire heartache?

The pathetic part isn't that with each day that passes I feel like I need her more, but it's the fact that it may be she won't need _me_ at all once she comes back. I'm aware that I'm not over her, but what if she's over me? I'm torn between loving and hating her; it terrifies me to see her because there's the want, the need to be with her but yet, the heartache that I've buried so deep within me will resurface and break me all over again.

As kids, she leaned on me for support. I was there for her in the times she needed a friend. And no matter how much anger I feel, she is my weakness, and I would gladly drop everything for her if she needed me again.

When you truly are in love with someone, their mistakes never change our emotions towards them because it's the intellectual part of our being that gets infuriated. But the heart still cares and loves the person.

They say that 'time heals all wounds', but all time has reminded so far is how much I miss and need Bella in my life.

* * *

**Two Weeks Prior to Pack Meeting**

* * *

Victoria waited under the damp, solitary bridge for her prey to approach.

The night was eerie, unusually foggy for Florida weather. But it was the perfect setting for Victoria's devious plan. She waited on the sidelines in order to strike at the perfect moment. That could have been anytime when Bella was drowning in her pathetic existence with the puny human she called a man.

But Victoria was too entertained to kill a prey that was just so trouble-free. After all, what was the fun in that? Victoria liked the chase. She liked the game. In fact, she loved it so much she left Bella alone as she continued to watch her fall deeper into her own destruction.

But Victoria wasn't alone. Laurent had stood by her side and gladly pursued in the same hunt.

They watched the busy streets of downtown Miami where the excitement of the town was, cynically laughing and taking pleasure in the merriment of each human caused by the strong alcohol the humans quenched their thirst with and made these humans act foolishly. This was certainly different for the vampires as they had no knowledge or inclination for that sort of thing. They never craved what these humans wasted their nights away with.

At times, in their boredom, they stalked poor unsuspecting humans until the final moment of their demise, which Victoria and Laurent caused as they joyfully sucked the life out of each one. They killed sporadically as to not get caught though. They kept hidden in the tunnels underneath the busy streets during the day time. They both loathed the city life but they couldn't bear to abandon their favorite prey.

They continued to wait patiently. Waiting for the moment when Bella would open her eyes and claim she was worth something on this pitiable planet they were all stuck on. Waiting for the moment when she would return to Forks and search for the Cullens once more.

_Waiting. Waiting. Waiting._

As they waited though, they soon realized Bella may have been moving on with someone else who was not Edward Cullen. They didn't recognize this being with blond hair and blue eyes who clung to Bella like a dark shadow. It certainly got interesting as they saw the relationship progress.

It wasn't the typical relationship they expected Bella to be in. It was so different from the one they witnessed with Edward. But it fascinated both Laurent and Victoria because they began to see true evilness in this man's heart. They derived a sadistic pleasure from seeing the events unfold before them.

Victoria and Laurent seemed to grow fond of this Brian character Bella took up residence with. The way Brian physically and emotionally abused Bella caught Victoria's attention the most. He was certainly a man that didn't take no for an answer, nor did he let himself get pushed around. He had people begging at his feet for mercy. He was a strong figure in what he did for a living; although the vile disgusting chemicals he deposited into his body did not give Victoria the satisfaction that his stellar personality did.

Month after month, she noticed Bella's abdomen start to grow. This peaked her interest so much that now, Victoria realized she'd have even more enjoyment hunting and killing Bella…and her child.

A malevolent thought suddenly popped into Victoria's evil little head as she continued to watch Bella and Brian's relationship develop. She could ultimately use him as a pawn in her game. His enjoyment came from inflicting misery upon others. Brian's heart overflowed with pure unadulterated wickedness, which became clear after what Victoria and Laurent witnessed when Bella lost that child she had conceived with this being. That was what hit the last nail in the coffin so to speak. It did sadden Victoria but only because now, it was back to hunting the pale, pathetic, weak little girl once more.

Brian reminded her so much of James. He had no regard for human life. He killed when it pleased him: when things didn't go his way with his drug deals or with the women he slept with. She became more enamored with this being; the feeling was a thousand times stronger than the hate she held towards Bella. She almost forgot the purpose of their mission. Laurent had to continuously remind her when she would demand they turn Brian into one of them.

Laurent would reassure her, "All in due time, Victoria. Be patient. His time will come."

Until finally one day, they sat perched atop a high business building, still lurking at night, when they saw Bella run out of the building across the street in hysterics. The sight of Bella made Victoria's dead heart fill with brutal hatred. It spread like cancer throughout her entire callous being. It made it impossible to think of anything else at that moment except how much Victoria wanted to watch Bella crawl on the floor after she tore at her throat; begging for clemency as she drowned in her own pool of blood.

Victoria was always the impatient one out of the two who wanted nothing more than to inflict torture upon Bella in her weak state before she drained her dry.

Victoria couldn't take much more of this waiting; it had been almost two years after all. It was beginning to be tiresome for Victoria not having the game she would have liked. But Laurent, always the one with reason, made a good point _Wait and see where she runs to. This could be the opportunity we have been waiting for._

Laurent saw the potential from everything that had transpired. He knew that if Brian was to be turned into one of them, he may be the most vicious being created of their kind. And it would surely make the game more interesting.

Once again he was the voice of reason as he brought this to Victoria's attention.

_Watching. Watching. Watching._

They soon realized Bella would be heading back to Forks after they witnessed her seek the help of her parents. And this was all the more reason to wait. Bella would be going back into known territory; territory where it all began. The excitement began to rise in Victoria all over again. But they did not return to Forks immediately after Bella's departure.

Victoria and Laurent stayed behind in Florida and kept a watchful eye on Brian. They saw how enraged he became once he found out Bella was no longer under his command.

Brian went to look for her at his house; he went to look for her where they both used to experience their euphoric highs after doping up and lastly, Brian went to Renée's house to look for her. However, Renée didn't disclose any information regarding Bella's whereabouts. This infuriated Brian even more, to say the least. He shoved Renée roughly and swore he'd find her daughter and make her return with him; whether she wanted to or not.

He fell deeper into his addiction than he already was. Brian overdosed several times in the month and half they watched him and he had been brought back to life only by the mercy of the higher being that existed. He continued in his debaucheries with drugs, sex and violence.

Brian still wanted Bella though.

He had no clue where to even start looking for her. He didn't know anything about her past life in Forks. Renée certainly wouldn't give him any information. She actually filed a restraining order against him, since he tried several times to go back to her house in Jacksonville.

Brian drowned his sorrows over Bella in what he knew best. It was back to square one for him as he lived his life alone without the one he loved to control by his side.

Brian definitely didn't lack the touch of a woman. He could take whatever woman he desired, whether by her free will or by his force. He wasn't bad looking for all the shit he got into, which was his advantage. He could also pay for sex if he wished.

Today was no different from the last few weeks. He found himself in a modern brothel: the 'gentlemen's club'. So many beautiful bitches surrounded him, all willing to take off their clothes at his command…in exchange for a few dollars, of course.

Brian enjoyed the scent of a woman dancing so close to him. The way her hips swayed to the vibrating bass of the music around the pole or on his lap; the way each tiny piece of clothing slid off her body and exposed her voluptuous breasts that he eagerly sucked on when he paid the right price. And he especially enjoyed the taste and feel of her wet pussy when he ate her out in the private rooms in the back. When his cock throbbed painfully and wanted a release from all the foreplay, he dropped the thousand dollars it required in order for him to fuck said pussy. He did this with many, many women.

There were a few times he took these women without their consent. Brian had to show these bitches who was in control. It gave him satisfaction to know the whore was at his mercy. He loved to hear a woman screaming and crying, begging for sympathy. This gave him a sense of power. He took pleasure when the women would refuse him and he'd have to beat the shit out of them so they comply with his request. It didn't matter what the women felt: all he cared about was what his cock wanted at the moment.

_Take. Take. Take._

He actually ended up choking these bitches to death because they just wouldn't listen to his demands. Those were usually the skinny crack whores who would have sold their own child for a hit.

All that mattered were his needs.

Once he was finally satisfied with the night's events he stumbled out of the whore house, drunk and high as usual. The stench of the filthy place lingered on his clothes, the haze in his mind heavy as he swayed on his feet to reach his destination.

Victoria smelled his approach and thought _this may be easier than I expected_. Laurent stood aside; he had agreed to allow Victoria to play with her rag doll before she accomplished her purpose.

She approached her unsuspecting prey as Brian staggered through the empty streets into an alleyway.

Brian looked up to see the figure of a beautiful red-head approaching him. Was he dreaming? This couldn't possibly be real at this time of night. A beautiful unsuspecting vulnerable woman within his grasp. Little did he know this was no ordinary, vulnerable woman. He had absolutely no idea this would be the last night he would ever take his last necessary breath.

Victoria's sweet, melodic, childish voice caught his attention, "Brian, I've been waiting for you."

How did she know his name? He had no recollection of ever meeting this woman.

Brian gazed at her with blurred vision, unsure of what to say. What he saw as she approached were eyes he had never witnessed before. The crimson irises captivated him from where she stood, only a few feet away. Eyes like the vast sea one looks at and becomes lost in, mysterious and beautiful.

The long red curls that framed her vivid pale face were stunning; hairs like the dancing flames of the fire that teased him. The curve of her hips and the fullness of her lips enraptured him. Something in him knew she had seen all the wonders of the world and indeed all the unknown secrets the universe held as well. He was nothing compared to this exquisite being walking towards him.

"Don't be frightened. I've come to save you from death," she spoke innocently. In the blink of an eye, Victoria stood right in front of him. She brought her hard icy cold hand to caress Brian's face. He shivered at her touch.

"You may not know me but I know you. And there's one thing we have in common…," she trailed off.

Her cool breath also sent shivers down his spine. The scent of this woman was intoxicating. Victoria knew the dazzling effect all vampires possessed was impossible for a mere mortal to resist. She used it to her advantage, and she used it well.

"And what might that be?" Brian answered almost in a stupor.

Victoria gazed into his eyes before answering. "…Bella Swan," she informed coolly.

At the mention of _that_ name Brian snapped out of the spell he had fallen under. "What about that bitch?" he seethed.

She giggled cynically. "Brian, I am not what you see. I am just a figment of your mind's eye and I come to you as a savior of sorts. Watching you has made me suffer greatly and for that, I ask that you allow me to end your pain tonight. All this suffering will end for both of us," Victoria whispered into his ear.

"Unless…you don't desire all that I have to offer you? A life of never having to suffer the pain all these humans look for in their dismal lives. You will never again seek the remedy of those substances you force into your body. Your body will no longer crave those drugs…the drug you will crave will be one of utter ecstasy that can't be described to a mere mortal. Anything and everything will be at your dispense. If this is not what you desire, I will walk away now and you will never see me again…but without me, you will never find Isabella Swan."

Victoria stepped back after she taunted the forbidden but delectable fruit in front of his face, just as Eve did to Adam when the Serpent made man fall into sin. She waited for his response. She knew what this man desired more than anything in this world – power. The power to feel invincible, the power to take what didn't belong to him, the power to feed the monster that begged to be unleashed.

And as usual, Victoria knew that with what she offered, she fed the seed of lies that had already been imbedded in his iniquitous heart. But she also instilled the yearning for immortality without Brian's realization.

Brian mulled over all that Victoria had presented to him. He hated his life even though he couldn't admit it. It was like living in a prison but the only one who was locked away and chained was him. What Victoria offered sounded like it could be the key to freeing his soul. And if this was the only way to get to Bella again, he certainly couldn't pass up the offer.

Yet, he was reluctant to follow this unearthly creature which stood before him. He had rarely been afraid before but the feeling started to course with the warm blood flowing through his veins.

Jealousy began to consume his black heart because he wanted what she had. He coveted the power. Why had it taken so long to find this woman? For her to find him?

"Wait…if you leave, I'll just be trapped in my own prison. You're the only one that can free me," he responded to her. "I want what you offer. I want what you have, show me the life you speak of. Take me to _**her**_," he demanded darkly.

An exultant grin spread across Victoria's pale face. "Do you know what you ask of me? I can and will set you free but know this: you will have to reject yourself in order for you to not suffer the same fate as a mortal man. Would you be able to bear living an existence for eternity? Is this what you really want?"

"Yes. I'm at your mercy; don't you see the life I've been living? I want more!" He began to shout. "And you can give me that, give me whatever it is that you offer! I said that –" Brian never finished his sentence.

Victoria leapt at him, pulling him close to her and showed herself for what she truly was, her eyes turning into pools of inky blackness, her hair flaming wildly around her face.

Brian's eyes grew wide and he was frozen in terror; he couldn't comprehend what this dark creature before him had become.

She answered his unspoken question. "The Hominis Nocturna."

Victoria swiftly turned his head sharply to one side. The raised bumps on his skin became visible as her tongue snaked its way out of her cold hard mouth to taste her prey; soon he'd become the puppet whose strings would be pulled to follow her every command.

The final moment had finally arrived and all the waiting for the past two years was made deliciously worth it for Victoria. The scent of his irony blood emanated strongly, calling her; begging her to take, take, take.

_Kill. Kill. Kill._ Her vampire instinct whispered darkly to her.

She hissed as she opened her mouth. Brian felt her icy lips on the warm tender pulsing flesh of his neck, the jugular veins pumped harder and faster as he was frightened and panicked, making him all the more appealing to Victoria.

Brian struggled aggressively in her stone hard grip but for the first time, his strength was no match against the deadly vampire. His violent piercing screams echoed through the night as he felt her canines tear into his flesh, her fangs sinking deep where they belonged. Sweet and hot was her crimson high as she greedily savored the now flowing blood into her mouth.

_Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub._

His heart still beat.

Brian's pulse was fading as she drank. Victoria finally removed herself from him raising her head; hissing and trembling in satisfaction. She stopped so that he could linger in the state between life and death. Her arms released his body letting it drop to the hard, cobblestone ground. She lapped up every drop of the red liquid that smeared around her mouth.

Slowly and painfully he was dying. Darkness began to invite him to sleep.

Brian lay almost lifeless until he began thrashing; every inch of his body burst into flames. It burned down to the depths of his soul. He was incinerated by the poison Victoria injected into him with the daggers of her mouth. His bone marrow felt like it was exploding within him. Brian was certain the fire that consumed him would reduce him to ashes. He never longed for death so desperately as he did at this moment.

Just like a lamb to the slaughter, the red liquid continued to spill from the shredded flesh at his neck. The blood flowed out of his own mouth as he gagged and spat, frantically gasping for a breath his mortal body begged for. All that was heard through the stillness of the night were the soft gurgles of his pleas for mercy and forgiveness.

"This is where your old life will end. This is where your new existence begins," she spoke coldly.

Victoria watched in contentment as he continued to shriek and convulse in agony. She watched as the demon began to rise within Brian. Soon she'd have the perfect creation to destroy the one person she had been tracking for what seemed like an eternity.

Human life was what she loathed and despised, but most of all, it was Bella Swan who had to be annihilated.

Victoria took what she needed but the demon within _her_ tried to take the lead now.

_Kill! Kill! Kill!_ It demanded of her as the outflow of the crimson elixir pooled all over the ground began to tempt Victoria.

She covered her ears to drown out the voices in her own head.

Victoria knew exactly what she wanted from Brian but _her_ demon had other ideas. It continued to whisper in her ear as she tried resisting it. She had to make it to the moment Brian would be born into his immortal existence.

_Lub – dub… Lub – dub… Lub – dub…_

His heart slowed in an arrhythmic beat until finally…silence. It was too late for her to act on instinct; Victoria's own demon finally receded to hide itself deep within her until the next time it needed to be fed.

Victoria lowered her hands from her ears and peered down at the lifeless body that lay before her. She crouched down to caress Brian's face. It was so cold and pale, hard as marble.

To her, he was perfect; angelic and exquisite.

Brian's fate was being sealed in stone. She stood over his body and awaited the transformation to be complete.

The frenzied, unearthly hisses and screeches erupted from the demonic creature that lay on the ground. It was the resonance of the incubus. It had now been unleashed from Brian and given free rein on this Earth.

Victoria grinned triumphantly at the creation she breathed eternal life into. Born into dark paradise; the eternal lands welcomed him with open arms.

This made her feel like a goddess.

The angel of death arose and stood before her with his now glowing crimson eyes.


	9. Still Fighting It

**A/N:** I am so SORRY for the LONG ass hiatus. But I have a very good reason as to why I went M.I.A. :) RL just went to shit after the holidays with work. If life didn't seem shitty enough, well it wasn't, my grandfather passed away in January so I flew out to California to be with my family for a while. Then to make matters worse, my husband decided to divorce me – with that said though, it's definitely for the better. I am a better and happier person without him. After that, I had to re-evaluate my priorities and such. SO, with the legal proceedings and all, it's been quite hectic the last couple of months.

This chapter isn't as exciting but it sets up what I have planned for the next couple of chapters but hey! be happy you got SOMETHING! :P Hopefully, I can get into my writing again and update more frequently like I was doing before, but I won't make any promises and the updates will happen when they do. Thanks for continuing to stick with me though. **HUGE thanks to my BETAs: Shawnie & Pavarti – without them, this story would totally suck. I will say, this chapter is MOSTLY BETA'd. I was just so anxious to post already. I sent this chapter to them a while back. They've been great at BETAing what they could while they've had RL happenings as well. I'll re-post when they have a moment to look it over once more.** So any mistakes you find: totally my fault. And a BIG thanks to Twiggs and Justy - they've pushed and helped me SO much with this story. Happy reading!

_Suggested listening: Safewaters by Chevelle; The Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen; Dream On (Broken Dreams Mix) by Depeche Mode.  
_

* * *

**Chapter Eight – Still Fighting It**

**Q.P.O.V.**

The gravel crunches underneath the wheels of my car as I smoothly pull up to the familiar driveway.

I step out of the vehicle and walk around to the trunk and pop it open. I grab the items I came to drop off and close the trunk with a loud thud.

Briskly walking up the pathway and onto the porch steps, I finally reach the red front door. Knocking on it only twice, I don't wait too long before I hear the footsteps shuffling towards the front of the house.

The door swings open and I find myself facing a relaxed Charlie holding a can of beer in one hand. "Hey son, what brings you to this neck of the woods today?" He brushes down his mustache with his hand and peers out into the driveway.

Uncomfortably I shift from one foot to the other trying to think of some way to make this sound like a casual visit. Before I can say anything though he whistles long and low. "That's some nice ride you have there. What is that? One of those BMW's right?"

Charlie admires my new sophisticated black 740i. I have to admit, with its European design, gracefully curved roof and longish nose, this car is probably the envy of everyone living in Forks and La Push.

"Uh…yeah," I shift uncomfortably once again.

"Don't worry son, I won't ask how much it cost. I know a thing or two about cars myself."

"Yeah well, I'm not saying you don't. It's just that I don't want to make it seem like I'm flaunting it or whatever. I actually just traded in my last car for this one; saved up some money and finally was able to get rid of the old Honda. I had that car since I was sixteen; figured it was time for an upgrade." I shrug one shoulder.

"Well good for you. You've earned it with all the hard work you've been doing." He smiles genuinely. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today?"

"Um yeah…I passed by the hardware store earlier today when I left my office and picked up some boxes for Bella. I thought she'd need them since she'll have to pack to come home next week." I raise the flat brown objects in my hand.

Embarrassment then gratefulness flash across Charlie's face; maybe the kind gesture on my part was a little too much for him to handle?

He clears his throat before speaking, "Oh, great! Thanks a lot. That saves me some time from having to drive down there myself. I know Bella would appreciate these too." "Sue's working a double shift and I'm just watchin' the game. You want to come in and have a cold one?"

"You won't arrest me if I say yes, will you? I'm still not twenty-one yet, Charlie."

"Hell, it's the weekend. I'm off duty as Chief Swan. Today, I'm just good ol' Charlie Swan: proud member of the neighborhood watch."

I chuckle. "I'll come in but I'll pass on the cold one; maybe next time. I still have to drive home."

He guffaws. "See, that was a test. You passed."

"Good to know." I grin, following Charlie inside.

"Sit down, make yourself comfortable. I would offer you something to eat but since Sue isn't here, well... I have to fend for myself, which means I'll be ordering pizza tonight."

"I'm cool, thanks Charlie." I walk to the stairs and set the boxes down near the bottom step.

"Sure."

I move to the living room area and sit in the recliner chair across from Charlie.

He lowers the volume on the television and turns to face me. "How's work going? Bella tells me you've been pretty busy lately. I assume it's been good given what's parked in my driveway." Charlie's tone is genuinely impressed and his full attention to me shows he's actually interested in hearing about my work.

"Yeah, I've had a lot of closings so it's been a good year since I've started my business. I've also had to help Sam with some things in his construction business; he's been looking at some property for an off-site office building. He's tired of having his office in that on-site trailer."

_And I've had to be on alert and patrol longer hours because of some fucking leeches._

"That's good." He nods setting the can of beer on the coffee table. "Oh, before I forget in my old age; I've been having some back pain lately, so I'm glad you came by. You think you could carry some boxes that I have in Bella's room up to store away in the attic?"

"Sure, no problem," I stand to follow Charlie upstairs.

When we reach Bella's old room, there are several medium sized boxes in the corner, each labeled in black marker with the name of the items they're packed with.

I stand at the entryway and place my hands on either side of the door frame.

I have never been in Bella's room. I feel as if I'm entering forbidden territory, like I'm invading a land that isn't mine. The only person from the pack that's been in her room is Jake. I just don't feel right being in here without Jake knowing. The way things are right now; if Jake were to somehow come here and catch my scent, I don't think it'd be a good outcome.

Charlie walks in and points to the brown boxes. "Here they are. It's just some stuff Sue and I had stored in here while Bella was away…"

I glance around to take in the detail of the room: a large cork board hangs on one wall with lots of pictures, posters, post-its and other items. Tattered books are stacked inside an antique book case. A vintage wooden desk with papers scattered across sits on the opposite end. The light blue sheer curtains hanging from the only window allow the scarce rays of sunlight to illuminate the darkened room as my eyes finally settle on her bed. The blue and purple bed sheets with the girly floral design definitely don't seem like they're something Bella would have picked out.

Thoughts cross my mind as to whether that Popsicle dick ever touched her intimately in that same bed. Or whether her and Jake ever...

_It's none of your business. She isn't yours,_ my subconscious reminds me.

"Quil?" Charlie's voice resonates through the room.

I blink several times while snapping out of my absent-mindedness. I look up at him across the way.

Charlie's brow is raised and his hands are resting on his waist.

_You stupid ass, don't make things awkward by having jealous thoughts about his daughter._

I clear my throat. "Uh…yeah, just tell me where to put them." Striding into the room, I bend down to pick up one box at a time to begin taking them into the attic.

I could have stacked them all on top of each other and carried them at one time, but I don't need Charlie asking questions about my freakish ability to lift ten boxes without breaking a bead of sweat. Especially since these boxes feel like they weigh twenty pounds each.

I huff just for show. "Jeez Charlie, do you have rocks stuffed in here?"

"Oh you know Sue, all her quilting junk she brought from her old house. And she says I'm the hoarder. You should see all the useless stuff she keeps," he laughs.

I shake my head and smile.

Charlie follows me out and pulls down the attic steps for me to begin climbing up and down the ladder to store the boxes.

As I'm walking back and forth to finish my task, he begins to chat about how the kids at Forks High aren't what they used to be, apparently they're all hoodlums that always seem to have a run-in with Chief Swan.

I listen intently, nod, and chuckle at the appropriate moments.

He finally changes the subject to a more sensitive topic, but Charlie knows that I've been getting close to Bella while visiting her in the past months.

"So, are you excited as I am that my Bells is comin' home next week? I know Sue is excited too. We all are. I'm glad she'll be home, this is the place where she belongs."

I pretend to struggle lifting the box over the ceiling into the attic. I climb back down and wipe the invisible sweat off my brow.

Walking back into the room I roll up my sleeves to keep up the façade of making this look like real work for me. "Of course, I'm glad she'll be near her family and friends. I think she needs that. I know she's been having a hard time being alone at the treatment center. She really wants to be with her family. She really loves you guys. She's constantly telling me how grateful she is to have you."

_We'll also be able to protect her from the bloodsuckers if she's near. The patrols Seth and I have been running near the facility in Port Angeles are taking their toll on us._

Charlie leans against the door crossing his arms. "Quil, I want to say thank you for being a good and supportive friend to my daughter throughout all this. Sue and I are there for her but we know it's not the same as talking to someone her age, someone she feels close to. Every time she mentions you've been by, her face lights up like…someone I'm about to release from the jail." He snorts.

I burst out in laughter.

I grab the last box and carry it up into the attic. "I'm glad to know I've had such a positive effect on her life. I do care about her a lot, Charlie. I would never do anything to hurt her."

"I trust you, son. I can tell you're a good man. You've changed a lot too over the past year and I'm proud of you. I remember that time I caught you guys smoking pot behind the old sawmill. But look at you now – you're a successful businessman."

I feel a bit embarrassed but we both end up bursting into loud laughter at the memory.

"Yeah, don't remind me. I can't believe you remember that." I shake my head walking up the ladder.

But I feel honored to hear Charlie think so highly of me. God knows how many times he busted me as a teen doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places.

I climb down and raise the steps, closing the attic door. "Alright," I dust my hands off. "That was the last of 'em. You need me to do anything else while I'm here?"

"Nah. Thanks though. I appreciate it." Charlie leans off the door frame and pats my shoulder lightly before he walks downstairs.

I follow after him. "Mind if I wash my hands?"

"Go ahead." He nods in the direction of the kitchen.

I walk to the kitchen sink, turn the water on, and squeeze some soap out of the fancy container Sue has nearby. The aroma of fresh apples wafts in the air.

I glance back as I'm washing my hands and see Charlie walking to the fireplace to grab something off the mantle.

"I bought Bells one of these blueberry phones. It's a nifty little thing. I guess it's s'posed to do all kinds of stuff. I thought she'd need a cell phone when she comes home." He speaks loudly walking back towards me.

Charlie flashes the sleek black phone in front of me as I'm drying my hands on a small towel hanging from the oven.

I cough to hide my laughter when I see the gadget. "You mean a Blackberry? I have one of those. She'll love it."

Charlie slightly frowns. "Oh. Yeah, one of those; I'm not to up-to-date with all this technology. I just need a cell phone that works." He shrugs. "Let me give you her number, that way you'll have it programmed in your phone already."

I look up at him surprised but I don't hesitate to quickly pull out my phone and enter the number.

"Thanks!" I reply eagerly.

Having a mainline to Bella isn't what I expected to get from Charlie. I'm flattered he would allow me to have her number. And this way, I could talk to her whenever I want. She'd only be a phone call or text away. I wonder if I'm the only one who would have it besides her parents.

The winning smile spreads across on my face. I feel like I'm top of the world today.

Charlie's brows scrunch together in concentration before speaking again. "Listen, I know with her coming home next week there's going to be a lot of gossip in town and all. And, I know she'll have to face Jake sooner or later." He rests a hand on my shoulder. "Just…be there for her. That's all I ask."

I guess Charlie knows how bad the situation is between those two. Although he doesn't say much, I can see the glint of sorrow in his eyes.

My demeanor turns forlorn at how fucked up the circumstances currently are.

Charlie purses his lips, his mustache is twitching and his face colors to almost a bright red. Ire replaces the gleam of sadness that was in his eyes moments ago. "Jacob is like a son to me, but he needs to get his own life straightened out as well."

I breathe out heavily. "I can't stop her or Jake if they want to hash things out. He may be my best friend but that doesn't mean I agree with every decision he makes in his life. But Charlie, I'll do my best to be there for Bella if she lets me."

The side of his mouth begins turning into a slight smile. He shuffles on his feet and mumbles, "Glad to hear that."

The melody of The Cramps' _I Was a Teenage Werewolf_ blares from my pocket.

I snicker before pulling out my phone and look at the number flashing on the screen. "Sorry Charlie, but I have to take this. Work calls."

He nods. "I'll leave you to it then."

Charlie walks back into the living room, grabbing his beer. He hikes his feet up on the coffee table and melts down into the sofa in front of the television.

I press the green 'talk' button. "'Lo?"

**_"Hey, Quil man!"_**

"Yeah, what's up Mike?"

As much as I loathe the little weasel Mike Newton, because Jake had told me how he tried to pressure Bella to date him in high school; he is one hell of an escrow officer that is always on top of things. He's worked next to me for the last year. I hate to say it, but he's someone I can depend on, business wise.

**_"I hate to do this to you since I know you just left the office but…shit man; there was a problem with the lender on that property you were expecting to close today…"_**

"Damn…are you sure?"

**_"Yeah dude, the deal might fall through due to some issue with the appraisal on the property. The lender needs to go over some additional information with you before they can proceed...so if you need this like, to be done today; you have to come back to the office."_**

"Fuck," I mutter under my breath. "Alright, I'll be there in forty-five minutes. Bye."

I press the red 'end' button and shove the phone back into my pocket.

_Well, so much for getting off early from work for a day of relaxation. If I want to be successful in life, these are the sacrifices I must make,_ I sigh.

I trudge to where Charlie is comfortably sitting, enjoying his beer. He looks so carefree. I was looking forward to possibly hanging out with him and watching the game for a bit.

"Charlie, I have to go. Work stuff came up and I must handle it. I need to head back to the office, unfortunately."

"Oh, well that's too bad. You should have had a cold one when you had the chance. Then you would've had an excuse not to drive all the way back out there," he chortles waving his beer can in the air.

I laugh at his comment. My relationship with Charlie was so easy-going since Bella had come back into his life _and_ mine. It was strange that I could get along with Charlie this way. Growing up, most of the pack referred to him just as Chief Swan. Only Jake had the close relationship to call him by his first name.

I felt a part of Charlie's family. His acceptance was crucial to my relationship with Bella. I knew she loved her parents more than anything and what they thought mattered a great deal. If I was on Charlie's good graces, Bella and I could become even closer and maybe one day…

_Whoa! You're acting as if he's going to be your father-in-law one day_. I freeze at the thought. _Get those fucking notions out of your head; it's never going to happen._

_Why wouldn't it happen though? She kissed you. It had to have meant something. You just don't randomly kiss people...especially like that._

_Damn it! Shut up!_

I run a hand through my hair and down to rub the back of my neck. All these thoughts have me restless and I may be walking out of here more confused as ever.

I move to the front door and open it. "Thanks. I knew I should have taken you up on that offer," I smile. "I'll see you around, and tell Bella I'll come see her as soon as I can this week."

He grins, delighted, and waves goodbye. "Sure will. Have a safe drive."

I walk out shutting the door behind me. Walking to my car, I'm lost deep in the complexity of my thoughts.

My mind always comes back to her. Everything fades when she's around. The way her soft lips felt against mine was incredible and to hear our hearts beating in sync is something I never imagined would happen.

I never thought this feeling would find me one day, let alone with Bella. She's all over my mind, in my every thought, and in my every mental crevice.

Everything about her captivates me, especially when I look into her eyes and see everything I need.

The dreams that haunt me every night are the ones I can't forget. They all revolve around her.

These dreams didn't exist until I realized the feelings she evoked from me. In my dreams I see into the future, _our_ future. Together as one: _creating_ life together. I want to grasp onto and believe they can actually become reality. But they're the ones I have to fight against because I realize it isn't possible.

Those dreams disappear when I think of my pack brother. He's always at the forefront of my mind too. I can't ignore the fact there is a history between them. And that's something I can't compare to because even though Jake may seem bitter and resentful toward her, he loves her unconditionally. He knows the true depths of her soul and the secrets she keeps behind those sincere auburn eyes.

Is it possible for us to create our own history now? Is it time for her to learn to leave the past and finally move forward? Could it be that the bond Bella and I are creating is in fact love?

Love: one simple word that could breathe eternal life into you. But one that could destroy you for eternity.

The feelings flood over me like a tidal wave rushing ashore which I can't control. And when I struggle against it and I think the feelings recede, the growing love I have for her is imprinted on my heart. It isn't something that can be easily washed away.

What attracts me to Bella is her ability to put others before her. She is giving and caring, always unfathomably gracious in nature. Her contagious laugh is irresistible and draws you in, her smile makes the gloomiest of days radiantly brighten up like the sun glimpsing through the clouds after a rain fall.

The little things she does to make me feel better are incredible, like sending a simple thoughtful note with Sue or Charlie to pass along. It's adorable the way Bella wrinkles her nose when she disagrees with something. Even though she is gorgeous on the outside, the splendor of her beautiful soul follows her wherever she goes.

I wonder if all this is too good to be true. What scares me most is the thought of losing her when she isn't even mine to begin with. I believe fate brought us together for a reason – what that is, I don't know. I don't know what tomorrow may bring. All I can do is appreciate each day I have with her.

There isn't anything I need to do to convince myself that what I feel for her is genuine because everything I've felt in the past doesn't compare to what I sense when I'm with her.

All I can do is patiently wait for the day when she'll be ready to love again.

There's a saying I heard from my grandfather but never believed until now: a soul-mate is not a person who comes into your life and loves you the way you want to be loved. Rather, a soul-mate will love you the way you need to be loved.

This time, it'll be the true and pure love she deserves.


	10. The More You Live, The More You Love

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Twilight Saga. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Content Warning:** Crude humor, strong language.

**A/N:** SUPER thanks to Pavarti & Shawnie – they are THE MOST AMAZING BETAs EVER! Seriously. :) Thanks to Justy & Twiggs for pre-reading. 3

_Suggested listening: Ready to Start by Arcade Fire; The Face by Kings of Leon; Amber by 311_

* * *

**Chapter Nine –** **The More You Live, The More You Love**

_"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."_

_~ Marilyn Monroe_

**One Week Later**

**B.P.O.V.**

I stare at the familiar beige ceiling above me.

"So how have you felt the last few days, Bella?" Dr. Lehman inquires while setting her black notebook on her lap. "This is your last session. You will be discharged tomorrow. How does that make you feel?"

"I've been okay. I'm excited about going home, and a little bit anxious, of course." I run my fingers through strands of my hair. "I guess…after our last session I still felt like shit afterwards. It's hard for me to grasp the reality of all that's happened. I've been lonely. Seth and Quil were nowhere to be found the last couple of days. My dad has been working long hours at the station. It was becoming really difficult again to get a grip on myself."

I hope the doctor doesn't think I'm back tracking with this. I wouldn't want to stay here longer than I've already had to endure. I know for certain I've made significant progress and I'm one-hundred times a stronger person than who I was.

"You have been through a lot," the doctor remarks with a sincere smile. "You went through something very traumatic, and you have to give yourself time to heal. It could take months, or even over a year. Those types of wounds take time to heal. You just have to let those wounds breathe so they can heal properly."

"Yeah, I get all that…I'm just," I sigh. "…I feel confused." I close my eyes and I bring my fingers to rub small circles on my temples.

"What are you confused about, Bella?" Dr. Lehman knits her brows together and adjusts her glasses over her prominent nose.

I lower my hands and shift uncomfortably for a moment on the chaise lounge. "I had an unexpected visitor last week...after hours."

Dr. Lehman purses her lips and shifts forward on her chair before answering. "Although we don't allow visitors past the set visiting hours; as long as this person was not from your past and doing anything that they know they were not supposed to be doing – with you…"

I sit up quickly and turn to face her because I know where she's going with her remark. "No! It wasn't Brian. God, I haven't even heard from him in ages," I calm myself and lay back down. "Quil appeared at my window a few nights ago, which scared me for a minute because I didn't know who the hell would come to see me at that hour. I was…elated when I realized it was him. So, I let him in my room since Johanna was in that sleep study thing. We just talked for a long while. He told me about the shitty night he had and then I told him about everything that happened while I was in Florida."

"Oh. Well how did he react to the information?"

"He was absolutely – great. He sat there and listened, like _really_ listened. He didn't question my decisions and he didn't look at me like some worthless whore. Quil makes me feel safe and…loved. This is the confusing part because I've never seen the lines blur between us being more than friends but in that moment, everything he said – everything he did to comfort me – it all seemed just so…_right_." I pause and hang my head in shame. "I kissed him."

Dr. Lehman's eyebrows shoot up almost into the ceiling. "Why did you kiss him if you see him only as a friend?"

I shake my head in frustration. "I don't know. That's why I say I'm confused…because I don't know. I mean, I guess I can see him as more than a friend since that's happened but…then there's Jake. I still care for him and – God! I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff right now! I'm in fucking rehab trying to get my shit together. Now I may screw up whatever relationship I have to salvage with Jake when I go back to Forks. Throwing this whole thing with Quil into that isn't going to make things any easier. Jacob may hate me forever after he finds out about this kiss." I cover my face with my hands and groan.

"But Jacob hasn't been in your life for the past year-and-a-half. And you're correct, what you should be focusing on is getting your life onto the right path. I don't want to sound like your mother because that is not my role. My role is to help you as your doctor and direct you to the road of recovery." She scribbles some notes in her little black book before looking up at me again.

"But the most important question is: how do you really feel about Quil?"

I lower my hands and rest them on my stomach. "People always say follow your heart, but what if your heart doesn't know what to do either? Then what? My heart is being tugged and unraveled at its seams and new feelings are being woven inside, feelings that shouldn't exist." My eyes begin to well up with the overwhelming emotions. I wipe my tears with my fingers.

"Maybe it's because he was there for me when I needed someone to lean on for support?," I continued. "From my experience with Edward, when you're in love, you start losing touch with the reality of everything around you. And once that person disappears, reality hits you hard in the face. It's painful to go through. I've opened my heart to someone unexpected. It's scary. What if I fall in love with Quil and he ends up leaving me too? Not to mention it would just destroy Jacob."

"Is it commitment that frightens you?"

"Commitment doesn't scare me. What scares me is the thought I may commit to the wrong person. I almost did that twice: with Brian and Edward. Look where that got me!" I walk to the window. Resting my hands on the windowsill, I peer out to the decorative fountain in the courtyard filled with the beautiful carefree birds. "My relationships don't seem to be going in the right direction. For once, I want my heart to lead me somewhere where I'll have a chance to really be happy with someone, to live out my life with that person by my side. I know that sounds sappy but it's the only thing I can truly hope for after all the crap I've been through."

I groan and lay back down. "And what will I tell Jacob? What if my heart isn't strong enough yet to face him? What if his heart is still broken from the last time I saw him? I mean, I'd like to let Jake know about my life from the past year-and-a-half so he could understand. I don't know how he'd react to it though. Quil certainly wanted to go find Brian and kick his ass – but I'm sure he won't, so don't worry." I reassure the doctor so she doesn't think Quil is the violent type.

"Jacob and Quil are two very different people. They each have traits that are attractive to any woman. But what am I thinking? How could I be so full of myself to think Jacob is still hung up on me? Of course he isn't! He has a girlfriend. I'm just rambling now. I guess this is part of growing up and learning to sort out my own issues."

I push myself off the chaise lounge to sit up. "Anyway, Quil and I are supposed to talk about the infamous 'kiss' sometime. He said he'd swing by to see me so we could talk. Although, it's been a week and he hasn't visited. I hope I didn't scare him away. I don't know exactly what I will tell him. All of this is so confusing. I'm just hoping I can talk to Jake before this gets to him."

"Bella, the heart has true strength, believe it or not - even when it's broken. I'm sure it'll all work itself out. Have some faith. Not everyone you love is going to leave you." Her eyes gleam with assurance. "And remember, I'm always here if you need to talk. Also, congratulations on completing your rehabilitation program."

"Thanks," I mutter.

If only she really knew the mythical world that surrounded me and how that made things so much more complicated. My only recourse is to take one day at a time, see how things go and hopefully I won't have to deal with anymore heartbreak. 

* * *

**The Next Day**

I finally get to go home today. There are so many feelings flooding through me. This is a huge step in my recovery – going back to the past.

Quil called last night out of the blue, apparently he had things come up with the pack and work which had been the reason he was unable to see me the past week. I was disappointed but understood. He has responsibilities that he must attend to.

I saw Seth a few times since he came to school around the area. He would stop by for at least a few minutes to make sure I was doing OK.

I began packing some of my things two days ago. I didn't want to hurry packing at the last minute.

I shove my books into the medium size box and throw in some journals I have kept while here. I tape up the box and slide it to the side of the room.

"So what's up with lover boy, eh? Has he made a move on you yet?" Johanna quips as she lays on her bed reading the latest Glamour magazine.

She always likes to be a nuisance but that's what makes her the person she is. Johanna and I have grown close while being here. I hope our friendship lasts after I leave and we keep in touch.

I pull another flat piece of cardboard out from the pile Charlie had dropped off to assemble it into the square it's supposed to look like.

"Jo, I would appreciate if you would just shut up and help me put some of this stuff away…" I replied, rolling my eyes at her.

She lowers her magazine and rests it on her chest. "Oh come on! You're going to tell me that hot piece of ass hasn't tried to put a move on you? Look at me and tell me that he didn't."

I shake my head and continue packing my things in the box. "I'm not having this conversation with you. What you need to do is pick up the clothes you just throw around everywhere and that I have to pick-up after you. It would make my life easier as your roommate," I smile sarcastically at her.

She jerks up from the bed to a sitting position. "No fucking way!" She yelps. "He did make a move on you! I can see it in your face. You can't hide this shit from me. I can see right through you, Bella! Come on, spill all the details! I need to know. Did you get laid?" She edges off the bed waiting eagerly like a kid about to open a Christmas gift they've been waiting for all their life.

I turn and stare slack-jawed at her "What! No! Are you crazy? Quil isn't like that – I mean, he is but…that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is, no. He didn't make a move on me and I didn't get laid. There, you happy?" The rosiness creeping up on my cheeks begins to burn my face.

"Then why the hell are you blushing? You're almost as white as an albino and it's totally evident when you're blushing."

She definitely doesn't have a way with words. "I am not! You're such a bitch," I pout.

"Yeah, but that's why you love me." She giggles. "Now come on, tell me! You know I'm relentless and I'm just going to ask you until you punch me or something."

"You have a point." I stand up and sit next to her. "Just don't say anything smart-assed, at least not until I finish." I give her a warning glance before looking down and resting my chin on my knuckles.

Johanna nods her head in agreement and gestures with her hand drawing an invisible cross against her chest.

I snort at her childish behavior.

"Quil came to see me that night you were in that sleep study a few weeks ago."

Her eyes grow wide in astonishment and she wiggles closer, anticipating the gossip.

"And well, what was I going to do?" I shrug. "Leave him out in the cold? Of course not, so I let him in the room. We just talked for a while…and then he left."

Johanna frowns and crosses her arms. "Bullshit. You're not telling me everything, He must ha–" She gasps. "You made the first move! I knew it! I could see it in your eyes the last time you guys were together; I knew you guys were into each other."

She's giddier than I am. "What was it like? I'm sexually deprived here Bella, please! You have to tell me how it was…"

I snicker. "Jo, you do know you have fingers right?"

"Shut up smart ass. It's not the same as having a man."

I laugh. "Alright, alright."

My hands fidget nervously in my lap. "I kissed him and it was absolutely perfect and terrifying all at the same time. I forget about all my problems and my past when I'm with him. He makes everything just so…easy. But I feel bad at the same time because I actually like it – it feels good. There's still the Jacob factor in the equation. My emotions are a mess right now." I stare at the intricate fibers of the carpet, scuffing my shoe against them.

Johanna wraps her arm around my shoulder. "Bella, don't feel bad. Liking someone new isn't a sin. You won't be condemned to hell just because you're growing feelings for someone else. Besides, how many times have you seen Jacob around here?" I look up at her wanting to defend Jake but my mouth opens and closes without a good rebuttal.

She nods. "My point exactly; you've been with all these men that have just ditched you and treated you like shit and the one time you really need the one you left behind, he's nowhere to be found. The way I see it, needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't available the first time, chances are you won't need him again."

I frown. "But how do you know that? I want Jacob in my life again. I want his friendship. I may not _need_ him per se, but we've always been best friends. I can't imagine him not being in my life, especially if I'll be living only fifteen minutes away from him."

"Besides, I don't even know what that kiss meant between Quil and I. I don't even know what's going to happen when I see Jake again. It's silly of me to end up falling for every guy that tries to save me. Edward left me because I was no good. Brian turned out to be an abusive asshole and Jake…well...I left him broken and bleeding. I didn't expect him to look for me. I don't expect anything from him. All my relationships have been fuck-ups. I don't want to ruin the new friendship I've found in Quil either."

Johanna sighs heavily. "Bella let me put it to you more bluntly. Guys are like a box of chocolates: sometimes you have to taste and spit a few out before you find the most delicious chocolate in the bunch. When you do find that _one,_ you savor it and never let it go. Obviously you eat it too because it's so good…okay well you get my point from the first part of my analogy so just go along with it," she laughs.

I shake my head in amusement. "Yeah, I get what you're saying."

A knock on the door disrupts our heart-to-heart – if that's what you can call it.

I stand and walk to the door, opening it slightly. I peek out to find the one person I've been longing to see – Quil.

"Hey," I give him a welcoming, warm smile.

"Hey. I'm so sorry it's been crazy and I haven't been able to come see you." His eyes shine apologetically. "I don't want you to think I've just ditched you or freaked out or anything like that...c-can I just come in and talk to you?"

Why does it seem to be that he's always having to apologize for being so busy? "Oh yeah, sorry. Come in." I step aside while he gracefully eases his large frame into my tiny room.

My pulse races as his scent permeates the surrounding air. The aroma of cinnamon and sandalwood permeates my senses. He always smells so good. And he's dressed to the nines in slacks and a formal dress shirt with a tie.

_Stop it, Bella!_ The little voice of reason scolds. I mentally kick myself.

"So...um, how's work going?" I shove my hands into the back pockets of my jeans.

He shuffles his feet and looks down at the ground before mumbling, "It's going good...busy like I mentioned to you yesterday."

I nod my head in acknowledgment.

Johanna clears her throat. I forgot she was still in the room. "Bella, I'm going to get some air." She stands and leans in closer to me as she walks by and whispers, "I'll leave you two love birds to it."

I give her a death glare. Quil obviously heard that since he has freakishly super-werewolf hearing.

Johanna steps out of the room and it's just Quil and I standing here. The awkwardness is killing me. This isn't how I imagined our first meeting after 'the kiss'. There has to be something I can say to make the uncomfortable thickness in the air disappear.

"I just..."

"I wanted to..."

We both laugh lightly after we began speaking simultaneously.

Quil gives me an endearing smile and extends his hand to me. "May I?"

I look down at his large russet hand and place my small pale one in his. The contrast is like night and day. Our fingers intertwine and he squeezes my hand gently and stares into my eyes.

He brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I bite my lip and look down as he begins to softly speak. "I hope this doesn't bother you but I asked Charlie if I could pick you up and take you home. It took a lot of convincing on my part – I know your dad and Sue are anxious to see you. He's already called your doctor and given his consent to release you to me - uh, putting it that way sounds...odd, but you understand what I mean."

I glance up in surprise. His ecstatic grin spreads across his face. "Oh – no I don't mind, not at all. I'm actually glad you came. So what was up for bartering?"

"Well, let's just say I'll be spending lots of Saturdays out on the lake with him," his chest vibrates with a deep laugh.

I giggle. "Of course, fishing. Why does that not surprise me?"

His bright smile fades as he begins to talk again. "I just wanted this time so we could talk, you know?"

I nod. My heart begins to race in my chest, almost deafening in my ears.

"I don't know how to exactly begin this conversation, so I'll just say what's been on my mind. I don't know where this," he gestures between him and me, "is going, or if it'll last because of the circumstances. But, being with you is all I care about right now. That kiss meant more to me than you'll ever know. Any guy that wouldn't want to be with you is insane." He pauses. "I'm going to say some things but I don't want them to scare you off. I just want you to know how I feel about you, so just please…listen," we both walk to the bed and sit on the edge.

I nod again and my complexion may be paler than the moonlight. "I promise you won't scare me off. We need to be honest with one another, Quil."

He glances down at his hands fidgeting on his lap. "I think – no, you _are_ gorgeously attractive. I've never fallen so hard for someone in such a short period of time. For some reason, when I'm with you, it all seems worth it."

"The gentleness of your voice draws me in, the way you make me feel when I see your lovely smile is indescribable. The way you laugh and care for others and even go beyond the extra mile to comfort someone is extraordinary," he looks up and stares into my eyes, grabbing hold of my hand.

"To tell you the truth, when I'm around you, my stomach is in knots from all the nerves you make me feel. You have a place in my heart now, Bella. And all this scares the shit out of me. I don't think I can go back on anything now that I've said all that."

He swallows thickly before speaking again. His eyes shift down then back to look at me. "But there's a line between us that I can't cross. Jake is my pack brother and I don't want to hurt him more than what he's hurting now. I'm not trying to make you feel bad by telling you this but I want you to understand, Bella. There's nothing wrong with you. Hell, if things weren't so complicated, I would love for us to try for something that would resemble a normal relationship. And what happened in your past doesn't matter. I don't judge you or hold that against you. Like I told you, we all make mistakes. I care about you so much and I don't want to see either of us hurting if this all ends badly."

He sighs closing his eyes but hesitantly continues. "I also don't want to be your replacement for Jake. Please don't think I'm being an ass for saying that but I need to know what you feel and what's going on inside that pretty head of yours."

My heart hangs heavy with guilt at his last words. I feel as if I'm hiding something from Jake and it's stupid to feel that way because I haven't even reunited with him.

Quil is right though. It isn't fair for me to be treating him as a stand-in for Jake; although that's definitely not what I think of him as.

I try gathering my thoughts after he just poured all the feelings of his heart to me. The devotion he has for me is unreal but lovely. It's only fair I express what's in my heart now that all the cards are on the table.

I look up at him and see the patience and affection he holds for me in his eyes. "Quil, you're not my replacement for Jacob. I've never seen you that way. That would be cruel of me to do. You've been there for me through my most difficult time. I never expected anyone to befriend me again from the pack. I wasn't ever expecting Jacob to welcome me back with open arms. I have been hurt so many times physically and emotionally the past two years. My heart was filled with so much pain that I don't even know how I'm standing here today." I bring my hand to caress his warm cheek.

"But now, that pain has subsided because of the willingness to help myself and because of you. What I found in you, in the comfort of your arms, is a safe haven. I can truly trust you, be myself and not be afraid to be vulnerable. My heart feels the love you've given me."

My lips rise into a smile. "I'm grateful for your friendship and I hope that kiss doesn't ruin what we had before it. Even if I wanted to, I feel I'm in no position shape to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I also don't want to hurt Jake anymore, I understand that." I sniffle back the tears that beg to spill over.

I'm flattered, scared, and...happy that he feels the way he does toward me. I haven't felt like this toward anyone, but I don't want him to think I'm playing with his emotions either. That isn't my intention. "But, I'm sorry for that night; for kissing you. There was just so much emotional turmoil within me because of what I had told you. You were there and…I care for you so much. All of this scares me too. But please know that I don't want to hurt you. I got carried away in my emotions. That's the whole reason I'm here; I have to learn to deal with my own feelings and control them. I'm sorry if I acted irrationally."

Quil wipes my tears away with the pad of his thumb. "You don't need to be sorry. I should have stopped it. I should have known better. I don't want you to think I'm some heartless asshole that wants to take advantage of you." He cradles my face in his palms.

"I don't think that at all. If anything I took advantage of you," I place my hand on his and press my cheek against his hand.

"Well, I guess you do have a point there. I was the innocent bystander," he chuckles.

I snort and roll my eyes. "Of course."

"I do like you a lot, Bella. I did miss you the last week; I miss when you're not around. For once in my entire life, I don't have to try to be happy. I just am when I'm with you." Quil's emotions filter through me with his searing touch.

My lips tremble at what I'm about to admit. I don't want the emotional barriers between us anymore. "I like you too, Quil. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. You know, the more I talk about you, the more those annoying butterflies flutter in my stomach," A nervous laugh escapes me.

"So then what kind of chocolate am I?" he smirks. "What do you call those – a truffle? Or the cherry filled kind?" His deep laugh fills the room again.

My face reddens with embarrassment. "Oh no, you heard that part of my conversation with Johanna?"

"Hey, as long as I don't end up being spit back into the box, I'll be happy to be the sweetness in your life," he winks.

"That was so cheesy, Quil!" I chortle and playfully slap him on the arm.

"…But it made you laugh and I got what I wanted to see: your beautiful smile."

"Okay, so you are the sweetest thing in my life right now. I'll admit that." I try hiding the beaming smile that wants to spread across my face.

"Bella, you know you'll never have to go through anything alone, ever again. Whenever you need me, I'm here for you."

I reach up encircling my arms around his neck and press myself against him in a tight embrace. Quil holds me close and presses his nose against my hair inhaling my scent.

He takes a deep breath and whispers into my ear, "I don't expect more than friendship between us. I know you're not ready for that. I won't pressure you into anything either. I know you still need to fix things with Jake and I won't get between you guys."

I sigh contentedly. "I appreciate everything. Thank you, Quil."

Smiling sincerely, he nods his understanding. "Alright, so let's get these boxes loaded up into my car and get you to your rightful home."

I let go of him reluctantly. Quil walks to the side of the room and picks up a box, and then begins to walk out. But before he gets outside the door, I grab his arm and place mine around it. He stares down at me lovingly, confirming he doesn't mind the closeness of my gesture. I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know how truly I appreciate him in my life.

We walk out together to his car.

It's terrifying and exciting the moment you realize you're getting attached to someone.

Once, we were strangers, but soon we became friends. As time progressed, something happened. It was love growing between us. When love pries its way into your heart there's no way of denying it. There is never a time or place for true love; it happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment.

When you develop an infatuation with someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. This isn't the rush of an emotional high between a teenage boy and a teenage girl whose love ended tragically destroying one soul.

The twists that fate brings upon us are inescapable when they bring you the one person you never expected but you can truly see yourself falling in love with.

I'd been taught to accept defeat the day Edward left me and the day Brian stripped me of the one thing that could have changed my life for the better. I've tasted the bitter and sweet in my past.

But I've learned to gather up the shattered pieces of my broken heart and go on, knowing the darkest of nights always bring a brighter and hopeful morning.

* * *

Reviews are love. :)


	11. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

SO I know this isn't what you wanted...a lame author's note. =( But I feel like I owe it to my readers to at least give an explanation for this long hiatus. As I last left you, my divorce was initialized and whatever else went along with that I had to deal with until it was finalized last summer. I was living in Texas and moved back to my home town with my three kids to Orange County, California to be with my mom and brothers and the rest of my family. My ex decided to move back here as well and make my life hell by continuing to fight in court over custody of our children - so that's been a whole year and a half of wasted money on lawyers and bullshit I've had to deal with. The good news is I still have custody of my children and whatever he does or say to the courts won't change that. It's just been a nuisance that he won't leave me the hell alone and let me live my happier life. I don't want to go into every little detail but my life has been consumed with trying to protect my children and myself. Also, as a single mom I've had to take up two jobs at times so that's preoccupied my spare time, if any. So in a compact summary, that's been my life this past year and half (and still continues), thus being the reason why I haven't update. =/ Those of you that have me as a friend on Facebook know all this, of course! =] I just lost my interest in the whole Twilight Fandom quiet frankly, I don't know if it'll ever come back as strongly as it was when I first discovered it, to be honest. I did have an urge to come back this past week and re-read the reviews you all had left me and have actually been reading my own story lol and I tell myself, "I actually wrote this? It's so good!" haha! I have a few future chapters partially written, bits and pieces of different scenes that had come to mind and wrote down last year before I lost them. I just need to finish and piece them all together. I'll have more free time now (I hope) and going over all this makes me want to start writing again but where to start and remember exactly where I wanted this story to go may be a challenge since I had to push all this fanfic stuff to the back of my mind with the real life issues going on. I can't promise when there will be an update, but hopefully I can get the creative juices flowing with ideas and put them down on paper. I appreciate you all and even some that still ask me for updates. =D

xoxoxoxox

**- RS54**


End file.
